'AITA for refusing to change my unborn daughter's name? It's my brother's GF's late daughter's name.'

"AITA for refusing to change my unborn daughter's name?"

For context my brother 34 (M) and his girlfriend 28 (F) have been together for 8months and my brother has admitted it’s already getting a bit rocky and he’s debating leaving her. After a few months of trying me 27 (F) and my husband 28 (M) are pregnant with our first baby.

I am 20 weeks along and have been very unsure about a name for our baby girl until 2 weeks ago, at first we were hesitant about being public about the name as I know disagreements can occur. I won't lie its a pretty basic name but it's his late grandmother's name and a name I had always liked so we went with it.

Just a bit more context my husband lost his mum at 8 years old and his father was never really present so his grandmother became his caregiver and a massive part in his life. We started dating at 14 & 15 and from the start I was open about my home life not being the best and she welcomed me in her home whenever i needed.

She was also a massive part in my life and helped me get through my ab-sive parents (now on better terms) and b-llying. So we always had a good relationship, this wasn’t just a name I was going with for my husband we both loved the idea of our baby girl to take the name of her great-grandmother and to wear it in honour of her.

After we announced the name my brother's girlfriend flipped, she stated that was her late daughter's name (from a different man, not my brother so I had no idea that was her name, my brother just informed us her daughter had passed last year and to be careful on those sorts of topics around her but the name was never brought up.)

She immediately demanded we changed the name and said the baby wouldn’t care, I explained it was also in honour of husband’s late grandmother and it had real meaning to us and we didn’t want to change it but she insisted she couldn’t hear her daughter's name, especially not on another child.

I understand it must be so hard but the name has meaning to us and if I’m being honest if she was genuinely apart of my family, I may have considered but my brother wasn’t sure if they were forever.

I offered for them to come up with a nickname we use around her if she desperately didn’t want to hear the name but she refused and said she doesn’t care about who’s grandmother is dead, she had it coming but her daughter still had her whole life ahead of her and called me an inconsiderate cow. My brother broke up with her on the spot. Now, my friends say I took it too far but I really don’t see how. So AITA?

Not long after posting, OP shared a quick update.

Edit: Some people believe this story is fake due to me including my friends randomly at the end but these 3 girls were my close friends and we have very similar opinions and have always told each other everything.

My brother's GF had gone and told them(and other people apparently but no one else has contacted me) I knew the name and did it in spite of her, obviously that's not true and I didn’t include it before as I didn’t want the story to be too long.

The commenters had a lot to say in response.

svenson_26 wrote:

NTA - I get why she is upset, but she can't demand that of you. If you're not even close enough to her to know the name of her late daughter, then that's far enough of a separation that she can't tell you what to do. It would be a different story if her daughter's name was a unique name, and that you only decided on it after hearing it from her. But that's completely not the case here.

GoreGoddezz wrote:

NTA. I lost my first child when she was 7 months old. I was sensitive about family using her name. But never demanded anything. Nobody owns a name. I have a cousin that gave her daughter as a middle name and asked me. Of course I gave my blessing. You didn't know her daughter. Y'all aren't family...I personally don't think you did anything wrong.

messageinthebox wrote:

NTA. The name has nothing to do with her except coincidentally being her late daughter's name. The name has another meaning for you, so keep it. The burden is for her to bear. And in 8 months, she may be no longer around.

New-Number-7810 wrote:

NTA. The choice of name is a beautiful way for you and your husband to honor the woman who raised him. There’s nothing wrong with that.

As for your ex-SIL, she lost whatever sympathy I had when she said your husband’s grandmother “had it coming."

Proud_Fee_1542 wrote:

NTA. I actually would have said N A H because you’re entitled to name your baby what you want, and she’s entitled to be upset hearing the name of her late daughter… but she completely lost me when she said ‘I don’t care who’s grandmother is dead, she had it coming’.

No, that’s just nasty. If you wanted to be an AH you could have made a similar comment about her daughter, but you didn’t. You’ve done nothing wrong so don’t feel guilty.

It’s also not your fault that they broke up. Your brother was already considering breaking up, but even if he hadn’t been, you aren’t responsible for your brother’s decisions. I would reconsider if the people saying it are actually your friends because they don’t sound like it!

Efficient_Wheel_6333 wrote:

NTA. It is a name with a special meaning to you and your husband. From the sounds of it, your brother's ex-girlfriend might need some therapy if she's that upset about someone else using that name for their children.

Nobody 'owns' a name and for her to demand that nobody in the family of her SO use that name for their currently unborn child isn't right, especially when you take the fact that it has special meaning for you and your husband. What happens if your daughter had already been born when she found out? It would make her look even worse.