MIL’s criticism of autistic mother's parenting style escalates into family standoff over dinner plans for toddler. AITA?
"AITA for refusing to go to my MIL's for dinner anymore?"
wiggitywoogitywham
I want to preface this by saying that I am on the spectrum, and therefore struggle with nuanced social situations. Which is why I'm reaching out to online for some third party insight.
My MiL has recently moved back to our hometown after finally escaping from her ex. My husband and I were unaware of the severity of the situation (because MiL made efforts to hide it), and I know that my husband is feeling very guilty about it.
But MiL is doing better and has her own little apartment in town and has been working and rebuilding her life. We've made efforts to support her as much as possible, but we are in a tight spot financially, so what we can do is limited.
For the past few couple weeks, my MiL has been inviting us over to her place for dinner multiple times a week. She has always loved to cook, and says she is excited to get to cook for family again. Plus she gets to spend time with our toddler.
The problem is that she has consistently told us to be there around 6pm, only for her to not have dinner ready until 9pm or later. And she refuses any help in the kitchen.
This is a major issue because we wind up staying out passed our daughter's bedtime. Her whole nighttime routine gets thrown off, and it makes it harder to get her down for bed. Not to mention how cranky she gets waiting on the food.
I've tried to gently talk to my MiL about this, but she has always been critical of me, and of my parenting. She thinks it's outrageous that I keep my daughter on such a strict schedule, and insists that when her kids were little, they didn't have schedules, and just ate when they were hungry and fell asleep when they were tired and it worked out just fine.
I asked my husband to talk to his mom about it, but she basically told him the same thing. Then went off on him about how she was just trying to help us out financially by providing a few meals for us, and how it was terrible of us to try to make her feel bad for just wanting to spend time with her family.
So he dropped it, and we've been back to her place for dinner a couple more times since then. And it's still been served at 9pm. And she's been making passive aggressive comments about how I need to loosen up and how I can't expect the world to stick to my schedule.
And my husband thinks we should just put up with it because his mom has been through so much, and he feels partially responsible because he was unaware of the situation and wasn't able to protect her.
But after a particularly critical phone call with her yesterday, I told my husband that I didn't want to go to her place for dinner anymore. He insisted that she's just stressed because of everything she's been through, and we need to show her some leniency.
I told him that she can come over to our place for dinner every now and then, that would be fine. But I'm not going to be held captive at her apartment anymore. We didn't really come to an agreement, though. And I'm thinking that maybe I'm being too harsh on my MiL, and torturing my husband in the process. So, AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
CheeseMakingMom
NTA. Childrearing theories have evolved over the decades since your MIL raised free-range children. If you absolutely cannot refuse the invitation (which is not a summons, BTW), pack some dinner for your little one and stick to your bedtime routine so she isn’t cranky and fussy.
If MIL still has a problem with it, because waiting for 3 hours past a specified time isn’t rude at all, then you need to present a united front with your spouse that your daughter will have a structured routine. Info: what does she make that requires 3 hours of prep time?
wiggitywoogitywham (OP)
It's not that she's consistently cooking that whole time. She'll do some prep, then take a smoke break. Then do a little more, and then take a play- with- baby break. Then a coffee break. Then she'll do a little more cooking, then take a phone call outside. Then another smoke break. Apparently, this is how she's always done things.
magiemaddi
Well he didn't notice his mother being abused, that's awful. So what now, he's going to let his mother verbally abuse his wife to make up for it???? NTA but maybe your husband needs a reality check that he is STILL letting a woman he loves be mistreated - but this time it's YOU. Is he seriously okay with that? Why?
Does it make his mommy feel better to put you down? Does it make his mommy feel special? Does it make her feel better than you? And that's why he's okay with it? She's not trying to "help financially" - she's trying to buy the right to boss you around.
She wants to watch you change your life and routine just because it suits her. Just so she can feel in control. You have a husband problem. He's not helping his mom. He's giving his mom a victim to criticize.
wiggitywoogitywham (OP)
Well we didn't notice what was going on because she and her ex were living in a different town, many hours away from us. My husband is a very wonderful husband and father, but he is a bit of a pushover when it comes to his mom. I will talk to him again about the situation, but more sternly this time.
rockology_adam
NTA. Good sleep schedules for young children are important. It would be one thing if she was having the kid sleep for a bit at her place. That would be ok. But keeping the kid up til 9pm on grandma's say so? No, grandma only gets to have that say so if the kid is staying and grandma's and you're not there. Even then, it's borderline, but if you're there, you set bedtime.
If your hubby still wants to go, that's great. He can go on his own. If she wants to come see you for dinner and keep to your schedule, that's fine too. MIL may have been through some trauma but she doesn't get to download it on to you and your kid. She needs to accommodate your schedule, at least somewhat, if this is what she wants.