'AITA for refusing to get my BFF a wedding gift since I can't afford her registry?' UPDATED

"AITA for refusing to get my best friend a wedding gift?"

I (23F) have known my best friend (24F), let's call her Maria, since we were babies. We have been inseparable our whole lives and she is like a sister to me. We both grew up in a poor area and our families struggle a lot with money.

We are both in our final year of college now and I don't have a lot of money to spare - I have lots of student debt and I work two jobs to have enough money for food and rent, etc. We both go to a very prestigious college so we have worked very hard to get to where we are.

Around six months ago, Maria met a guy at the shop she works at, called Mike (33M). They started dating pretty quickly and Mike is very rich - he is the definition of living off daddy's money. At first I was a little bit skeptical as obviously Mike is quite a bit older than her but she seemed happy. After a month of them dating, Maria had changed a lot.

She was missing lectures and tests to go on last-minute holidays to Dubai, Paris, New York, etc, and always coming back with designer accessories. After three months she moved in with Mike, which upset me as I had to sell our shared apartment because I could not afford rent by myself. I thought they were moving very quickly but I didn't want to seem jealous or petty by bringing it up.

Around a month ago, Mike proposed to Maria, and she accepted. I was happy for her, but after she told me her plans, I was shocked. Maria's dream since we were kids was to work for NASA and she has worked so hard for this - she has taken internships there and was planning to apply there for next year.

But her new plan is to get married, graduate college and move to LA with Mike and become a housewife. The wedding is planned for this December and it is the most lavish, expensive wedding that you could think of. Her bridal shower is next week and she has asked me to be her maid of honor. While I don't approve of her plans, of course I said yes.

She's inviting me and some of her new, rich friends she's met through Mike to the shower, and she made a groupchat with all of us in. She sent us a list of the presents she wanted which took me by surprise because this list included designer items and luxury furniture that I could definitely not afford - the cheapest was $550!! I had planned to get her something sentimental and personal, not designer brands.

While all the bridesmaids were discussing in the chat what they would buy for her I messaged her privately and apologized that I wouldn't be able to buy anything. She completely went off at me, saying that my financial issues shouldn't get in the way of her wedding.

I got pretty upset as this isn't the Maria I've known my whole life and she is well aware of my issues with money. I told her that if this is the way she's acting, I wouldn't buy her anything at all.

She's removed me from the wedding party chat and I've had several angry messages from Mike and the bridesmaids telling me what a horrible friend I am. I'm feeling very conflicted about whether I'm in the wrong, AITA?

What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:

Prudent_Border5060 said:

Nta But your friendship is over basically. Her values have changed. She isn't the same person anymore. And honestly there is some massive red flags in her relationship. You cannot help her in this regard. It's time to let her live her life the way she wants. Your lives aren't compatible anymore. She is placing a gift over your shared history. And what your friendship means.

To be honest being a bridesmaid is very expensive. And with her taste it will be even more so. It sounds like she is putting having an expensive lifestyle over her own dreams. I think you need to do what's best for you. Do not go into debt for this wedding. I would decline being a last of the wedding party due to financial reasons. If she is a true friend she would understand.

CaptColten said:

NTA. She dumped you with a shared apartment that you cant afford, and then is mad you cant afford things? And your financial situation shouldn't ruin her wedding, like what? Does she think you're out here being poor just to spite her? Does she think you should just fall behind on your bills and skip a few meals so she can have a fancy handbag? This girl doesnt care about you, and she's made it very obvious.

Seegtease said:

NTA. Your finances are always more important than anyone's wedding. If she doesn't get that, she's not a good friend. It's a sad story, as she's seemed to change. This happens and it's possible you just aren't compatible friends anymore. It's a fact that many of us have to accept in our lives.

If she doesn't apologize and accept what little you have to offer as a gift, then I'd mark that the end of the friendship. You don't owe an apology.

And Inevitable-You9141 said:

NTA. “She completely went off at me, saying my financial issues shouldn’t get in the way of her wedding”. This is a warning red flag the size of Texas. Op you are not in the wrong if you can’t get her something expensive whether that’s by choice or not she should respect that

About a month later, she shared this update:

Thank you everyone for your comments. It has been 3 weeks since I dropped out of the wedding party and I am still getting calls from Mike and the bridesmaids. I spoke to a couple friends and asked for advice and like a lot of comments said they advised just to be there for Maria and try to reach out if possible. I messaged her last week asking to meet for a coffee and after being left on read for a few days she agreed.

I spoke to her explaining my concerns about the marriage and why I decided to drop out of the wedding party. She stayed silent through all of it and when I finished she broke down in tears, so badly she couldn't speak. I took her back to my place and once she calmed down she explained what was really happening.

Like I said, Mike lives off his parents' fortune. Turns out his parents had a deal - he could only continue using their money as long as he got married by 35. As he was quickly reaching this deadline he found a young, pretty girlfriend and rushed into marriage so he could continue his luxury lifestyle.

Maria found this out at family dinner back in July; Maria tried to confront him but he threatened her with taking all her money leaving her jobless & without an place to live. Mike's parents also have a prenuptial in the works and Maria confessed she has been stalling it as long as she can.

She also explained to me that the bridesmaids/new 'friends' had been picked by Mike as daughters of his father's friends and they all made fun of Maria for being previously poor. Because of this she felt like she had to change hence the dramatic personality change and expensive registry.

It all went down after I dropped out of the party. Maria caught Mike cheating with an even younger girl, she found messages of them sexting and evidence of her coming to their house. She confronted him and he denied everything, deleted all evidence and tried gaslight her into thinking she made it up.

She was sleeping in the spare room until we met up, and right now she's staying on the couch in my apartment. Last night she officially called off the engagement and both me and her have been receiving hateful messages all night.

We're making a plan at the moment to help her cut ties with Mike, get back on track with college and find a job again. I'm still mad at her for what she did to me and it will take a very long time for our friendship to get back on track but I am trying my best to support her.

Again, thank you everyone for your comments and feedback, I really appreciate it. While she still has a long way to go, I am happy to see that the person I knew and loved is slowly coming back.