'AITA for refusing to fully support my wife financially? She said she'd leave.' UPDATED 2X

"AITAH for refusing to fully support my wife financially?"

I (50M) and my wife (43F) have been together for 7 years, married for 18 months. No kids on either side. Our relationship has generally gone well. We're physically compatible and enjoy each other's company. Honestly, the conversation is not super deep -- we mostly have generally positive but surface level interactions.

From the start of our relationship I've paid for most of our joint expenses (dinners, vacations) and we both moved into a house I owned 4 years ago. That's wasn't a big problem for me (I earn well) and she was also making just over 6 figures and was able to buy herself what she wanted (she has a bit of a "clothes habit", but it doesn't really bother me).

Over the last year a few things changed in our relationship. Firstly, my wife left her job (she went out on leave but didn't return). Then we went on vacation and while on vacation I had a serious medical issue which meant we had to cut the vacation short.

I spent 6 weeks in and out of hospital. My wife was supportive (e.g. driving me to and from appointments) but didn't really engage with what I was going through.

A few months after that I had pretty much recovered. At that point my mother passed away. I grew up outside the US so went back to my family for the funeral. While I was with my family, my wife asked me if I'd consider an open relationship (TBH the medical issues had negatively impacted our bedroom life). I felt the timing was inappropriate and my wife apologized.

I came back from the funeral a couple of weeks later, and went back to work but things felt tense. Last week my wife told me she was running out of money. This was the first time she'd mentioned any money issues. We've never had a joint bank account but she is insisting that we open one and I put my salary into it. We've never discussed that before either.

I told her that I didn't feel very emotionally supported in the relationship and I feel blindsided by what I saw as an ultimatum. She responded that maybe we should separate if I'm not going to step up and fully support her.

AITAH for refusing?

Not long after posting, OP shared a short update.

UPDATE: Thanks to everyone who commented. It's honestly pretty sobering and has forced me to confront some things about my marriage but also about myself that aren't particularly pretty. We're sleeping apart tonight and I'm going to bed.

The commenters had lots to say about the situation.

Amazing_reality2980 wrote:

NTA I would bet anything she's cheating. Disengaged, even when you're going through a medical issue. Asking to open the relationship when you literally JUST lost your mom and were at her funeral. Who the F does that??? A complete narcissist is who.

Now she's having money issues and wants you to pay. And when you balk, her first go to is to separate? Dude, she's using you for financial support while playing on the side. File for divorce and kick her ass to the curb.

Diary_of_zero wrote:

Why don't you think that you deserve better? Why are you setting for someone who shows not even a tiny scrap of respect for you? YTA for not loving yourself and for allowing someone to disrespect and use you. That's not what love is.

NTA for refusing and for the love of everything beautiful...don't cave and give her any money. Please take the separation and spend some time caring for yourself. Your hurt, grieving and you need support. Please go find it. Hugs from random internet lurker.

OP responded:

Thank you.

celticmuse wrote:

PRO TIP: a woman asking for an "open relationship" has already opened the relationship. She's going to have a rough time supporting herself with bit parts in community theater.

NTA but lock down your credit.

BigBongShlong wrote:

NTA. As an adult in an adult relationship, it's pretty crazy to expect someone you met at age 36 to support you without some kind of trade off. No kids, I assume, so what's she doing all day? She sounds like she's pretty clearly said "I want to sleep with other people, and if you won't support me financially, we might as well separate."

OP responded:

She is an (aspiring?) actor. She's been in a few shows but they pay little to nothing and take up lots of time.

Yeah, that is how it comes across to me as well.

OP shared a comment about his wife’s medical leave:

She took a medical leave for burnout. We did discuss her going on leave, but not that she wouldn't get another job when it ended. Then I got sick and it feels like a downward spiral since.

SnooOpinions1612 wrote:

NTA, but your relationship sounds less about love and more about convenience. Are you together just so you are not alone? The marriage is young and may not be hard to get out of but I wouldn't stay in such a relationship of what sounds like one of those "if we haven't found love by X age let's get married" kind of situations. If she's ready to separate then maybe it is time to dip out.

OP responded:

This hurt to hear, probably because it's more true than I'd like it to be. I don't like being alone. At some point I looked at all the people I'd dated and went "you know, this is pretty good all things considered". But "pretty good", not "great" or "love of my life".

Sigh...you are right (of course.) But sometimes when I hear statements like this it's like reading about people with terrible bosses who stick out their awful jobs because they don't have any financial cushion. Two weeks without a paycheck and they are halfway to homeless.

This is terrifying for them and so they stick in the suboptimal situation even though (in theory at least) there are many better jobs. I was adopted at birth. My adoptive mother (who recently died) was a narcissist who used me (I was smart and she showed me off to her friends which I hated). I had no friends of my own. Generally my childhood sucked.

I've made a much better run of my adulthood. Good jobs, my own friends etc. But my "relationship cushion" is still thin despite 20 years of therapy. It doesn't take much for me to think "maybe nobody actually loves me." I'm not looking for pity. But be aware that just because something seems like an obvious thing to do doesn't always make it easy.

A week later, OP shared another update.

Well it's been quite a whirlwind of a week. After we had the initial discussion we didn't talk for almost a day. Then we came back with a mutual expression of "WTF just happened" on our faces and stared blankly at each other. I suggested that we take a time out to write down what was on our minds.

Then we could have each other read it and that would be the basis for a more in depth conversation. So we spent a day doing that. Boy, it did NOT go well. I wrote about how I perceived she was emotionally absent while I was sick. She really didn't understand what I meant and I tried to explain "you know, sometimes I just need someone to talk to."

Her response was basically "all you want to do is talk" and I felt that was really cold. What she wrote was basically a diatribe (well that's how it felt to me) about my legal obligation to support her. At one point she said our "marriage" (quotes were hers) and I felt particularly hurt by that description.

It was clear that we weren't on the same page (or even in the same book!) about what the problems were. My wife then suggested counseling and I agreed -- her therapist knows a marriage counselor. He sent us some intake forms, which asked us to rate our satisfaction with the marriage and the "accessibility, responsiveness and engagement" of our partner.

It was a miserable exercise filling out the form and realizing just how low my ratings were. So that evening I sat my wife down and said "I scored us really low." She asked "Should we bother talking more?" I said "No, I don't think this is going to work". She agreed pretty quickly and we cancelled our appointment with the marriage counselor. We have an appointment with a divorce lawyer later this week.

I'm probably going to owe spousal support. I'm not thrilled with that -- but it's only money and I'll get over it. My wife understands she'll need to move out and has started packing. How do I feel about this? Obviously it's a big shock. At the same time (thanks every for the comments on the previous post!) it's clearly the right thing to do. There was nothing here worth saving.

The internet offered OP all their support.

katonymus wrote:

For the spousal support, maybe the fact that she decided to quit her job could have an impact on the amount of support you owe…

OP responded:

From what I understand, spousal support is based on the past year of marriage (when she wasn't working, yay). It is half the length of the marriage.

So it's not forever, but it doesn't matter why she quit her job. It's strict community property where I live.

ann_sophie wrote:

The text reveals a significant communication breakdown. Effective communication involves not only expressing one's own needs but also actively listening and understanding the partner’s perspective. The failed attempt at written communication and the dissatisfaction with counseling suggest that both parties were struggling to connect and understand each other’s viewpoints.

OP responded:

Yeah, that's fair. I think the communication was poor for a long time. But this was exposed when we actually wanted different things from each other.

DependentBad9822 wrote:

Sounds like you two were co-pilots on a plane headed to Splitsville, but neither of you wanted to admit who was flying it. Writing down feelings is like opening Pandora's box with a stick of dynamite - sometimes it just blows up in your face. Her going straight to the "legal obligation" card while you're out here just wanting a chat over tea shows you were playing checkers on different boards.

Therapy could've been your parachute, but it seems you both decided to jump without it. On the bright side, at least you're landing on mutual ground with the divorce decision. Dodging a bullet or simply accepting the inevitable?

Either way, brace for impact and keep your wallet handy, because the landing gears (a.k.a. spousal support) aren't gonna deploy without a cost. Stay strong, buddy. It's time for a solo flight to wherever the heck you want, minus the extra baggage.

OP responded:

I just wanted to say I love the analogies here!

Peaceout316 wrote:

NTA This is for the best. You have different values. You can't operate as a team.

OP responded:

Yeah this is what really came out of this. It was super clear that:

- I wasn't happy - She wasn't happy - we were unhappy about different things.

I don't think there's any way past that.

OP shared a comment about getting therapy in order to deal with his issues and understanding what the best decisions would be to work on himself.

My past experiences with being single all involve me falling into deep depression a few months later. Not "I'm unhappy being single" style but "I can't get out of bed and multiple antidepressants are all ineffective" style.

So what I feel right now is a tightness in my gut that is a bit like impending doom. I really wish it were that simple. I've been to therapy for 20 years. I have several hobbies (hiking, board games, trivia, live theater). I go to church for social connection and I have good friends.

I used to have low self worth. I worked on that for a long time and I think of myself as being worthwhile. I like who I have become. What I have never been able to change though is what happens to me physiologically when I'm alone. I basically shut down. The best explanation I got from a therapist is that this comes from my early childhood.

I was adopted at birth and didn't bond as a baby. So something there seems to be just missing. I would love to solve this problem. But neither therapy, hobbies, friends nor the psychiatric medications I've tried have really helped. I'm very much open to suggestions here but they need to be a lot more specific than "work on yourself".