'AITA for refusing to be a bridesmaid because I'm not comfortable wearing a dress?' UPDATED

"AITA for refusing to be a bridesmaid because I don't wanna wear a dress for my brother's wedding?"

My(33f) brother(30m) and his fiancé(28f) are getting married in a week. My brother decided this last week. I am happy. I think his fiancé is great. I spoke her about the wedding and she told me that it was going to be small they weren't going to do dinner after. I understood wanting it small because she's pregnant. But then my mom took over.

She started inviting people and planning a reception and my brother went along with it. His fiancé was upset and stressed, but didn't want to argue. So, yesterday my mom calls me at work while my brother is on the phone saying they want me to be a bridesmaid. I said sure as long as I don't have to wear a dress. My brother says I have to wear a dress. Work is busy and I can't focus so I tell them I'll call them back.

That morning I text my future SIL and tell her that I am happy for them but I'd rather not be a bridesmaid because I've spent a long time trying to be comfortable in my skin and who I am and what I like to wear. I decided to come but not be in the wedding and I hope she's not mad. She texts me back and says no, she's not mad and that I shouldn't have even thought she was.

Around the same time my brother calls me and tells me he really wants me to be a bridesmaid its only 45 mins and I can change after. I told him I talked to his fiancé and that she said she was okay and wasn't mad. He then gets upset and says that he is going to talk to her and tell her not to interfere with his wedding.

A few minutes later she calls to say she doesn't want to plan because stress wasn't good for the baby. Then my brother calls me and and I tell him that it's her wedding too and then he brings my wife(23f) into the situation saying she is making decisions for me and she doesn't need to be at the wedding if she cant be respectful. I tell him he's wrong and she has nothing to do with my decision.

He keeps bringing her up finally she gets upset and yells thru the phone fine she won't come. My brother keeps arguing and saying I'm the only sibling he has left so I've got to do this because he asked my mom if I would. (our other sibling passed away the middle of last year) I said if I have to wear a dress no. So then he tells my mom and my mom calls me talking about how I'm selfish and a disappointment.

She calls again and I ignore the call. Then she sends a text in the family chat saying I'm an evil person and effective immediately my aunts, cousins, niece and nephew and my grandma have to block me because instead of being a good daughter I'm defending trash (referring to my wife) against the family and I am no longer a part of the family.

My brother then sends texts talking about how it's my wife's fault that he feels like he's lost another sibling and all I had to do was wear a dress for the wedding ceremony and pictures then I could dress how I wanted at the reception. My mom say I'm not allowed to speak to any of my fam. AITA for refusing to wear a dress for my brother's wedding?

Edit: I don't wear female clothes and my family has always had an issue with the way I dressed. Things like this have happened before, I've worn what they wanted being assured that I could change in to what makes me more comfortable only to be pressured and guilted into not changing or ruining the rest of the pictures.

I offered compromises. I offered to wear a matching suit color to match. Initially it was only supposed to be my sil's sister standing behind her. But my mom got involved.

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

UnicornCackle said:

NTA but I suggest checking in on your SIL who is being steamrolled and ignored regarding her own wedding. Are you brother and mother controlling her in other ways?

aussietex said:

NTA Imagine what your future SIL would be posting. Everyone would be 🚩🚩🚩🚩 and asking if she really wants to marry into this family.

dararie said:

NTA and your brother needs to grow a pair…..from what you’ve said about your future sil, she is not comfortable with a large wedding and your brother has chosen to ignore that. And has allowed your mother to take control. HIS WEDDING?, it’s their wedding and Sil is correct about the stress not being good for the baby or her. Good luck!

Heraonolympia123 said:

Oh my! I feel so very sorry for your future SIL if she’s marrying into this. NTA because you shouldn’t wear anything you’re uncomfortable with and a loving and healthy family dynamic wouldn’t cast you out of their family just because of a dress. But why do they think this is your wife’s fault?

Wrong-Construction40 said:

NTA holy $h!t that is some misogynistic homophobic B.S., and I am worried for your future sister in laws safety. Like maybe take her out for lunch and check on her because her fiance is mad at her for interfering in her own wedding party? What the Hell. This is not how healthy and supportive family functions.

Verdict: A unanimous NTA.

Two weeks after her original post, she shared this update:

So after my mom said I was banned from the family I thought a lot about whether or not to attend the wedding. I had only blocked my mom and brother. when my aunt called the day before the wedding. I answered without thinking.

She started by asking me what was going on and then she told me that I was being selfish and childish and that I had to think about my brother's feelings and I've worn a dress before so I shouldn't be acting like it was a big deal. I said okay they asked I said no. My aunt then informed me that it didn't matter what he wanted, I should have said yes. I hung up.

My stomach was in knots for days because I wanted to see my brother get married but I didn't think I'd be welcome. SIL called and asked if I were coming. I said probably not because I didn't want to ruin their day. She said she wanted me there and my brother did too. I said I had picked up a shift at work and I'd come to the reception to congratulate them.

My brother then called me via facebook, upset that his number was blocked and started talking about how my “trashy wife” is dividing me from the family. And that my mom never banned me from the family. This devolved into an argument. I hung up. My mom then calls my job asking to speak to me. I didn’t know it was her (my coworker answered and said someone was otp for me)

I pick up its my mom I hang up. I walk away to compose myself. SIL’s mom calls me and tells me that SIL wants me there and that if I want to be there then fuck everybody else.

My emotions are everywhere. I leave work. At the same time my coworker tells me that my mother called back and “said a whole bunch of stuff” (those are the words my coworker used) and then tried to get my boss’s number and get me fired.

Thanks to a bunch of the commenters who pointed out my mom might be a narcissist. I looked into different resources about signs of narcissists and being raised by them. I’ve since discovered that my mom might be one. Anyways, I went to the wedding. My mom and aunt acted as if everything were normal. They seemed under the impression that they had bullied me into doing what they wanted.

On the drive to the wedding my SIL called me to say she was happy I was coming and sorry that everything was so messed up. Her mom came up to me and said screw my family she’s happy I came. Ultimately I took this as a farewell. I’ve decided to go NC with my family. I feel complicated about it and it hurts a bit but I think it’s best.