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'AITA for refusing to help my sister pay for her wedding? She claims it's a loan.' UPDATED

'AITA for refusing to help my sister pay for her wedding? She claims it's a loan.' UPDATED

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"AITA for refusing to help my sister pay for her wedding?"

So, here's the situation: I (28M) have a sister (26F) who is getting married in a few months. We’ve always had a bit of a rocky relationship. Growing up, she was the golden child, always getting what she wanted, and I often felt like my needs and accomplishments were overlooked in comparison.

This became even more apparent when we both started getting older, and I noticed that whenever she had a problem or wanted something, it was always expected that I’d be there to support her, even when it was inconvenient for me.

Now, she’s planning this huge wedding—like, really extravagant. She’s talking about a destination wedding, fancy venues, a designer dress, the whole works. She’s already racked up a huge bill, and a couple of weeks ago, she came to me asking for a loan of $10,000 to help cover some of the costs.

She mentioned how my other sibling (who has a lot more money than I do) had already agreed to contribute, and it’s just expected that I’ll do the same. Here’s the thing: I don’t have that kind of money lying around, and I’ve been working hard to pay off student loans and save for my own future.

I didn’t feel comfortable dipping into my savings for something that I feel is, frankly, a bit excessive. I politely told her I couldn’t afford it, but she became really upset and said that I should be there for her, especially since she helped me when I was in a tough spot a couple of years ago (I had a health issue that set me back financially).

I tried to explain that while I appreciated her past help, I’m not in a position to help with her wedding, and I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect me to give such a large sum. She got really angry and started telling the rest of the family that I was being selfish and unsupportive.

Now, most of my relatives are siding with her, saying I should just “make it work” for family. I’m feeling really conflicted. I know it’s her big day, but I don’t think I should have to sacrifice my financial stability for it. AITA for refusing to help pay for her wedding?

The commenters had a lot to say in response.

U_Wont_Remember_Me wrote:

You’re being emotionally manipulated. You weren’t even asked. For people like your sister it’s a win/win: if you pay she wins; if you don’t pay she bags the hell out of you, traumatizes you and turns the family against you, so she wins. She doesn’t care about your situation. She just wants “her money”. NOW.

It’s a tough spot to be in. I’m guessing that you don’t like conflict. That you shy away from it. Which she also counts on. Thing is, saying NO is not conflict. Saying NO is a complete sentence. Your sister compels everyone around her that she is the center of the universe so your needs don’t matter. I’m wondering if your parents have also reinforced this.

Your parents have infantilized her. Your sister has never had to deal with life’s difficulties, like not having an extravagant wedding cuz she can’t afford it. So how do you respond? Her: “Well our other brother gave us a large amount of money.” You: “I might go ask him then if he can pay off my substantial student debts then.”

Her: “You said you’d give me ten grand.” You: “You said I’d give you ten grand. I didn’t.”

The trick is to put the response back on her.

Her: “I want my ten grand.” You: “I just want to have a spare ten grand in my account. And i still would not give it to you.”

Then just walk away.

Jennyelf wrote:

Where are your parents in all this? If she's the golden child, why aren't they putting up the money?

You are NTA for saying a hard no. Not your wedding, not your responsibility. Your needs come first when it's about your finances.

Global-Fact7752 wrote:

Even if you two had an angelic relationship, her wedding expenses are not your responsibility.

Regular_Boot_3540 wrote:

She has options. The best option is scaling back the wedding. Siblings aren't expected to pay for each other's weddings, and she's not entitled to your money. NTA.

ChuckF93 wrote:

Family helping each other out is usually for during times of crisis, not for frivolity like this. You’re not an AH. You’re just not willing to overextend yourself in order to help deliver on something that in the grand scheme of things isn’t THAT important.

Big extravagant weddings are great if YOU and your spouse can afford it, but if you have to pressure those around you to help fund it, then maybe you shouldn’t be having a wedding like that and you should reevaluate your priorities.

Four days later, OP shared an update.

First of all, I want to thank everyone for your feedback on my initial post. I’ve been reading through all of the comments and trying to take in the advice and perspectives. I honestly didn’t expect the response to be so overwhelming, but it’s been really helpful in sorting through my own feelings about this situation. I wanted to share an update since things have progressed since I posted.

After I turned down my sister’s request for the $10,000 loan, things did not go well. She was furious, and as I mentioned before, she told the rest of the family that I was being “selfish” and “unsupportive.” At first, it was mostly just her and a couple of other relatives siding with her, but the situation quickly escalated.

My mom in particular has been really pressuring me to “just help out” because “family sticks together” and “it’s for her big day.” It’s been really uncomfortable, and honestly, the guilt trip has been nonstop. I still stand by my decision, though. I’m not in a position to hand over that kind of money, and I’m really focused on my own financial stability.

I’ve been working hard to pay off debt and save up for my own future goals. That said, I did offer a compromise. I told her I could contribute in a more reasonable way, like helping with smaller expenses (decorations, or maybe a few hundred dollars) rather than giving her a huge loan. But she was not happy with this and said it wasn’t enough. The situation with the family has gotten tense.

Some of my relatives, especially on my dad’s side, are more understanding of my position, but a lot of others are still on my sister’s side. There’s been a fair amount of pressure to “step up” and support her, but I’m holding firm. I also realized I have some deeper feelings of resentment toward my sister that I hadn’t fully processed before.

Growing up, it always felt like she was the golden child, and I was the one who had to work harder for everything, so this whole situation has just been a reminder of that dynamic. I guess I’m still processing some of that old tension, and it’s making this situation feel even more complicated. In the end, I’ve decided that I’m not going to let guilt or family pressure dictate my choices.

I can’t afford the loan she’s asking for, and I don’t think it’s fair to expect me to compromise my financial goals for her wedding. I’ve tried to be clear with her, but at this point, I’m just trying to navigate things with as much peace as possible. Thanks again for your advice and support—it's really helped me stick to my decision.

The internet did not hold back one bit.

Zealous_ideal946 wrote:

Can you use some of that money to find a a nearby vacation rental to hide for a bit? Get a google phone number and route your messages to a black void in outer space? Take emergency PTO and accidentally end up in Guam, Bali, Japan?

It sounds like they are wearing you down. You may need to piss them off so they cut contact with you for awhile. Use it.

Freeze your credit. All of it. They may force your hand with a fabricated emergency.

wlfwrtr wrote:

Possibly send a mass text to everyone including parents, "As I told sister, I do not have the $10,000 that sister is asking for for her wedding. Since most of you are telling me that I'm in the wrong you are more than welcome to give her the $10,000 that she wants. After all isn't it logical to give $10,000 for a wedding that isn't your own?"

"Many of you seem to think so. Let me know which of you are willing to give her the $10,000 so I can pass the information on to sister. After all the har-ssment this is as much as I'm willing to help at this point. Enjoy the wedding I won't be there."

tropicsandcaffeine wrote:

You are doing the right thing. If your sister is old enough to get married she is old enough to pay for it herself. If they are in such a rush to get married then they have to make decisions as to what they really want at the wedding. Or they can take the time to save the money themselves.

Their choice. It has nothing to do with you. Those pressuring you can "stand up" themselves to support her. The cynical part of me thinks they will still be paying back any loans even after the eventual divorce.

warhead_1 wrote:

You have debts of your own. Take care of yourself first. The next time that one of your relatives asks you to give your sister money for her over priced wedding "for the sake of family' ask them when they're going to help you pay for your student loan" for the sake of family.'"

Sources: Reddit,Reddit
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