Pregnant wife tells husband he cares more about grieving best friend than her. AITA?
"AITA For prioritizing a friend over my pregnant wife?"
prioritiesaita
My wife (28F) and I (29M) got married last summer. She is currently 7-months pregnant with our first child. She had an appointment with her OB/GYN 2 weeks ago to address some complications with the pregnancy.
The doctor wasn't overly concerned and confirmed that both my wife and the baby are healthy. But they did recommend her starting her maternity leave early and taking as much bed rest as possible.
A few days after that appointment, my best friend's (Bryan) fiance passed away in a car accident. Bryan and I have been friends since we were 3. We lived on the same street growing up. He was a groomsman in my wedding and he asked me to be one for him as well.
Their wedding was supposed to be this summer. Bryan and I live about an hour away from each other now so we don't see each other as often, usually only a few times a year on special occasions.
But as soon as I got the news about his fiance I immediately drove to be with him. I've been juggling helping Bryan with everything I can while also taking care of my wife and everything she needs.
On top of all that I'm still working full time. I've driven to Bryan's house a few nights after work just to hang out with him and spent one night there last weekend to help him with some things. His fiance's funeral is scheduled for next week so I've been helping him with that as much as I can as well.
A couple nights ago I told my wife that I planned on driving down to Bryan's one night this week just to hang out and keep him company. This started an argument between us because my wife feels like I am prioritizing Bryan too much and neglecting her.
She said that she needs me at home to help her because she doesn't want to go against doctor's orders and try to do too much. She told me that her and the baby need to be my #1 priority right now, not Bryan.
I told her that I am trying to juggle everything and I understand she needs my help but Bryan is at the lowest point in his life and I need to be there for him. She told me I don't "need" to be there for him, I am making a choice to be there for him instead of being at home taking care of her needs.
I told her I am just trying to get Bryan through the funeral and then I will make sure that I am more attentive to things at home. She told me that Bryan has other friends and family that can be there for him and that I'm spending too much time with him.
She said that the health of her and the baby should be more important to me than anything else right now, including Bryan, and that she needs me at home as much as possible. I told her she was being unreasonable and that I'm not going to abandon my best friend in his darkest days.
She's now giving me the silent treatment unless she needs something from me. If I try to talk with her she will make a comment about me talking to Bryan instead since he's more important to me. I understand she's stressed and hormonal, but she's never been this outright mean about anything. Am I wrong here?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
IamIrene
If your wife is now stressing out because you aren't actively there to help her, then you are spending too much time with your friend. This is a tricky situation though because yes, of course, your friend needs you too but your wife and child are the priority, right?
Ask yourself this question: what if she goes into labor and I'm not there, what is she going to do? A baby can be born in an hour and you could miss the whole thing just trying to get there and God forbid something goes wrong and you're nowhere to be found.
It is true that Bryan has other friends and family and hopefully they are stepping in but if your wife is now having to speak up about you neglecting her, then you've got a huge problem. AH is pretty strong in this situation but ya...kinda YTA here. Your wife has been understanding but is now feeling your absence. Best pay attention.
rak1882
Does Bryan have other people who are there or who can be there? Does your wife? When you go and spend the evening with Bryan, are you contacting friends and family so someone is with your wife who is stuck home all day on bed rest making sure that the baby- that presumably you want- stays inside?
I don't want to jump to Y T A because I'm trying but doctors don't just go, you know what would be fun? if you go on maternity leave early and go on full or partial bed rest. It'll be such a blast.
Terra88draco
Unpopular opinion. ESH. Her AH vote is partially due to hormones (which are horrible horrible monsters) and also not being more understanding of Bryan’s loss. But her anger is also slightly justified. I had a friend who went into early labor and delivered her baby in the car in their drive way. The baby just came too fast. It was horrifying.
Your AH vote comes from not putting yourself into her position. She has a higher than average risk—otherwise the doctor wouldn’t suggest bed rest. She may be safe now but that risk is real and high.
Bed rest isn’t tossed out Willy nilly. And can’t other people be there for Bryan just as much? (Sidebar that isn’t necessarily in the AH vein but where do you live that you think an hour drive is too far to visit more than once or so a year? I drive an hour for a good Boba here in Texas…. I drive 10-13 hours multiple times a year to visit family in other states).
I think when you do go to see Bryan, you need to have a friend of your wife sitting with her. So if something happens she isn’t alone. And you need to let her know you’ve realized why she feels neglected.
She’s too worried about her own condition to put herself into Bryan’s shoes; but you also driving late at night and tired could also put her in a similar position where she’s planning your funeral while on bed rest. Have you thought of that?
Peony-Pony
Ask yourself this question, if there was an emergency when you were an hour away and something happened to your wife and/or the baby, would you be able to live with yourself? And then explain why it's more important to spend hours away from home to console your friend.
Hot-Shallot4394
NAH. I can empathize with the rock and a hard place you're finding yourself between. It's clear from your account that you deeply care about both your grieving friend and your wife.
However, this is also a crucial time in your pregnancy journey where your presence at home is more important than ever. Your wife's request for you to be home more is completely legitimate, and her concerns are valid, especially when considering that bed rest is often prescribed to prevent serious complications.
It's a testament to your character that you want to support your best friend through such an unimaginable tragedy. Yet, it's equally vital to recognize that your immediate family - your wife and unborn child - must be your priority. Being physically present and emotionally supportive for your wife can significantly ease her stress, which is important for both her health and the baby's.
It might be time to lean on the wider network of friends and family for both your wife and Bryan. No one should have to go through these times alone, and it's not solely on you to bear the weight of these responsibilities.
Look into coordinating support, maybe creating a schedule with others willing to help, ensuring that Bryan has company while you give your wife the attention and care she deserves. If Bryan is truly your best friend, he will understand the need for you to be with your wife right now, especially in her vulnerable state.
Don't overlook the importance of open communication with your wife during this time either. Understanding exactly what she needs from you and why can help navigate this complex situation. Remember, it's not about choosing one over the other; it's about managing responsibilities and ensuring that the people you care about have the support they need, including you.