'AITA for refusing to apologize to my sister for calling her "entitled" and "bridezilla"?' UPDATED

"AITA for refusing to apologize to my sister?"

Okay, so before I get into this I feel like I need to explain my family situation because it's unconventional to say the least. Apologies if this is boring to anyone, feel free to skip the first paragraph if you don't care.

In the 80s, my mum married her first husband and had my sister (we'll call her H), who is now 32. They divorced in the early 90s because he was unfaithful and she met my dad and had me (24M). My dad died shortly after I was born and in the mid 00s, she reconnected with her first husband and they got remarried.

H and I have never really gotten along. She was always very jealous of me because she didn't like sharing Mum's attention and we had very little in common because of the big age gap. She was also just pretty mean to me throughout our youth. I chalk most of it up to the fact that, in the eyes of her dad she can do no wrong and she's basically spoiled rotten by him.

Mum didn't like to argue with my stepdad too much so ultimately H always ended up getting her way. An example of her behaviour: when I came out, our mum threw a little party for me. H didn't like that she wasn't centre of attention and threw a huge tantrum because our mother told her she wasn't allowed to cut the cake. She was 27 at this time.

H is getting married in a couple weeks time. Expectedly, she's been something of a Bridezilla this entire time. It's gotten progressively worse since the wedding planning has started. It reached a peak last week, when she essentially told our mother that she wouldn't be allowed to be in any of the wedding pictures unless she dyed her hair

(she recently had highlights put in it and a family friend made a comment about how nice she looks and how she and H could be mistaken for sisters), and also essentially told me that my partner isn't welcome at all because he has tattoos that are visible when wearing a suit (on his hands and neck) and she thinks it looks "common" and "uncouth".

This wouldn't be an issue at all except her maid of honour also has neck tattoos and she has no issue with that. Mum was really upset by this, and I was annoyed by what I perceive to be a targeted jab at my boyfriend. I kinda blew up at her and called her a spoiled brat and a Bridezilla, and told her that I didn't want to go to her wedding anyway.

She burst into tears and ran out of the room. Naturally, her father took her side and told me what an absolutely rotten person I am and demanded I apologise to her. I refused and he's been hounding me on it ever since. As mum doesn't like conflict, she's told me to just apologise to put an end to things but I don't think I should.

It's causing a rift in the family, as stepdad is furious with me for upsetting his princess, H is refusing to speak to me but talking shit about me to anyone who will listen and mum is kinda caught in the middle. I'm torn on if I ought to do as mum says and apologise for the sake of peace, or if I should stick to my guns and refuse.

What so you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

jackie-chun said:

NTA. She sounds like a spoiled woman-child. Her reasons for imposing restrictions on you and your mom are arbitrary and ridiculous. She sounds pretty crazy and I would stay away from her if I were you. Definitely a wedding that will not be fun to go to anyway.

muddledandbefuddled said:

NTA- she doesn't want your partner (I'm assuming partner means something more serious than two months) at her wedding, then she clearly doesn't value having you there, or you in general. You would be perfectly within your rights to not go, I don't think standing up for your partner and pointing out her hypocrisy is assholeish at all.

Meloetta said:

NTA. They're targeting you because you're the reasonable one; they know that they won't be able to convince her to be a good person, so if they convince you to "be the bigger person" and take her shit whenever she feels like tossing it at you, they don't have to deal with the person they created.

Angrycat11111 said:

NTA. Go over to r/justnofamily for some insight into your family dynamics. You are the scapegoat (SG) and your sister is the Golden child (GC). If you apologize, you are as much of an enabler as your parents, so DO NOT APOLOGIZE.

You have to stick up for yourself, but your family wants to rugsweep (ignore and make it go away) so the GC is not upset and terrorizing everyone. Go over there and you will learn tactics to deal with these type of situations before she drives you crazy.

AnGrammerError said:

NTA - Tell her that you and your BF will be attending. Or you will not attend period. Let her choose. Mention over and over and over and over how its her choice.

ronm4c said:

NTA - She acts like this because she's been allowed to her whole life. Your step father is 100% to blame for this situation and you should let him know that. This is what happens when you refuse to say no to your children.

Commenters agreed unanimously: NTA.

On the day of his sister's wedding, OP shared this update:

So my sister's wedding was today. I took the advice of people here and apologised to keep the peace/make things easier for my mum, but told her that my partner and I are kind of a package deal and that either both of us come or neither of us do.

She stuck to her guns and said that my partner wasn't welcome, at first maintaining that it was because of his tattoos and then eventually getting emotional and yelling at me that he wasn't allowed after "what he'd done to her", which confirms my theory that it was because he rejected her years ago. I just calmly kept telling her that if she didn't want him to come then fine, but not to expect me either.

I guess she thought I wasn't being serious, because I got a call from my mum shortly before the ceremony was due to start asking where I was. I told her I wasn't coming. I got a lot of rather abusive texts from my stepfather, telling me he always knew I was worthless but this was a new level, as well as some direct threats.

I ignored them all, though I did text mum and apologise for causing problems but I did inform my sister I wouldn't be going. Culminated about an hour ago with my stepfather and now brother in law showing up drunk at my flat and trying to fight me while my sister cried outside.

They got removed by building security, and honestly it was more funny than anything to me. Apparently I've ruined her wedding day, but I'm really struggling to care. Maybe that makes me now the asshole, I can accept that. Just thought I would share this update, since I posted about it here initially.

Edit: clarifying a couple of things that people seem confused on. First the whole "she got rejected by my boyfriend" thing. Essentially what happened is that about 6 years ago, she propositioned him and was told no.

She's held a grudge ever since - I think, in part, because she was told no for pretty much the first time in her life and also later because he chose to get with me when he'd said he wasn't interested i her. He was fully out at the time she propositioned him and she was definitely aware he was gay.

Second, some people are seemingly confused and thinking this whole thing was a one off incident that led to me not going to the wedding/wanting to lessen/cut contact with her. This is not the case and is again probably due to a lack of communication on my part so again, apologies.

I'll clear up that we've never has a good relationship, and she's been pretty cruel to the point it could be considered emotionally abusive to me since I was very small. She's also been physically abusive at several points throughout my life. This is not a debate of me placing my relationship over my family but, rather, one of me finally taking up for myself after years of being a pushover and the aftermath it's caused.