'AITA for refusing to help my wife's family because of the way they treat me?'
"AITA for refusing to help my wife's family because of they way they treat me?"
I (34m) got married 9 years ago to my wife Jessica (33f). Jessica and I have two children Robyn (7f) and Theo (5m). Growing up I didn't have a family. I was a foster kid who was bounced around a lot because sometimes my bio mother would take me back but she'd always end up losing custody again or placing me back.
When she finally stopped trying I was 11 and too old for most people who wanted babies or really little kids. So I aged out of the system without being adopted or finding a family.
I had hoped when Jessica and I met that I'd be welcomed by her family. But that's not how it went. Took me years to figure it out though. They look down on me. They're not totally obvious about it but I see it in the way they are with me vs the way they're with the other sons/daughters in law.
Like asking them about Christmas plans but saying they didn't expect us to do anything else because I don't have a family. Or asking about the others jobs and promotions but never me, then acting so shocked both times Jessica or I mentioned I was promoted.
There was a time when my SIL mentioned a foster kid who won a scholarship to college and it made it into the local news. The whole family's reaction was "oh wow a foster kid making it to college is so unexpected" and Jessica pointed out that I went to college.
They looked a little uncomfortable and I heard two of her siblings whisper something about "Jessica and that story" so I assume they believed she lied about where we met.
They don't make an effort for my birthday. They make assumptions that I don't spend time with my kids. They assume any effort made by me is me doing it for Jessica and don't believe me when I say it's not.
Yet they will always ask for my help with repairs around the house or assembling something, because I'm good at that stuff. I have helped Jessica's parents and all her siblings at least twice.
Once I realized (with help from therapy) that they really didn't like me and seem to think less of me for being a foster kid, I did that stuff for Jessica and not for them. But then a few weeks ago Jessica's parents had issues with the stairs. I went and fixed them up.
I spent hours working on one part and had to go and get extra materials. It was a whole thing. Some of the family came over while I was there and Jessica's parents made food for them... but nothing for me.
When I asked them if there was any for me they told me they didn't think I'd want to eat after working so hard... for hours... with no food in between. I told them they didn't think that, they simply didn't want to be polite to me and offer food after doing all that work for them.
I was called out by Jessica's parents and her siblings. Jessica took my side as did some of the the siblings spouses. But I was called out again for not helping fix a shelf for one of Jessica's sisters and saying never again would I help any of them. They said family helps family. I asked them when they ever treat me like family. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Even_Enthusiasm7223
You're not a husband or Jessica's partner. You're a built-in handyman and that's all they'll ever look at you at. The hired help. You should tell Jessica that she can keep in all the contacts you want from their family but you need to go very low contact or no contact at all with them and that's it.
Maybe one holiday a year and that's about all I would do. And if they ever ask for help again say my hourly rate is $500 an hour and I need 3 hours up front. NTA.
xatherx
Bro, you are a saint for dealing with them for so long, completely cut them off and if your wife still can’t see how awful they are treating you then I would have a serious discussion with her. They are treating you like a low class citizen , not like family. Definitely NTA but you will be an AH if you let yourself get treated like this any longer.
ReviewOk929
"I asked them when they ever treat me like family."
NTA - Fair question.
They have demonstrably treated you as "other than family" for years and they need to put their money where their mouths are and actually treat you like a human to start, treating you as family would also be nice. Why they have such hurtful prejudices is beyond me. You've done nothing and they are the ones in the wrong here.
Prize-Bumblebee-2192
NTA. They’re rude and don’t deserve any favors from you. Completely taking advantage of you. Glad they’re on their own for this stuff now. I’m embarrassed for them.