'AITA for refusing to help my ex husband raise his kids after his wife died?'
"AITA for refusing to help my ex husband raise his kids after his wife died?"
My 44F have 2 children with my ex 46 both 10 m. He cheated on me with his then ap and they had two children 5f and 6m who he ended up marrying. Despite all this, me and my ex decided to be civil to one another for the kid's sake. We had an agreement that I have the kid's during the weekdays and he had them on the weekends.
It worked reasonably well. He would often bring his other children when he come to pick up our sons. They were good kids. His wife hardly spoke to me, but she was civil and she was good to my children which was good enough for me.
Last year his wife died suddenly. My ex went into depression. My son's were worried about their siblings. So I spoke to my ex and he said they were fine. My son's asked if they could have there siblings stay over and after asking my ex he was okay with it. This started happening often and it did give my ex time to get help with his depression.
When I felt he was doing better I started encouraging him to be more with his children as I did notice his children were getting attached to me. Which he did. But his children kept asking for their siblings and wanting to come back to my house. My ex suggested we take them out on weekends together, which now that I think about, shouldn't have agreed too.
Now I got a job offer with better pay. I decided to take it. But it would mean I had to move to the other side of the country. I told my son's and they said they will miss there siblings and dad but were excited about the move and change. They told my ex and he got very upset with me and rang me and said I can't take his son's away. I said we can come vist when I vist my parent's.
But he wasn't listening and said his kids are going to be upset. I said I'm sorry about that but he will have to deal with it. He called me cruel and heartless and then hung up on me. That same day his parents called me and said I was selfish to take away the boys and that the kids need a mother figure in their life.
I told them I wasn't there mother and they said they've been watching me with them and said I was doing everything a mother does for children. They then threatened to take me to court for the boys if I go. Since then I've had his family text and ring me saying I was selfish and cruel and I need to step up. I feel so guilty. AITA?
Edit: I see that many are asking how am I legally able to move without my ex permission. It's because I have fully custody. Him seeing them on the weekends was something we agreed to outside of court. So legally I can move without his permission. His parents threatened to take me to court to try and get back custody.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Big-Frequent480 said:
NTA. You took his kids for your children’s sake, not your ex. You need to not have any contact with his family at this point. His parents have threatened to take you to court. Their contact with you should now only be through attorneys.
dancerobyndance_ said:
NTA - Lawyer up pal! Don't take any more phone calls, everything in writing. Record all your sessions with these people (ex's parents). Document everything! Even if it seems small, it might not be later.
Intelligent_Read_697 said:
NTA and you are going to need a lawyer to help you sort this out…your priority will always be your own kids but I would prepare to have an answer for your own kids if they ever push back on any of this.
DawnShakhar said:
NTA. Your ex started this roller-coster when he cheated on you. While the siblings are connected, your two are your only children, and you have the right to your life. You can encourage the kids to video-chat and bring them together on vacations, but you don't have to put your life on hold for them.
kikivee612 said:
NTA. You took his kids for your children’s sake, not your ex. You need to not have any contact with his family at this point. His parents have threatened to take you to court. Their contact with you should now only be through attorneys. Your ex is responsible for his other children. Asking you to be anything to them is a slap in the face.
Boo-Boo97 said:
NTA for wanting a better job opportunity but you absolutely need to get family court involved to adjust a current custody order if there is one or to get a new one put in place. If your ex has any brains at all he's already got a lawyer and is preparing to file for custody.
You don't just get to unilaterally decide to move your kids across the country. Your ex has rights and if your family is in the same area then its very likely he'd get custody since he'll have a support network already in place.