'AITA for refusing to drive three hours to Christmas lunch after my brother didn't come to mine?'

"AITA for refusing to drive three hours to Christmas lunch?"

A week ago, I suggested to my brother that I host Christmas lunch at my place and have him and his wife over. He liked the idea of spending Christmas together, but said he didn’t want to deal with the Christmas traffic to get to my side of the city. Instead, he proposed that we celebrate on another day.

I was fine with that and suggested we pick a location halfway between us if we weren’t going to meet on Christmas Day itself. Fast forward to today, he called me after discussing it with his wife and offered to host at their place instead. My first reaction was to ask if this didn’t just reintroduce the issue of having to deal with Christmas traffic—the very reason he didn’t want to come to my place.

He immediately got defensive and suggested we just do our own thing for the holidays. For context, my brother often drives long distances, while I rarely do. Additionally, I have health issues that make long trips harder for me to manage. So, AITA for not wanting to drive 3 hours each way for Christmas lunch—especially when he was the one who didn’t want to deal with traffic in the first place?

EDIT: I should add that last year he suggested that I host at my place. I'd only just moved in, so it didn't happen. Since I'm more settled, I thought I'd offer for this year.

He also makes similar length trips, every couple of weeks.

The internet made their thoughts on the scenario known.

National_Pension_110 wrote:

NTA. Relationships are about compromise. Are there any other extenuating circumstances? Like are they caretakers for small children, elderly or pets that can’t be left alone for a half day? Is there any mass transit available to help?

You make it sound like you live on opposite sides of a city—that must be a big metro area, so wondering if there are any trains, etc, that can make commuting easier? Good luck. If not, just meet over FaceTime or zoom, I guess.

OP responded:

No kids, but we both have pets. All would be fine for the time either of would be gone. I live on the outskirts of the city and he lives in a country town, the other side of the city. Thank you, that's true, could certainly do FaceTime, if it comes to it.

Victor-Grimm wrote:

NTA-Your initial response was valid and he probably got mad because when he asked his wife, she asked why they couldn’t come here instead? His brain probably shut off and didn’t compute the explanation he gave would be responded back to him.

He is mad because he realized at that moment him asking that of you was stupid and should have never been asked. Basically, the light bulb came on and he realized he is an idiot.

FlanSwimming8607 wrote:

It was okay for them to drive the long distance but not you? Even if he is accustomed to long drives maybe it’s out of necessity and not because he “likes” it. Do your own thing or meet in the middle. Kinda TA.

Dry_Tourist_1232 wrote:

When I was growing up, my mom had a brother who lived about 3 hours away. Our families would take turns going to each other’s homes for Christmas, but not just for dinner. We’d always spend a day or two. My uncle passed away in his 40’s; those are good memories.

ThatUsrname_is_taken wrote:

Hmm. You’re both maybe sort of not completely hearing each other out and being reactive, but maybe your brother is more reactive. Maybe your brother’s wife reminded him that they only get Christmas off from work and making even an hour and a half trip any other day would not be possible.

Have they driven the three hours in the past to see you? Do you ever go see them? How bad is your health issue? Is it completely inhibitive and they’re not being sensitive to it or is it manageable? Do they have kids they would have to travel with?

Do you think they might have a reason for it to feel like they put more work into seeing you then you put into see them or the other way around? These are all things you should discuss and be open to hear from one another and both be ready to compromise.

Admittedly, your brother’s reaction of just throwing his hands up and suggesting you just cancel seeing each other seems a bit dramatic, like he might be hard to compromise with, but I’d suggest to try and speak again and ask questions about what are challenges in seeing one another and trying to come to a compromise that works for both of you.

OK_Sprinkles9729 wrote:

NTA. However traffic on the actual holiday is usually extremely light compared to a work day commute traffic. If lunch were at noon, each of you would have to leave at 9:00. At a time when most people are just getting up and getting breakfast and opening gifts. So traffic would be pretty light at that time.

I think meeting halfway was the perfect idea. I do like the FaceTime idea of another commenter. I can just picture both of you making your own meals and eating lunch together on FaceTime, I just giggled at my own thought of people eating with thier mouth full trying to talk during FaceTime. Sorry but that's just where my brain went. LOL.

bay_lamb wrote:

It's obvious that his wife is the one who's unhappy with the arrangements for whatever reason. Why don't you remove christmas from the occasion. Just say sorry it doesn't look like it'll work out for Christmas but maybe y'all could meet halfway for lunch after the holidays.

PhilosophicalWarPig wrote:

NTA if you have legitimate health issues. If you are just using that as an excuse, ESH, because it would be hypocritical to have him drive over and not return the favour, while he shouldn't back out of meeting you half way like you'd agreed. So it depends on the nature of your health issue.