'AITA for refusing to mend things with my oldest sister who abandoned me when I needed her?'

"AITAH for refusing to mend things with my oldest sister?"

My sister (45yrs) and I (31F) have had no contact for the last 10 years. Our kids have had no contact either. 10 years ago, I was freshly divorced with primary custody of my two kids. Making minimum wage and barely scraping by, my sister tells me she’ll help pay for us to visit home and stay with her family in California in the summer.

For months, I pick up side jobs and flip furniture on top of working to pay for the 2 week trip. I save just enough to cover flights, time off from work and extra cash for activities. I’m excited to see her.

My parents were in and out of my life growing up. My younger siblings and I spent a lot of time being raised by our older sister, aunts, and cousins. Big sis was always my rock. This would be the first time she will meet my kids.

We have a good visit generally. My oldest son, 4yrs then, has undiagnosed autism and a bucket of trauma from living with DV while I was married to his dad. He struggles to be away from me, has night terrors, and refuses to listen to my sister. I realize that he was not ready to meet new family members.

But it’s too late, we’re there and can’t afford a hotel - it’s not in the budget. While we’re staying with her, I learn that I have an interview for a dream job in San Francisco, about 2 hours from her by train. It makes 5x what I had been making, offers real benefits/PTO, etc. but I need to stay overnight in the city, as the interview has two parts, the second part early in the morning.

I tell Big Sis - she’s thrilled for me. I ask her to babysit my kids and she agrees. I borrow some of her old corporate clothes and head to SF. During Day 1 interviews, she calls and texts me repeatedly. Thinking there was an emergency, I ask to be excused from the interview to return her call.

She tells me my son is acting like a demon, calling her names and refusing to listen. I give her tips to de-escalate the situation but she doesn’t want them. She wants me to leave San Francisco to come home. She refuses to watch him any longer. I apologize to my interview panel, ask to reschedule over zoom, and catch the next train back.

My 4yr old is locked in a bedroom when I arrive. He’s bruised from hitting his arms and head on the door trying to escape the locked room. Others in the house say he had been in there since I left - almost 6 hours and that my sister locked him in. Confront the sister - she blames me for not leaving the ab-sive relationship sooner.

Blames me for not getting sole custody. Her husband comes in the room. They tell me I need to take my kids and fly home now. I have no money to change our tickets. I spent what I had left on train tickets and lunch in the city. I was 21 with zero financial history - no credit cards, can’t even rent a car. Our flight home is in 2 days. I beg them to let us stay a little longer.

That I have no more money to get a room until our flight. They start packing our things before I can and help pile them outside. My sister apologizes and tries to hug me when we get into the Uber I cannot afford and head to Oakland Airport. My boys, 4 & 2yrs spend the next 36 hours hanging with unhoused and addicts in front of baggage check at Oakland Airport.

Our airline is able to get us on a slightly earlier flight free of charge. We huddle by an outlet to keep their iPad charged, and eat granola bars and Doritos from the vending machine. We have to move all of our luggage together, because someone had already tried to steal my diaper bag when I tried to get water from the fountain without it.

Total nightmare for me. More importantly- for my 4yr old who blamed himself for their reaction and our situation. He watches mom get s-xually propositioned, called names, etc while sitting with two very young kids in the cold at Oakland airport. We get home. I block her and her family. And start trying to heal from this and the divorce.

After many years estranged, my mother and I have an okay relationship. She’s moving in with my big sister and wants me to mend things so we can all visit together. Here’s the thing - I ended up able to reschedule the interview and it started what has turned out to be a lucrative career.

This single mom worked her way up the corporate ladder and we live well. My mom says my sister wants me to help pay for my mom’s expenses. We also have 3 other brothers, one of which (29M) lives in my guest house while he finally receives mental health care. I’ve probably spent the most time estranged from her, and am a single parent now living in one of the world’s most expensive cities.

We’ve begun short visits these past few years and they’re going well. Mom is worried that I won’t come see her anymore after she moves in with Big Sis. I’ve suggested paying her way to come visit us, or us going there and renting an airbnb somewhere cool. She’s currently not interested in these options. My mom wants me to rekindle things with big sis but my feelings are these:

They probably need money and I have it

I am still so, so angry at my sister.

I just bought a house and put my now 14yr old son with autism into a private school for ASD kiddos with crazy high intellect (ie. expensive)

if I had extra cash to through their way - no. I’ve only just begun to mend the relationship with mom. We are so not there yet.

Every time I think about how we got here, I become so angry that I cry. Both my parents left us kids so many times, I never thought my sister would do anything close to this to me and my kids.

AITA for not wanting to mend things? I read about how family estrangement is causing record breaking rates of loneliness, mental and physical health issues and poverty. But also feel like there’s no benefit and a lot of risk in my own family’s well being by bringing her back into our lives. I’ve worked so hard to give us a peaceful, normal life and am not prepared to give it up.

The internet had a lot to say in response.

Mother_Search3350 wrote:

Those people abandoned you and your kids at your lowest. They literally didn't GAF whether you and your kids lived or d--d as they threw you into the streets in a strange city with no money. They didn't GAF about the terror and trauma that your kids went through in those 36 hours at that airport.

She jeopardized your ability to get a job and make a life for yourself and your children after being in an ab-sive marriage. Why TF would you want to have people like that back in your life and your children's lives. Why TF are you even considering their 'feelings and needs' when they literally left you and your minor kids to pass away?

You have found peace for yourself and your kids. You have stability and security. Your kids are as happy and healthy as they can possibly be. Why on earth would you want to bring that chaos back into their lives. Stick to sending cards and messages on birthdays and holidays if you want to maintain contact. Protect your peace and most importantly your kids.

Gemethyst wrote:

Your mom is mouthpiecing for your sister. They're after money. Not family. Sister hears bro is living in guest house. Now mom is moving there. You have money. She's after it. As is mom. I'd go NC with both.

Head-Emotion-4598 wrote:

Tell your mom and big sister that you will consider talking to them but only AFTER they (including BIL) have all spent 36 hours living in the Oakland Airport. And they are ONLY allowed to eat what you and your kids ate. They must share one iPad and one phone, no blankets or pillows. And it MUST be in the baggage claim area. Only then will you consider anything from them!

And they have to check in with you every few hours with time stamped photos to prove they are really there. Bonus if you can somehow hire a homeless person to sit near them to make sure that they don't cheat!! NTA.

I've been through the Oakland Airport so many times and it is always cold and dirty. I'm so sorry for what you went through. I don't know if there is a good airport to get stranded in, but Oakland is NOT it!

zee_fool wrote:

I see a lot of your mom wanting you to reconcile but no mention of your sister actually wanting to mend things herself. You should not be the one reaching out to her. Your sister needs to reach out to you herself with a genuine apology first. No playing telephone and no effort from you where none is returned.

Secondly, mom not being interested in visiting you even if you're paying is a red flag for me. Your relationship is far from healed and she is only wants to see you if you are physically in your sister's house? Hard pass.

NTA. If you do end up sending money (which I wouldn't), pay any expenses yourself and never their credit card bills. They never directly touch the money themselves. See how quickly the tunes change when you cut out the middleman.