'AITA for prioritizing my little sister over my GF? My GF wants her to live with my brother.' UPDATED

"AITA for prioritizing my sister over my girlfriend?"

I am the oldest of three kids: I'm 26, my brother is 25, and my sister is 9. Our father, who was in the army, passed away two months ago, and our mother passed a few years back. My brother and I have always spoiled my sister, and we share a huge bond.

When I moved out for university, my sister was very sad. The following year, my brother joined me, which had a huge impact on her. We kept in touch through daily video calls. After graduating last year, I started a good-paying job and met my girlfriend. We hit it off, and shortly after, we became a couple. My sister liked her.

When our father passed, my brother and I decided that I would take custody of my sister and bring her to live with us in France. She speaks French and attends a French private school, so the transition was smooth. I moved to a bigger house so she could have her own bedroom and bathroom. My girlfriend said she supported me, but yesterday she asked me to move my sister to live with my brother.

She didn't want to act like a mother figure, which I understand. I just wanted them to have a healthy, caring relationship since they are both important in my life. I always make sure my sister is taken care of and comes to me for anything. My brother and I handle all her needs, so I’m not leaving any responsibilities for my girlfriend.

She said that we're not spending much time together alone, that she want us to be free, travel and enjoy our relationship. I told her that my sister is not going anywhere and if she wanted to leave, that was fine. She asked if i am breaking up with her, but i didn't answer. I left the restaurant, and she went to her friend's place.

I haven't texted her or reached out. Today, I woke up to a lot of messages from her friends and her sister, calling me a horrible person, that i should prioritizes my girlfriend. I don’t know what she told them, and I didn’t reply. I just shut down my phone and focused on work. To clarify something, there is no way i move my sister to my brother's place.

And I do spend time with my girlfriend but of course since my sister came, I had to spend more time with her, to make sure she is happy. After all grown people can be destroyed by parent's death, and my sister is only 9 and she already lost both parents. And if anyone say I don't love my girlfriend, I really do love her. She is my first real relationship.

I think I should've discuss and explain more with my girlfriend instead of just saying 1 phrase which is let's brake up if you can't accept my sister living with me. My brother said that he understand me and support me but if he was in my place, he would have done it differently. He says that i might acted a little cruel, like i don't value my girlfriend or our relationship. AITA for handling the situation like I did?

The internet kept it real.

Noldentity2121 wrote:

NTA. Your gf has the right to not want to be a mother-like figure (at that age I don’t know that I would have been ready for that level of responsibility) and anyone can understand wanting time with a partner that doesn’t involve a child.

You, rightly so, have the right to tell her that you are prioritizing your little sister and you are fine with her leaving if the sister’s presence is a dealbreaker. I’m glad your sister has you! She has already suffered enough loss in her life so I’m glad she can count on you for consistency.

Beyond this, your relationship has HUGE red flags. She has her friends and sister injecting themselves into your relationship challenges?! I could never respect a partner who would try to get their family and friends to gang up on me, especially about something so deeply personal like the care of a child you have custody of.

OP responded:

Of course, she has the right to choose not to be a mother-figure, and I never expected her to be. My brother and I are taking care of everything, I just expect my girlfriend to have some type of friendly sisterly relationship with my sister. After all us being a couple means that she will be around my sister, maybe having some time alone with her when I am busy or something.

omeomi24 wrote:

NTA - Your sister - for now at least - comes first. That your gf knows the full story and doesn't realize that is surprising. I think you were right. Your gf may be your first love - but she's thinking of herself and not of you and your sister. At age 9 - your sister not only must come first in priority - your sister needs to know her place in your home is secure.

OP responded:

Her place in my home, in my life, is secure forever. People assume that i took her custody because there is no other option. It's not true. I did it because it is the right thing to do, because i want to. My father has 11 siblings, my mother has 7 ( we're Lebanese. It's normal to have such huge family in Lebanon).

All are married and have kids. Many of them wanted to take my sister in, but my brother and i refused. I never regret my choice and i am happy that I did it.

VictoriaFairyDust wrote:

NTA. Your sister is still a kid. You are now her parent and there is no way you'll send you child to go live with someone else because you want to spend time with your girlfriend. It's not as if she's been asked to take care of your sister or anything. She can go find someone to travel the world round with alone.

adventuresofviolet wrote:

NAH, it appears you both want different things out of the relationship. Nobody is right, nobody is wrong. There's a very romantic viewpoint that everybody would support their partners decisions only if they loved their partner enough, but it's not the same in practice.

You did have very poor communication skills previously by giving her a curt answer and avoiding her question and cutting off the conversation by leaving, which was a jerk move. Just have a clear non cruel conversation about your priorities.

Two days later, OP shared an update.

First of all, thank you for all your comments and opinions. I made sure to read all of them. I also appreciate everyone who offered their condolences for my parents' deaths.

Regarding my sister, physically she is well, but emotionally she is struggling. Some days are better than others. She used to be happy, talkative, and full of energy. Now she is quiet, shy and anxious. The other day, we went out exploring Paris together (with my brother and his girlfriend).

She was very happy and laughing, but all this positivity faded the next day. I was considering therapy for her, and now it's a priority. Many of you mentioned therapy in your comments to help her get through her grief and fears, and for that, I thank you. I am now looking for a therapist experienced in such situations.

For those concerned about my sister's life and future, I want to say that a few days ago, we had a family video call. It was with me, my brother, our grandparents, some uncles and aunts, and my father's lawyer. We discussed my father's inheritance. Since my brother and I have good university degrees and careers, we decided to divide everything left to us from our parents 50-25-25 in my sister's favor.

Her part will be saved in a bank account until she becomes an adult. Additionally, my family is contributing significantly to my sister's account. So, thankfully my sister's financial future is secured. Regarding my girlfriend, we met today after work. She started by apologizing on behalf of her friends and sister.

She swore that she didn't push them on me. She was emotional and venting to them and they took it upon themselves to harass me. She actually likes my sister and feels sorry that she had to deal with all this loss at such a young age. She thought since I have a big family, I might accept giving them my sister's custody. She is not ready for that responsibility.

This time, I listened to her until she finished, acknowledged her worries and demands, but simply I don't agree. I told her that my sister is staying, and will require the majority of my time until she gets used to her new life. That's why it will be unfair for me to stay in a relationship without being able to invest time and effort in it.

We broke up in a respectful way, wishing each other the best. My life has changed drastically. I now have many responsibilities: parenting, disciplining, school...I need to get used to my new "single parent" life. Until then, I am not going to enter a new relationship for the sake of myself, my sister, and my future partner.

The internet was invested.

stove1336 wrote:

Slow clap here from a father of five kids. I would be soooooo proud of you if you were my son. Your sister is lucky to have you in her life.

OP responded:

Thank you for your beautiful comment. You really made my day. Wish you and your family all the best.

Upstairs_Link_9501 wrote:

I am sorry you had to make such a painful decision in the wake of such a painful loss. You are truly a good man! As I wrote on your original post, bad timing and/or not being the same place are really painful break-ups because there is still love there but love isn't enough. Big hugs! I wish both you and your sister the best.

omeomi24 wrote:

NTA - thanks for the update. Your parents raised good children. Your sister needs help now but she will be happier and stronger because she has such a good family taking care of her. In time you will find a gf who will easily fit into your family and appreciate the support and closeness you have for each other.

wybo76 wrote:

A therapist for your sister is a great way to do. But I would also sit down with her and let her talk about her feelings, and tell her about yours. After a loss at that age, the guilt of being happy sometimes is devastating. As if you aren't a good daughter. Tell her that you can grieve and have happy moments side by side. That doesn't make her a pad person.

It is so hard at any age, but especially as a young kid to lose the persons you depend on.

You are doing great!