'AITA for refusing to babysit my sister's kids for free anymore even though she's a single mom?'
"AITA for refusing to babysit my sister's kids for free anymore?"
I (29F) have been babysitting my sister Lily’s (35F) kids—Ben (8M) and Ella (5F)—for years. Lily is a single mom, and I love my niece and nephew dearly. I’ve always been happy to help out, especially since Lily has a demanding job and often needs someone to watch the kids in the evenings or on weekends.
However, recently, it’s started to feel like I’m being taken for granted. What started as the occasional evening has turned into me watching the kids 3–4 times a week, sometimes for entire weekends.
Lily doesn’t even ask anymore; she just tells me, “You’re free Friday night, right?” or “I’m dropping the kids off in an hour.” I work full-time, and I have my own life and responsibilities. Babysitting this often has started to take a toll on me, both mentally and socially. I’ve had to cancel plans with friends multiple times because Lily “needed” me.
She never offers to pay me, even for long stretches, and while I don’t expect to profit from helping family, it would be nice to feel appreciated. Last week, Lily asked me to watch the kids for an entire weekend because she wanted to go on a trip with her friends.
I told her I couldn’t, as I already had plans. She got upset and said I was being selfish, claiming I “don’t understand how hard it is to be a single mom.” At that point, I calmly told her that I love her and the kids, but I can’t keep babysitting for free whenever she wants. I suggested she look into hiring a sitter or finding a daycare service for the times I’m unavailable.
She flipped out, calling me “ungrateful” and saying family should help each other without expecting anything in return. Now, some of our relatives are weighing in. A few agree with me, but others think I’m being unreasonable and that I should “just suck it up” since I don’t have kids of my own. I feel bad because I know Lily is struggling, but I also feel like I’m being used. AITA?
The internet was invested in OP's situation.
HeligKo wrote:
TLDR; Your sister is using you and emotionally ab-sing you. She has enlisted your relatives to join in her ab-se. Putting up a boundary does not make you an AH, it just makes you feel like one at first. NTA - Lily is a user, and is trying to emotionally manipulate you.
She has a good deal. Free babysitting anytime she wants to go have her demanding job and a social life. That just isn't the case for most single moms. It is completely unreasonable of her to believe she can schedule something needing you to babysit without talking to you first and getting your agreement, especially for entire weekends.
As for your relatives that she has enlisted to gang up on you, they are enalbing her selfish behavior and participating in her emotional ab-se of you to get her way. Tell those suckers that if they believe that Lily needs support, then by all means they can step up and help provide that, but it is none of their business how, when, or if you choose to support your sister in any particular way.
Their argument that you don't have kids, so you should do this is one of the dumbest ones I have ever hear. Its not the first time I have heard it, but its still one of the dumbest ones. Fact is that a parent with similar age kids is better equipped to watch kids for a prolonged period of time, and parents who have older kids are probably next in line.
The only thing you have is maybe more time, because you aren't juggling multiple people's schedules. That and you love the kids. It's not fair of her to take that time from you. I doubt she plans on doing the same for you when/if you have kids. If you have chosen not to have kids, it's also unfair to force her kids on you.
bees-dont-like-it wrote:
NTA. Okay, so “family is supposed to help each other.” In what ways does she help you? This seems to be a very one-sided transaction that has gone on for years. How long, exactly, are you expected to “just suck it up”? Until they are adults? Why aren’t any of these other family members expected to arrange their life around your sister’s children?
I’d suggest really sitting with this predicament and deciding how you’re willing to help, when (days of the week/hours/frequency, for what kind of activity your sister is planning, how much notice you need, etc. Be as clear as possible with yourself. And then be very clear with her.
It seems like she has gotten used to the status quo of relying on you. In that way, I can understand that she’d feel jilted when you pushed back. But she is absolutely in the wrong here. Set clear boundaries and hold to them. Let her know you still want to help, that you love her, but that you need clearer expectations so you can also enjoy your life.
cressidacole wrote:
This scenario gets posted so often it's right up there with swapping seats on a plane. On the off chance that this isn't recycled rage bait:
Not having children does not obligate you to become anyone's babysitter. Your sister's childcare requirements are her problem to solve, not yours. Anyone who weighs in to tell you that you should "suck it up" should take the next shift.
mdthomas wrote:
Having children does not make your life and free time more important that those of people who do not have children. "I love your children, but I need to cut back on the babysitting. It is taking up too much of my time. Please remove me from your list of possible sitters for the time being. I will let you know when I am available.
Please DO NOT drop off your children without advance permission. If you do so I will have to contact the authorities." NTA.