'AITA for refusing to house my cousin who got into college in my city?' UPDATED
"AITA for refusing to house my cousin?"
My (25f) cousin (17M) recently got into NYU (I'm so proud of him!!!). My mom told me when I invited her over for dinner a couple of weeks ago. She then brought up that he could live with me instead of dorming. She brought it up in a casual and joking manner so I laughed and said "I can't live with that drama queen for the life of me."
She shrugged it off and she didn't bring up the topic again that night. Almost four days later I got a call from my aunt; she reiterated what my mother said and said she was so grateful for what I was doing for my cousin. I went silent for a little and asked what she meant by that. My aunt said that I had agreed to take my cousin in and let him live with me for his academic career.
I was shocked at first and told her that I never agreed to that. She then followed with- word to word- "I know, but he's your cousin, the least you can do is let him stay at your apartment". Now that I type it out it seems sort of innocent, but in that moment it angered me. I lost my cool and told her I don't owe anybody s**t and hung up.
I'll admit, I didn't handle that in the best manner and I could have been a lot calmer, but I really don't want someone to live with me. I live by myself in a 2 bedroom apartment in Forest Hills, I already pay a lot for rent, and have a very tight budget for food. Even if his parents offered to pay for his expenses, such as food and transportation, I still wouldn't want him living with me.
Shortly after my blow up with my aunt, A few of my family members began blowing up my phone saying that I'm being selfish and I'm jealous of my cousin's success. My uncle texted me saying that I'm ruining his son's life and ranted about how self-absorbed I am.
To be frank, I don't care what he or anyone else in my family tells me about this situation. There's a reason I try to avoid them at family functions. What makes me wonder if I am the AH is when my mother said that I was being unfair and that I'll open my apartment door for one-night stands but not for her own family.
I told her that she can have a say in who I let in my apartment when she starts paying my rent. Right now, I'm contemplating blocking my mom. Part of me feels like I am being an AH and the other part of me feels like its my apartment so I shouldn't be b*llied into anything I don't want to do.
I'm not mad at my cousin because he's a kid, but I'm really mad at everyone in my family taking his parent's and mom side of the story. My dad has been very supportive of my decision and is reprimanding my mom and her family about the whole situation. So AITA?
The internet was quick to respond.
TheZZ9 wrote:
NTA. But I'd suggest reaching out directly to cousin and telling him that it's nothing personal and nothing against him. Frankly staying in a dorm at college is a big deal. It makes you more independent and makes it far easier to socialise and make friends. Some colleges even mandate dorm living for the first year for this reason.
OP responded:
I forgot to add that I did contact him last week to tell him that it’s not personal and he’s more than welcome to visit if he decides to dorm. He hasn’t replied to my text and I didn’t think he would bc we’re not really that close.
somewhat-sane-in-NYC responded:
If he won't reply to your text, what makes ANYONE think that he would make a good roommate?
StonewallBrigade21 wrote:
Your aunt and the people calling you selfish are 100% AHs. You are 100% NTA. Your aunt and relatives are bonkers.
"My uncle texted me saying that I'm ruining his son's life."
That's insane. Stay far away from all of these people as much as possible. Tell them "NO" and cut contact. Be strong.
OP responded:
I was thinking about cutting contact but I want to resolve this like adults so we don’t have to go there. I have no idea if I ever will be able to talk it out with them though.
Elgato6666 wrote:
I am extremely curious to know if this is a south Asian or Middle Eastern family because this sounds a lot like what friends of mine went through with their own families when we were in our 20s.
OP responded:
My mother and her side of my family is Brazilian, but my father is Moroccan.
Specific_Anxiety_343 wrote:
NTA. It’s hard to imagine a 17 yo would want to stay off campus with an older cousin. Sounds like his family is trying to take advantage of you to save money. Did they offer to pay half your rent?
OP responded:
They haven’t offered me anything in return for housing him.
SliceEquivalent825 wrote:
NTA but your mom started this nonsense and perpetuated it. She way overstepped your boundaries. You worked hard to get to this point in your life. I would have been angry to when your family started with the finger pointing and name calling. Your cousin can live in a dorm just like other students.
OP responded:
Tbh, I’m most disappointed with my mom but not surprised bc she’s extremely family-oriented to the point where she turns a blind eye to very concerning issues.
The next day, OP jumped on with an update.
Hi everyone, I’m here with a sort of major update.So last night I called my cousin and he picked up. We talked about the whole situation. He said that he didn’t like how I talked to his mom (my aunt) that day, which is why he avoided my text. I apologized to him for cursing at his mom. He asked me not to get mad at what he was about to tell me.
He then said that he’s not even sure if he wants to go to NYU. I immediately felt like screaming into a pillow. He didn’t want to tell his parents because he knows how much they want him to go to NYU but he wants to go to the University of Toronto. I didn’t say anything for a bit because, atp, I’m just over this whole thing.
I told him that I wouldn’t care when he decides to tell them because atp I’m going to have low contact with my family members. He must’ve told his mom because Yk what happened today at work? My mom and aunt showed up at my workplace. They didn’t get past the lobby but they were damn loud. Demanding that I talk to them. I came down to see if I could get them to leave.
My aunt accused me of manipulating my cousin so he wouldn’t go to NYU. It was honestly the most embarrassing 10 minutes of my life. The guard, thankfully, ushered them out of the lobby. But my manager called me to talk to her in her office and she wasn’t happy with the whole situation. She asked if this would happen again and I told her what I honestly thought “I hope not”.
I made a gc with my mom, aunt, and everyone else who sided with them and texted them “It’s one thing to go after my moral character, but I can never forgive you for embarrassing me in front of my coworkers and in my workplace. You’re never allowed to come near my apartment or else I will call the c*ps on you.” I blocked them all.
Tomorrow I’m going to see talk to my landlord to switch out the locks and get a new key. I want to thank everyone for their comments and advice, I really do appreciate all the comments. Gn and I hope nobody has to go through this.
The internet was fully on OP's side.
matchamagpie wrote:
I love it when entitled folks have the audacity to volunteer other people's time, property, or resources. With how overbearing mom and aunt are, I'm not surprised that the cousin was too scared to tell his parents about how he doesn't want to go to NYU.
College_Prestige wrote:
Makes you really wonder why the cousin wants to go to Toronto huh.
aruacariar2024 wrote:
If the mum and aunt can just show up at OP's work, they must live pretty close, so they can just house the cousin?
yepyep_nopenope wrote:
I need a favor from someone. What should I do....? Oh! I know! I'll go yell at them at work. That'll really make them want to help me! Genius!
Hopefully, OP is able to keep the family far away from her workplace in the future.