"AITA for refusing to buy a dress for my sister's wedding?"
For context, I (20s) am pre-op ftm trans living at home with my parents. They are not supportive and it's been a point of contention for about 3 years. My sister, Kay, is getting married in a few months and she asked me to be her maid of honor. I accepted instantly and she even said to me that we could pick something I would be comfortable in that our parents wouldn't be upset by, and it didn't have to be a dress.
A couple weeks later, my mom was looking at a dress for herself and I mentioned offhand that I'd probably find a cute pantsuit or something that matched the theme, since Kay didn't mind. It quickly became an argument, so I folded and said "ok I'll wear a dress just don't bother her, it's her wedding."
She refused and called Kay to yell at her, before abruptly hanging up. Both my parents threatened to not go to the wedding even though I had said maybe 10 times that i didn't want to cause problems and I'd wear a dress.
Weeks pass and Kay and my mom make up, my mom apologizing for screaming at her. It's come time for me to start picking out a dress and I'm completely uninterested. I've been talking with Kay a lot and she and her fiancé are nothing but supportive, but I don't want her to end a relationship with our parents over what I wear to a wedding.
She sent me a dress she thought i'd like and mentioned my mom has offered to pay. It was $300 so once I showed it to my mom, she said "I'm not spending that much so let's split it." I refused, saying I'm not spending $150 on something I don't want to wear and will never wear again!
I told her that since she's the one who cares so much, she can pick out the dress and buy it, and I'll wear it. At this moment she hasn't looked at any for me yet. If it were a suit i'd pay for 100% of it myself. Admittedly, part of me feels bad because my mom has really been trying to reach out lately and we've been spending a lot of time together playing video games and such.
I have a job so being able to afford it isn't the issue, it's more just the principle. I'm not trying to cause problems since it's not my wedding, am I being unreasonable by drawing the line here?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
TararaBoomDA said:
Your sister is fine with a nice suit. Her fiancé is fine with a nice suit. Hell, I'm a 72 yr old cis female and I'm fine with a nice suit; that's what I wore to my cousin's wedding. So I say, to hell with the dress and to hell with your cheapskate mother. Wear what makes you feel comfortable and attractive. NTA. Your mother is an adult. She'll get over it.
everellie said:
They never should have asked a ftm trans person to wear a dress in the first place. That's awful. I'm sorry your family isn't more accepting.
EfficiencyForsaken96 said:
NTA. The happy couple is fine with you wearing a pantsuit. You are fine wearing a pantsuit. Wear the pantsuit. If your mom can't handle a pantsuit, then she doesn't need to come to the wedding. You can tell her something along the lines of "I am wearing a pantsuit. I will no longer discuss what I am wearing to the wedding. I hope to see you there."
Remember, she is the one ruining her relationships with both of her children. Both a dress and a pantsuit do the same thing of keeping you clothed and appropriately dressed to the formal level of the wedding. If she wants to have an epic temper tantrum, let her. Put your focus into your relationship with Kay because she is the family member who is there for you.
MucinexDM_MAX said:
NTA. I'm all for dudes wearing dresses if they feel comfortable, but as a dude, you obviously do not feel comfortable wearing a dress. Not cool.
Sami_George said:
Go buy a suit or other outfit you love. Don’t tell your mom until you’re all at the venue and the wedding is about to begin. NTA.
SarcasticPups said:
NTA. Your parents are the ones ruining their relationship with your sister. Your sister respects and accepts that you're transgender and sees no problem with you wearing a pantsuit. Your mom is the one acting like a child.
You wouldn't even be wearing a tux like the other men but a pantsuit. Your sister and future BIL want you to be who you are. Don't let your mom bully you into feeling sorry for her. This is a mess of her own making.