We’ve been staying with my in-laws through the holiday. During Christmas and NYE we of course ate a lot, and really overindulged. Since Jan 1st, they’ve said they want to fast, eat lighter, etc., which I completely get, and I have been joining them in this. We’ve been eating things like salads, prosciutto, fruit, etc.
However, yesterday I was really hungry after we had soup. I told my partner that I was going to head out to the shop near to the house to pick up some ground beef and a bread roll to make a burger. We’ve both been sick, and he said he thought it was a bad idea to go out in the cold while recovering. I said that I was alright going, and he said I was being irresponsible about my health.
I said okay, thank you, but I am still hungry and I don’t want to trouble your parents to cook again, so I will order some food. He said there was plenty of food in the house, and when I told him I was just in the mood for something hearty, he asked me why I couldn’t just be happy with what we have. I said that I wasn’t unhappy, just hungry.
He got really upset with me and said I didn’t appreciate him. He also reminded me that there is a lot of packaging associated with delivery services (we try to live a low-waste lifestyle). He suggested a piece of parmigiano (which I’m not a big fan of) or pineapple (yummy, but not satiating for me). I did thank him, but I said again that I would really just like to have something.
I was surprised at him reacting like this because I didn’t accuse him, I wasn’t upset at all, and I wasn’t asking anything from him; I was more than happy to feed myself. But he was very distressed, so I apologised and said “alright, I won’t order anything”. But I remained hungry, and thinking about it again makes me very frustrated. I feel like I stayed hungry for no reason.
Is my hunger blinding me here? It seems like no matter what option I suggested for food, he was angry that I didn’t want to eat what was in the house, even though I was willing to provide everything for myself. Was this inconsiderate of me?
Special_Lychee_6847 wrote:
Please just put on your coat, go out, say you're going for some fresh air, if you feel you must tell a white lie. And go and get something hearty to eat. If you want to avoid drama, eat out. And enjoy. You're an adult. You're hungry. There's nothing to eat in the type of food you're hungry for.
You're going for the passive aggressive 'fine, I'll just starve, then'. But you really don't have to suffer in silence, when the solution is so simple. (No judgement. I would totally have done the same, when I was younger). If your partner makes this any bigger than he's already blowing this WAY out of proportion, you have bigger partner- issues.
NTA
(Edit to clarify that I think OP is in no way wrong. She's just making it harder on herself than it needs to be. You're hungry, there's nothing to eat...go get food).
OP responded:
I understand what you mean, I wasn’t trying to be passive aggressive, there was just a big explosion of emotion and I was trying to calm things down. But you’re right, I should have just gone anyway! I wish I had.
HeatherAnne1975 wrote:
NTA but from an etiquette perspective you should ask others in the home if they would like anything before you place the order. Especially since they have been hosting and feeding you. It’s not wrong to crave something different, but it would be rude if you ordered food just for you then proceeded to eat alone.
OP responded:
I absolutely asked! That’s why I didn’t end up getting it; my partner was mad that I even asked. I also was ordering the food after they had already eaten.
OkraEither2528 wrote:
NTA. Your husband's behavior sounds a little manipulative. It is clear he was against you getting outside food (maybe even substantial food altogether) but instead of saying that and accepting your decision, he seemed to opt for shame/guilt to make you back down. No thanks.
You were not judging anyone else's eating or asking him/his family to go out of their way for you. If they are insulted you may not enjoy or tolerate eating the exact same nourishment as them multiple days straight -- that's on them to work through.
I honestly wonder if your husband doesn't have some kind of issue with your eating in general. Who recs a slice or cheese or some pineapple when someone's hankering for hearty things like a burger?
RaineMist wrote:
INFO
Would your in-laws care that you would've ordered something to eat? I don't think you're an AH because if you're hungry and not full then there should be no issue.
OP responded:
I personally didn’t think they would, but my partner disagrees.
Edit: I don’t mean to make my partner sounded like a controlling AH. I think he was being unreasonable but he also has been on edge for a couple of things (we have matters to attend to at home, his parents have commented on weight gain a lot recently, etc.)
He is not an unkind/unpleasant person at all, and everyone has their irritable moments. I’m just trying to figure out whether he was overreacting or I was (unintentionally) rude.
Edit 2: It has been suggested many times that this scenario is happening because we all are hangry and I think that is very true 😂
Edit 3: Guys, we stay until the 5th every year to celebrate my MIL birthday! My partner and his sister have done this for years before me, and we only spend the 31st-5th at their actual house up north, we rent a house for the whole family down south for the actual Xmas days.
Edit 4: These responses have prompted a lot of conversation and I’ve come to the conclusion that my partner really just did not want to hurt his parent’s feelings and make them feel bad for me being hungry. Not to say things were handled well, but this is a case of 3 sensitive people (me, my partner, and his dad) being sensitive, not anything malicious or cruel.
FrequentProblem8962 wrote:
Like, bodily cravings for specific vitamins and sugars aside (burgers are a common craving if you've just been rabbit snacking or eating liquids!), sometimes you get a hankering. It's not personal? Your packaging waste is quite literally not a concern, comparatively. No effect on anything if you get it or don't, even on such a scale as the restaurant alone, and I wouldn't appreciate the quick guilt tripping jab either.
You ate his family's food when required AND didn't want them to make you something "special". You wanted to pay for your own meal when you got hungry for something specific. Normal independent adult process and behavior.
Outside of ignoring your wants and needs and keeping quiet I don't see what else he could have wanted from you. Feels controlling on his part, to be so concerned over you eating the "correct" options he presents to you.
Edit: middle of your cycle and they've been making you eat like that? Girl, NTA.
katiemurp wrote:
NTA. I find it very strange your bf wants to p-lice your food intake. Is he trying to tell you you’re fat or is he just being an a--?
Or is he communicating poorly? If you’re on your cycle, I get why you want that burger. Just make sure you ask everyone in the house what they want, if anything, before you order. Tell them why if they get nosy! “I’m on the rag and I need a burger!”
OP responded:
I think he wants me to fast too honestly (I get why, we ate a ton these days) but I really was just hungry then.
Ok_Expression7722 wrote:
NTA. I hate being trapped in someone’s house with no control over food. You asked if anyone wanted something while you are ordering, and you have every right to have food you want. When hosting I bend over backwards to make sure guests are well fed and satisfied.
I would never impose my plan to eat lightly or eat less on anyone. They’re imposing their eating preferences on you and your husband is pressuring you and guilting you to prevent you from getting food. That’s AH behavior. They should be mortified that they didn’t give you enough food. Instead you’re being guilt tripped.