'AITA for refusing to contact my estranged father after his current wife asked me to?' MAJOR UPDATE

"AITA for refusing to contact my estranged father?"

I (36F) have a long and complicated history with my father. To give some context, I wasn’t even his first family. Before he married my mom, he was married to someone else and had two kids with her.

He left them, married my mom, and had my sister and me. Then, when I was 6, he divorced my mom, too. After the divorce, he stayed in my life, but I was more of a prop for him to show off that he was a "family man" rather than actually being a parent. It felt like he used my sister and me to attract his next wife, whom he married not long after.

That woman was incredibly mentally ab-sive towards me. It got so bad that I stopped living with my dad part-time and only saw him occasionally. That marriage ended when I turned 18, and since then, my father has gotten married three more times. I eventually cut him off entirely because he’s always been a self-centered, manipulative person who made my life miserable.

I needed to distance myself for my own mental well-being. Recently, I was contacted by his current wife. Apparently, my father left her and her 5-year-old son (I'm not related to the child) to move to Thailand, where he’s now living with another person.

His wife has been pleading with me to get in touch with him and convince him to come back. She’s clearly struggling and in a rough spot. I’ve already explained to her that this is what he does—he leaves families behind and moves on. I told her he’s not worth her time, but there’s an added complication. He brought her and her son over from China, and I think her citizenship might be tied to their marriage.

This makes me feel even worse because she’s in a vulnerable position and likely terrified about what could happen to her and her son. While I do sympathize with her situation, I just can’t bring myself to get involved. My father has left multiple families in his wake, and I don’t see how contacting him would make any difference.

He’s shown time and time again that he’s not capable of being a decent person. I really don’t want to open that door again or get dragged into his chaos. But, I do feel a bit guilty because his wife and her son are now facing the fallout from his actions. So, AITA for refusing to contact my father and staying out of this situation?

People had a lot to say in response.

Internal_Lady04 wrote:

Absolutely NTA. Your dad seems to treat marriages like they're on a subscription plan—new one every few years, with no refunds. You've done your part by warning her about his pattern, but you're not obligated to clean up his mess. Protecting your own mental health doesn't make you the villain here. If anything, you're just refusing to sign up for another season of his personal soap opera.

amongusgod1234 wrote:

Definitely NTA. Your father ditched your family, so you owe him nothing. It is sad that his new wife and son are in this position but in all reality your priority should be your own well-being, and you shouldn’t be forced to extend an olive branch to someone who did such a thing to you.

bubbleuj wrote:

If you're in the USA your dad's ex needs to contact an immigration lawyer. She's protected under VAWA.

ColdStreamAppa wrote:

NTA OP. Whilst her situation is unfortunate it’s not your mess to clean up. Chances are he won’t listen to you anyway and you really don’t want to be in the middle of this. Tell her to go see a lawyer and let them deal with all the drama.

SushiGuacDna wrote:

NTA. Your odds of hurting yourself are high. You are estranged from your father for very good reasons and contacting your father seems emotionally risky. By contrast, your odds of helping the current wife seem low. Why would your Dad care what daughter from wife #2 thinks about his responsibility to wife #5?

Even if there was a high probability that you could help, I would still say that you aren't an AH if you decide not to do it. However, I might say that it would be a good deed if you could find it in yourself to try. In this case, however, I can't think of any reason at all to do anything. It almost certainly won't help and it could very likely hurt you.

I'm sorry about your dad, but it actually sounds to me like you've managed to get yourself to a good place. Please don't do anything that would risk the progress you've made.

A day after posting, OP shared an update.

UPDATE:

First, I want to thank everyone who took the time to read my original post and offer their advice. It really helped me process the situation and solidify my decision.

After a lot of thought, I decided to reach out to my father’s current wife to provide more support in other ways. I reiterated to her what I know about my father’s history with women and families. I made it clear that his pattern of behavior isn’t new, and she’s unfortunately not the first to go through this.

I also suggested that she seek out any social assistance that may be available to her and her son, especially since they might be in a vulnerable situation due to their immigration status. Additionally, I advised her to contact a lawyer to get legal help with her citizenship situation and anything else that might arise from this mess.

However, I made it clear that I will not be contacting my father. I explained that doing so would not help and would likely cause more harm than good for everyone involved, including myself. I know from experience that he isn't going to change his behavior, and trying to convince him to come back would only drag me back into the chaos I worked hard to distance myself from.

I still feel awful about her situation and wish I could do more to help. But I’ve decided to stick to my boundaries and protect my own mental health. I hope she finds the support she needs to move forward. So, that’s where things stand now. Thanks again for all the feedback. I’m still feeling conflicted, but I think this is the best course of action for everyone.

And the comments kept flowing in.

Cascadia1979 wrote:

NTA. This is not your problem to solve. It’s good that you empathize with her but there is no reason and no good outcome that can come of you getting involved. There are other resources she can draw upon to track him down.

grckalk wrote:

NTA, but I sure understand how you feel guilty. It isn't that YOU have done anything wrong, its that this woman and her child are co-victims of your father, and so you feel empathy for her.

Which is a natural and normal thing for a human being to feel for someone who is going through a similar trial. In all honesty, I don't think that there is anything you could do that would make any difference, even if you felt inclined to.

Dad has moved on and there probably is no bringing him back. It might make Current Wife feel better if someone were to make an effort, and if you felt so inclined to do so that would be a tremendously fine thing for you to do. But you are not obligated to, so YWNBTA to simply walk away. Good luck.

archetyping101 wrote:

NTA. She's not asking for you. She's asking for herself and her kid. She didn't seem like she was trying to have a relationship with you. She's asking for your help to bring him back so she might not lose her visa status. It's unfortunate but he won't come back for you anyway since you're not even in each other's lives much before he took off.