'AITA for refusing to attend my wife’s bestie’s wedding?'
"AITA for refusing to attend my wife’s bestie’s wedding?"
NoClothes5404
My wife had an affair several years ago. I found out because her phone data use suddenly skyrocketed. I investigated, saw the number on the bill and figured out it was her ex. She denied it, of course, which eventually led to me snooping in her phone.
She had tried to cover her tracks, but she didn’t delete text messages to her best friend describing everything, bragging about it, etc. Her friend was supportive, at times even encouraging her to continue the affair.
We’ve reconciled since then, and things are pretty okay between us, but I still hold a lot of anger towards her friend, partly for encouraging her to do what she did, instead of telling her to do the right thing, and I think partly because her messages with her friend were the vehicle that delivered so much pain and torment to me.
Even now, seeing her friend or hearing her name makes me think of the affair. Her friend is getting married in a few months and she is the MOH. I have been dealing with a lot of anxiety surrounding the thought of having to attend.
Finally, I decided that I needed to protect myself. I would be miserable the entire time, and the idea of celebrating the marriage of a person who, at the very least, severely disrespected mine, feels disgusting.
When I told my wife that I had decided I wouldn’t go, she became pretty upset. She said she was hurt, but it felt more like anger to me. She basically shutdown after that, and hasn’t talked to me. I explained my reasoning, my feelings, etc, but she kind of blew me off.
I don’t feel like the villain, for one, I didn’t ask to feel this way, her actions put me here. Two, she is the one who implicated her friend in the affair, if she hadn’t done that, it wouldn’t even be an issue. Also, I didn’t imply that she couldn’t or shouldn’t go, I even encouraged her to attend and be a part of it, and offered to drive her to and from. Am I the really the AH?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
alphabetacheetah
Nta but you’re holding so much resentment for the friend when really it’s your wife’s fault. She ruined your relationship not her friend.
NoClothes5404
Yeah.. I know. It’s hard bc if I’m being honest with myself, I know that putting the anger where it belongs would make reconciliation impossible. I’m trying to work through it in therapy.
Quirky_Ad7871
YTA for still staying in the marriage.
time-watertraveler
My petty brain says "go to the wedding, and when congratulating the couple, just say to the groom, Good luck with this one, she thinks that cheating on spouses is NBD, then turn to your wife and say, right honey? You'd cover for her like she did for you, no?" Then file for divorce.
AriDiamondGold
This comment should be much higher. Full destruction. This is the psychology that people never think about . If something is not addressed especially towards the person who was hurt and disrespected then the outcome can be a major. Ex: wife never acknowledged her husbands feelings. She never cut off friend. Accepted MOH role in wedding and still ignored husbands feelings which are valid.
So it’s the “you take care of it before I have to and you won’t like it” thing and this applies here. Wife never took accountability then continued it ignore husbands feelings, if he mentions to new groom about his new wife and her encouraging her friend to cheat then so be it. Scorch the earth. Fafo 100%. I’d say it a speech or just fly by comment to groom. Blame it on the alcohol. Have one beer lol.
Careless_Welder_4048
NTA but of course this is a CLASSIC case of “blaming the other women” since you so badly want to be with your wife but you need to be mad at someone you choose her friend. Dude I’m going to hold your hand when I say this, your wife is the problem not the friend. Your wife was going to cheat on you with her best friend encouragement or not because she’s a cheater and a liar.
DrKrass
NTA please protect yourself (and your mental health). don't see much regret in your wife either, if she doesn't even see or acknowledge your valid reasoning?! maybe you should dump her altogether.
ManufacturerFew5235
NTA but sounds like your wife still thinks nothing wrong happened. Bruh if she can’t see your pov then she doesn’t really care how you feel about it. Keep your peace and don’t go. Also re evaluate if you could ever have a healthy relationship moving forward with your wife, bc her friend will most likely always be there.
No-Mango8923
Dude, it's not her friend that you are really angry with, it's your wife. You haven't fully reconciled what she did to you and deep down things are not "pretty okay" with your relationship.
It's not her friend that "disrespected" your marriage. It was your wife that did that to you. It's easier to direct that anger to the friend because her friend isn't the one at risk of leaving you and ending the marriage.
Was your wife's friend an AH for encouraging her to cheat? For sure. But at the end of the day, it's your wife who made that decision to sleep with another person. I'm not going to call you TA because you are clearly dealing with a lot of shit about the whole affair still. But get help.
At the very least address who you are actually angry with and stop denying it to yourself. The reason your wife is dismissing your feelings and reasonings is because she knows her friend is not the one responsible for her cheating, so being angry at her is illogical. Get help.