Husband’s weight loss leads to marital conflict over portion sizes and cultural food expectations. AITA?
"AITA for refusing to eat all of my wife's food?"
MyManD
So I (37m) and my wife (35f) are cooling down from an argument right now based around me telling her point blank to make less food in the future or I'm going to continue not eating it.
The backstory is pretty simple and nothing to the point of threatening our marriage or anything. I'm getting up in years and as a basketball player and these knees are startng to go.
I had eventually reached around 89kg (196lbs) at 176cm (5'9) tall around the tail end of Covid. I knew I had to make a change and at least get down to my pre-Covid weight (around 74kg, or 163lbs). Now I'm actually all the way down to 70kg! I'm happy with my progress and I'm set on making this my new normal moving forward until old age and beyond.
But my wife isn't exactly thrilled I've shed all the weight. There aren't love handles for her to play with anymore. Most devastating for her is I don't eat nearly as much as I used to.
We trade off cooking duties every day and when it's me, I usually make just enough. But when she cooks? There is always enough food for another full plate of food. My wife is tiny so she can't eat it, and I'm now a dude who doesn't eat it, either.
I always say we can save it and have it for dinner the next day again (I don't eat breakfast and lunches are provided by my work), and while that worked for awhile eventually the leftovers just went in the bin and she'd ask me to cook something new instead.
Although it's been fine more or less she doesn't hold back on commenting. To her, men should be eating seconds or thirds. It's just the Japanese way to her (she's Japanese and we live in the country), and she always recalled her father enthusiastically asking for seconds and thirds. She's feeling more and more ashamed that her husband doesn't like her cooking.
But I do! Her cooking is fantastic. And I eat as much as I can when she makes it! It's just she makes too much now. We've had talks about her portion sizing, but it's always gotten back around to letting her cook her way.
This all boiled over earlier tonight when she asked if I wanted a second serving of karaage (a delicious fried chicken) and I said, "Nah, I'm way too full." In which she countered with, "Are you just going to throw away all this chicken then? That's so wasteful."
I knew I was giving the wrong response immediately, as the words left my mouth, but still I said it. "YOU are wasting all of this chicken. I told you to make less food. I've been telling you for months. I don't see you eating the chicken, either. You are the one wasting money and time making all this extra food that I won't eat, and that's not going to change."
Now she's in bed after a cry, and nothing from me gave her any comfort. And I'm downstairs writing this. I know my response was wrong in the moment, but have I been an AH about this entire weight loss journey, at least as it pertains to my wife's cooking? Should I have just sucked it up and ate all of her food?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
C_Majuscula
NTA. You have spoken up about this plenty. At this point, she should need to eat any leftovers that she produces. Hopefully this isn't the case, but she may be subconsciously sabotaging your weight loss.
MyManD (OP)
I don’t think it’s sabotage, it’s not the type of person she is. She’s just a bit set in her ways and expectations on what and how much I should eat. (Though I gotta admit you planting that seed into my mind has me thinking lol)
Worth_Chemist_3361
NTA. It's an Asian thing. Food=love. I'm Chinese and my mum always overcooked. And then, would comment on all our weights. It took over 20 years and all the kids moving out for her to finally cook less, or at least just enough that everything's finished with no leftovers whenever we visit her.
Just tell your wife you don't view food the same way. Food's sustenance. And overeating is a bad habit. At your age, excess weight leads to health problems and if she loves you, she wouldn't want that for you. Just keep repeating that while reassuring her that you still love her even if you want to eat less of what she makes.
momofklcg
NTA. But why doesn’t someone take the leftovers for lunch the next day?
MyManD (OP)
We both work in education and eat lunches with our students (Japan has daily school lunches that are served in class). No one brings their own lunches.
nyli07
NTA, you definitely need to approach this from a compassionate angle. Sit her down once she’s cooled off and tell her you know how she must be feeling, that it must feel like you don’t love her cooking, something she’s really proud of.
Tell her you know her dad always loved her mom’s cooking and that that was always something really special, a sign of a happy household. And then tell her that you are absolutely, 1000% not eating less of her cooking because it’s not delicious, and that it’s been a struggle to not eat seconds because it IS so good.
Tell her that you want to lose weight because you want to be around and healthy for the both of you when you’re old. (I’m thinking your goal is a little more short term and aesthetic… but this is how I’d like to hear it!)
As amazing as her cooking is, being strong and active in your old age so that you can still both have great mobility and independence is the most important thing. And then maybe you can both compromise a little- you have a cheat day once a week, she can join you on a walk or in a little workout.