'AITA for refusing to let my mother-in-law feed my baby?'
"AITA for refusing to let my MIL feed my baby?"
I have a 5mo daughter. My MIL has been here easily 30+ times and the ONLY thing she wants to "help" with is either changing my daughters diaper or bottle feeding her. We won't let her change our daughters diaper because the one time she did (we didn't give her permission), she spent way too much time doing so. It really creeped me out. It doesn't take 10 minutes to wipe a baby.
It bothered me on a very deep level. My husband was even uncomfortable. So we made a rule. No one changed our daughter but us. But the bottle issue...I strictly breastfeed. I have a pump. I do not use it. I have no reason to use it. She doesn't need to bottle feed my baby but it really gets her irritated that I refuse.
So she came here yesterday afternoon. Just showed up. No call ahead, nothing. Said she was "in the area". I was making dinner. She asks "what are WE having?" I tell her "I only made enough for us so I'm assuming you are eating whatever is at your place" (because I'm tired of going without my portion because she shows up and eats without even checking if I've eaten or eating my portions out of the fridge because she "didn't know it was mine").
She says "wow, okay" and walks off. Says to my husband "guess there's not enough to feed me", in a passive aggressive tone. Well, my daughter had been fussing for a good 5 minutes at this point and my husband was trying to soothe her while I finished up dinner (we alternate nights). My MIL says "here, I will take the baby while you finish dinner.
Claire can go pump real quick so I can get the baby settled." I'm so tired of this argument with her so I the heat of the moment and being pissed she was here anyways, I slammed the spatula on the counter and said "you're not feeding my kid. I'm not pumping for you. Bring it up one more time and I will be going no contact and you'll have very little to do with your granddaughters life at all."
I then take the baby, pass the spatula to my husband and walk in to the back room and lock myself away. I could hear her arguing with my husband in the kitchen and then a door slam.
Well, my husband came to the bedroom, knocked and said "I kicked her out" and then I hear his footsteps walking away. I come out and he's angrily finishing dinner so I just don't say anything. Well, he turns and says "I will have you know that I'm f'n done with this BS.
I don't want her changing the baby but feeding her? Holy f**k, you two act like damn children and I'm sick of being in the middle of it. Is it really that much of a f'n problem to pump so she can feed her one single time so I don't have to f'n hear it?"
He then aggressively slams my plate down in front of me and storms off to his office and slams the door. He has since apologized and said he's just done with it and says he's going no contact with his mother but his whole attitude has changed. He's distant now. AITA?
EDIT:
10 minutes was an exaggeration. it was like 3 minutes and I stepped in because my husband wouldn't. He just told her "it doesn't take that long to change a baby, she's good" and she responded with "can never be too thorough, we don't want yeast infections," so I stepped in and took my kid.
She waited until my husband was helping me out of the shower to do it too so I wasn't even right there to put an end to it. I walked out as she was changing her. And NO, I don't plan to pump unless I need to. I currently do not need to. I work from home, so does my husband.
When there comes a reason for me to pump, I will. Her wanting to bottle feed my baby isn't reason enough for me. For everyone going off about the diaper issue: no, I'm not calling her a pedophile. No I'm not claiming sexual abuse.
I'm saying she was making me uncomfortable and didn't need to take that damn long. One half of a babies vagina doesn't take 15 diaper wipes to clean. ESPECIALLY when the baby didn't even poop. She was making me uncomfortable so she won't be doing it again, period.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
TarzanKitty said:
New rule. MIL does not come into your home unless she is invited to visit. Inviting herself doesn’t count.
No_Row3404 said:
NTA: from reading your other comments with context your MIL is out of line. I honestly thought she was out of line asking you to pump in the original story. Your MIL has an issue with boundaries with your child and your rules and continuously ignores you. Your husband is caught in the middle, but it does sound like it is best for now that your MIL is kept away.
RNGinx3 said:
NTA. "Good, because I'm done with this BS too. Your mother grossly oversteps boundaries, invites herself over without warning or invitation, eats my portion of the food, not yours, creeped us both out when she changed our daughter, constantly badgers me about pumping when she has repeatedly been told no, and still, you refuse to stand up to her and make me do it!
So since I'm in charge of dealing with your mother, there is a new rule: MIL is no longer allowed to just show up, or have a key to this place. If she is told no, she needs to respect it. If she can't, she will be put in time out until she can show that the behavior is changing and she can respect our rules.
WE are the parents. It takes longer to pump than to breastfeed, is painful, and can lead to thrush if not properly disinfected. If you wanted me to pump so you could feed her and bond with her that's one thing, but I'm not doing it for your mother when it is just quicker, easier, and less frustrating for our daughter to just feed her myself.
When they're your breasts, you get to decide. I'm done being disrespected in my own home. I agree with your decision to go NC with her and think it is a wise one."
JauntyCabalst said:
NTA. Forcing you to pump so she can feed the baby is unbelivable. Your hubby's reaction and dismissive attitude is really disappointing as well.
TarzanKitty said:
NTA. Tell your husband that if it is so important to him that his mommy feeds your child. He can pump the milk out of his own breasts. Pumping is a pain in the ass. (and boobs) I would never do it to entertain an adult.
That is something you do when necessary to nourish your child. Plus, they are both idiots. Your baby is starving so you should let her starve for a half hour, while you pump, so mommy can feel super important? How is that the best choice for the child?
NeverSeenAuthBut said:
NTA! It’s much quicker to breastfeed than pump...why didn’t she offer to finish making dinner so you could feed the baby? if she wanted to actually be helpful…She sounds odd, is there anything else you could offer her that she could do to be more involved with the baby that you could be comfortable with?
Like she can read to the baby or like have tummy time with her. i guess she wants to feed her because of the bonding but there are other ways to bond. she seems like kind of a pain. I hope you and your husband can work things out!