'AITA for refusing to allow my SIL's service dog at my wedding because of my MOH's allergies?'

"AITA for refusing to have my SIL service dog at my wedding?"

I’m getting married in 5 months with my fiancé. And we sent our invitations last week.

Context; my SIL (my husband’s brother’s wife) has a medical dog since she had brain cancer around 5 years ago. She has seizures where she feels dizzy 20 seconds beforehand and the goes unconscious for couple minutes.

This happens 3-4 times a week. She has a dog who senses the seizure 1-2 minutes beforehand and it gives her the time to lay down in a safe place and warn people that a seizure is coming. The dog (Labrador) is an angel, but SIL, not so much. She is not a good person.

She claims wrong facts about my fiancé and I’s respective fields (med and biology/environnement), and screams at us when we call her out. We don’t like her, but we are civil because my BIL loves her.

My own sister on the other hand is my favorite person on earth. She is my MOH. She is very allergic to dogs. If she’s in the same room , her eyes get red and very itchy, she sneezes constantly and she has a little asthma attack.

Anti-histaminic don’t work on her. She isn’t an entitled person, prefer to “sacrifice” herself than to penalize the person with the service dog. But if in the same closed room with a dog for 5 hours, she will obviously have a strong asthma attack.

Me and my fiancé want my MOH to be comfortable in our wedding. And it’s shallow, but I want her to feel pretty in the pictures and not to have swollen red eyes. And we want our SIL to be safe, but we thought that with her husband always around her, she will have someone to lean on.

We even proposed to bring a +1 to be there for her at all instants. And the venue is a 50 persons room so it’s not possible to have them separated enough and no backyard wedding in winter.

We wanted to announce those proposition face to face, but SIL cancelled our lunch together last minute and the invites needed to be sent, so we wrote her on messenger all our points and propositions. And we thought it was a good idea because it gave her the time to think and not feel pressured to answer our invites at the immediate moment (compared to a phone call or face to face)

She called me and screamed that I was ableist for suggesting to remove her from her medical help, and that I want her to create a scene at our wedding and get a concussion from falling. BIL just said “what she says goes” and we don’t know what he thinks. MIL is furious and start to say she won’t come to the wedding if SIL can’t bring her dog.

I know I’m biased because I obviously prefer my sister, and because I myself have (food) allergies and believe allergies should be accommodated in my wedding. What should I do? AITA. Is it a AH move of me to suggest that?

EDIT: after reading some comments, i should ajust 1 thing. NO OUTDOOR WEDDING WAS POSSIBLE. The time is in the winter because MIL, BIL and SIL and others cousins travel in the USA for 3 months.

So the time is only because we wanted my fiancé's family to be present. the place was chosen because it is wheelchair accessible and we have 2 persons that needs wheelchair (my grandma, my fiancé's aunt). So sadly, no it was not possible to have big spaces / outside.

The place we chose was our only option in our city (and even there we went overbudget). And the place needs to be in our city and this year if i wanted my grandma to be present because of her medical treatments.

This is what people had to say to OP:

ThatsItImOverThis said:

NTA. These are two real medical needs. You cannot separate SIL from the dog, a true support animal, but SIL is not essential to the wedding. Your MOH, who cannot be around dogs, is. You’re not ableist but SIL is if she cannot see your MOH also has medical issues and can’t be excluded from the wedding.

CartoonistFederal571 said:

This isn’t ableist.. it’s a tough situation with two real medical needs. You offered compromises, and it’s your wedding. Wanting your sister safe doesn’t make you the bad guy.

BigComfyCouch4 said:

The real dilemmas are about competing interests. When both sides are right. Your SIL has a right to be with her medical alert dog. Your sister has a right to not be sick. I don't think both people can be there, and Maid of Honour trumps sister in law.

indicatprincess said:

NTA. There is a 0% chance I’d invite my SIL over my own sister in this circumstance.

salaciouspeach said:

NAH. In disability justice, we talk about how some accessibility needs are incompatible with others. Some people are in wheelchairs and can't use the stairs. Some cane users find slopes are dangerous and can't use ramps. Some people are autistic and can't be around loud sounds.

Some people are hard of hearing and need sounds to be loud in order to hear them. And yeah, some people have debilitating dog allergies and other people have service dogs. There are some cases where you just can't compromise and you have to make choices knowing that someone is going to get the raw end.

You physically cannot have both your sister and SIL in the same place. This isn't something you decided. Nature and genetics and the nature of time and space have created this situation. You have to side with somebody. You just have to. Both is not an option here. And you've decided to side with the person who has been nice and supportive to you instead of the one who belittles you.

That's incredibly understandable! You just didn't frame it in a way they would listen to, because someone who would belittle you for your job is going to belittle you for every other decision you make, so they're deflecting it onto you being a jerk. But also, where is your future spouse in all of this? Who do they want at the wedding when they face the fact that "both" is not an option?