'AITA for refusing to drive my step-kids and their friends to their summer activities?'
"AITA for refusing to drive my step-kids and their friends to their summer activities?"
I (40m) have two stepkids. My stepson is 14 and my stepdaughter is 12. I married their mom when they were 4 and 6 years old. Their parents divorced had been divorced 3 years by then.
My wife's ex doesn't like me. He didn't want the divorce to stay. He tried many times to get her back. He also tried to sue for custody of my stepkids and leave the state after we got married. It's been a challenge with him. My wife and her ex have spent more time in court than I ever realized possible over custody disputes.
Over time, with their dad's very negative attitude toward me, my stepkids started having the negative attitude toward me too. My wife in the beginning was good about stepping in and not making me the bad guy.
Then she faltered. Then she would tell me to leave it to her because it would make her ex's anger worse if the kids were telling him I was parenting them. It was an added challenge when we had two kids together who are now 6 and 4. It's messy and not healthy.
So we have been in family therapy and marriage therapy because I don't feel like my wife does enough to help bring peace to the household. She'll make plans with one or both of her kids and then ask me to do it but not tell them.
It pisses them off. But then she'll tell me to be careful that her ex doesn't see me with her kids other times or he'll be in their ears more and spewing more negativity. I make time for all four kids 1:1 but my stepkids hate it and make their feelings about me clear.
They also made it clear they want their parents back together and repeat many awful things their father says about me. Marriage therapy has been a make or break thing for the last 2 months. My wife is intervening far less than before.
My biggest issue is mean comments made toward our kids together. I'm a grown man so while not pleasant, I can handle it. But the kids? They don't deserve it. And the disrespect and hurtful comments have increased a lot in the last 4 or so months.
Last Thursday my wife had made plans but had also agreed with some other parents to take my stepkids and their friends to their activities. I was already supposed to have my afternoon with our two kids.
But then she wanted me to do it since her ex wouldn't (court order specifies they ask each other first before non-parents). My stepkids heard her ask me and protested and said some more hurtful things and so I told my wife no. She got mad and told me I couldn't let our kids down.
My stepkids yelled they weren't my kids. I told my wife that's the answer to that. I went with my bio kids as planned and when we had therapy Monday she brought it up and said I was an a$s and had shown I don't care about her kids.
We argued about it again yesterday and I told her it's not that I don't care, but I'm not willing to deal with the disrespect when even she can't respect me enough to step in anymore. She told me I had proven I couldn't be trusted to be there. That I was a bad husband and father. AITA?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Unusual-Judge1912 said:
NTA. You've been placed in a no-win situation and are dealing with significant disrespect not only from your stepchildren but, indirectly, from your wife by not consistently addressing the issue.
Your refusal to drive them was a consequence of ongoing issues, not a lack of care on your part. Protecting your own mental well-being and that of your biological kids is critical, especially in such a tumultuous family dynamic.
WickedAngelLove said:
NTA and honestly this is looking like its going towards divorce. I would definitely ask my wife is this what she wants?
Adventurous_Couple76 said:
NTA. But you were one when you decided to bring two more kids to this mess
Kami_Sang said:
NTA - your main issue is your wife. She's not handling the situation with you and all her kids (your step and bio) well. She's creating chaos for everyone.
omeomi24 said:
NTA - Your wife IS letting her kids down by allowing an ex to dictate what happens. She IS letting her kids down by not going back to court to stop the ex from turning the kids against her and against you.
Unfortunately the ones who will suffer the most are your stepchildren. Within a few years they will grow up and they will realize the damage their bio dad did to the family and to them. Your wife's 'plans' need to be focused on taking care of her 4 children - and that includes being the 'taxi' for the two older ones.
Adventurous-travel1 said:
NTA but what she said in the last therapy is your sign that this is not a healthy relationship and needs to end. I would also start recording what the step kids say to the kids to help with custody. I would be afraid for my kids to be around them and alone.
SnooDoughnuts4691 said:
Your wife fumbles her responsibility with her kids, then expects you to step in and run with them when they're rude and disrespectful to both you and your kids. Sorry to say this doesn't look to change or get any better. Time for you to move on to protect your kids and your own mental health. NTA.