'AITA for refusing to make amends with my sister while she's still in contact with my ex-husband?'

"AITA for refusing to make amends with my sister?"

A little background: I’m the youngest of 4 kids. Elizabeth (45), Mary and John (twins 43), and myself (40f). Not to be dramatic, but I’ve always been the black sheep of the family: my dad told my mom to abort me when she found out she was pregnant with me, and I’ve been treated differently.

For example, my dad refused to come to my high school graduation because he’d booked a vacation he refused to reschedule, even though I begged him to come. I always felt different in the family, and was definitely the one to act out and behave wildly.

In my mid-30s, I started to mature: did some traveling, gained some life experiences, and spent a lot of time in therapy that helped me start to settle. I went back to school, got a degree and began a career instead of a job.

I was really proud of myself and how much I had grown. I still wasn’t close with my siblings, but that’s also on me since I was learning to be independent and didn’t reach out much to my family. They knew I’d do whatever I could to be there for them, but we didn’t actively seek each other out to do things. My sisters hang out together, but I wasn’t invited unless I asked to come along.

I met and married a man, Zach (45m), and for a while things were fine. I started to get closer to my sister, Mary, and her and her husband would spend time with my husband and I. Mary’s marriage wasn’t the best, but I knew it wasn’t my place to give her my opinion, so I stayed out of it and just listened and supported her when she would complain.

In time, Zach and I were spending a lot of our free time with Mary and her husband. I kept my marriage issues to myself. My mother has a tendency to exaggerate problems and share issues with the rest of the family, and after a situation where she shared something personal with my siblings, I made the decision that any issues with Zach would NOT be shared with anyone in the family.

As far as they were concerned, my marriage was just fine. Except it wasn’t. I was deeply unhappy and Zach and I weren’t able to work through our issues. He thought I was cheating on him (I wasn’t), and I realized that I couldn’t stay with someone who didn’t trust me (this isn’t the only reason we divorced: this was the last straw in many years of unhappiness and I couldn’t take it anymore).

The day before I asked for a divorce, I called my eldest sister, Elizabeth, and told her what was going to happen. I asked if I could come see her after the conversation to give some space and have time to decompress. Elizabeth was very supportive and said she was happy to have me over.

I asked her not to tell anyone since I knew how close Mary was to Zach, and I didn’t want him to hear it from anyone except me. I felt he deserved to hear it directly from me since this is the adult thing to do. Elizabeth kept silent.

After I asked for the divorce, I knew Zach would run to Mary and her husband and spin some sort of story. I called Mary and explained in a very calm manner what was going on so she could hear it from me. She said she was sorry to hear this, but said she was there to support me if I needed her.

As predicted, Zach spun a story and told them I was cheating on him. To solidify Mary and her husband would stay on his side, Zach told Mary that I had said some very negative things about her, and she believed it. Mary called our mother and told her Zach’s side of the story as well as the negative things I said, and her and my step-dad also believed him.

My brother, John, is Mary’s fraternal twin, so he just goes along with whatever Mary says. Eventually, I’m completely ostracized from the family, to go through my divorce alone.

I was devastated. I had no idea what I had done to deserve this silence from my family because no one was talking to me. When my mom finally listened to what I had to say, she began crying and apologizing to me for not believing me. Zach’s facade had started to crack, and my mom started seeing the things I was talking about regarding Zach’s behavior.

She told me that Zach had told Mary I had said negative things about her, but my mom wouldn’t tell me what was said. She felt it needed to come from Mary to repair our relationship. She encouraged both Mary and myself to reach out to each other to talk things over.

Here’s where I may be the a$$hole: I refused. In my mind, I feel that if Mary feels that I said something to hurt her, she needs to let me know. I’m angry that my family abandoned me during a major life event like a divorce. I know that my behavior as a young adult was wild and unhinged, but I had proven for almost a decade that I had grown up. But you think so little of my character?

Okay, I’m good to not beg you to listen if you’ve already passed judgment on me. With a lot of therapy and distance (I now live on the other side of the country), I’m starting to find some peace with the whole situation. However, my mom will occasionally ask me to reach out to Mary and talk to her.

I told her that as long as she and her husband are still friends with Zach, I will have nothing to do with them because I don’t trust them. I have learned to set my own boundaries, and feel that if I open a line of communication with them while Zach is still around that they’ll tell Zach about my life:

Zach had broken into my social media and was keeping tabs on me without my knowledge for a while, so I do everything I can to keep anyone out who may potentially share information with him (I know this is fact because Zach boasted to my mom and step-dad that he knew everything I was doing because he was in my social media).

I also won’t speak to Mary and her husband because they still call me names and keep trying to manipulate my mom and step-dad to stop talking to me again. They think I’m promiscuous and “cheating” on Zach. I feel like I’m doing the right thing by keeping this boundary in place. But am I the @$$hole for refusing to repair my relationship with Mary while Zach is still in the picture?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

rusty0123 said:

NTA. Don't even try to talk/justify/explain things to your sister. This isn't about your sister. This is about your mom. You DO need to ask your mom why she thinks your should demean yourself to a person who calls you names and lies about you.

If she comes back with "family" or "it makes things uncomfortable," then ask why her comfort is more important than yours, or why, as a parent, she would sacrifice her child to make herself feel better.

SithLordDarthSand said:

ok, i’m going to come in with a hard truth here: your family didn’t treat you badly because you acted out - you acted out because they treated you badly. this emotional abandonment and manipulation, and the being scapegoated/other family members prioritized over you isn’t going to go away because you’ve “matured” or “grown out of it” or even “proven yourself”.

it’s not going to change how they treat you. you’re still seeing that same behavior towards you even as a mature adult.

now: you can sit there and take it, let yourself be beaten down and manipulated and taken advantage of and made to feel small. or you can recognize that you NEVER deserved to be treated the way your family treated you growing up and is treating you now. you can set yourself free from this pain. limit contact. don’t let them have an ear or a voice in your life.

point your energy in a healthier, more fulfilling direction, to relationships that will strengthen and bolster you, letting you stand tall and shine bright. it’s up to you. this is toxic and unhealthy and isn’t going to change - and it’s not your fault. (sincerely, someone who escaped/is escaping a similar situation/family dynamic)

OP responded:

You are amazing. And your hard truth struck home. I appreciate these words so much, and I’m so grateful you’re leaving/left a situation like this. It gives me hope that things get easier on the other side.

Key-Leading-6629 said:

No nta. If anything write an email saying your hurt and that your mom keeps pushing to get you to talk to her. Tell her you never cheated and that you never talked badly about her, leave it short and sweet. Then the balls in her court and you can tell your mom you tried to keep her from bugging you about it.

Tell your mom to stop asking and explain it brings up alot of hurt feelings, set cleat boundaries. Sounds like you're doing well now you should be really proud of yourself.

And Smoke__Frog said:

Ummm, sounds like Mary doesn’t even want to be friends with you anyways, even if you reached out. So or doesn’t really matter. Right?

MCA2142 said:

I would take a break from social media. It is causing you harm, and aiding your ex husband.

And OP responded:

I didn’t mention anything about my divorce or separation from my ex until he moved out of my house, which was 3 months after the divorce was finalized. After he left is when I found out he was invading my social media accounts and keeping tabs on everything I was doing, and I immediately changed all my passwords and reset my accounts.

I had a good friend of mine who works in IT and internet security go through my computer, laptop, and tablet and ensure he no longer had access to anything, and set up more privacy settings to help give me some peace of mind. It’s definitely helped.