'AITA for refusing to name my baby after a friend of my husband's who passed away?' UPDATED

"AITA for refusing to name my baby after a de-d girl?"

I (25F) and my husband (27M) have a complicated history together, especially concerning his family. I met him on a blind date when we were both in college, and he asked me to be his girlfriend on our second date.Hhe's always been sweet, trying to be considerate of my feelings especially when it comes to his family.

His mother has always been against our relationship from the start, mostly due to the reasons I think I might be the AH here. He had a friend, let's call her Annie who passed away when he was a teenager. He's always been close with her, and he always insisted they were platonic.

However his mother always talked about how they were suppose to get married as adults and I was his "second choice" and he wouldn't have married me if she was alive. It's always hurt in all honesty, and I've tried as hard as I can to be accommodating for her and her grief as she cared about Annie a lot and was even friends with her mother.

Annie was a great girl, and I do wish I could have gotten to know her but it hurts being constantly compared to the woman my husband could have been with, especially since we already have a son who his mother isn't allowed to see because of her insistence that he's not her "real grandbaby" because he isn't Annie's

So this is where I think I probably overreacted and could be the AH, we found out two months ago that we were having a baby girl and we were ecstatic! I was worried he'd be one of those boy-only fathers, but he almost cried finding out we'd have a girl.

Our son is also over the moon, constantly talking to his sister and asking for her name...which has become an issue as he recently asked to name our daughter after Annie, which was upsetting especially since his mother is so hung up about them being together. we ended up arguing slightly and I'm currently staying with my son at a friend's house.

AITA or overthinking this? I just don't know what to do, his mom has been blowing up my messages (I don't even know how she got my messenger, me and him haven't spoken to her since our son's first birthday). My mama has just told me to stop arguing over it and just let him choose her name since she's his only daughter.

Any advice is appreciated I need a nonbiased opinion. My friend says that I was overreacting for leaving but I just needed time for myself, and I don't want to confront him right now. I know I can be sensitive without realizing so many input is appreciated.

Not long after posting, OP shared an update.

Minor edit: first I wanted to thank everyone who answered, sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy feeling like I do. please tell me if I missed anything, there's too many comments to sort through

—Annie passed at eighteen in an accident, and yes her and my husband's mother's were friends.

—Me and my husband met when I had recently started college, and we got married a year later. Our son is three.

—My husband always defends and stands up to his mother when it comes down to it, I know he cares about me but I worry sometimes if he'll subconsciously start believing what she says. I know I'm his wife, I'm the woman he married and has kids with but it's hard not to feel secondary sometimes.

—My husband works a lot, and at the moment I wasn't thinking straight but thinking about it I think it was a better choice to take our son as I don't want him to be left alone by himself. I won't argue if he wants to see him or wants to pick him up in his free time. I'm just not ready to speak to him at the moment.

—As for compromise, after reading through some comments I think using any name similar to Ann might be an issue. while I understand the sentiment is sweet,I don't want to feel pressured into a name that I know I'll regret.

The internet had a lot to say in response.

GapApprehensive3184 wrote:

NTA saw post that may have been hubby earlier.

Wanting to name your child with a name that has cause so much trauma in your relationship is unfair to you.

Due to his mother's behaviour his friend's name is now off the card. You daughter will also be favoured over your son because she is the memorial to Annie. This name is now toxic to your marriage the fact he let it get to the point you have had to leave your home whilst pregnant is not right.

You can get by it but he needs to understand that he could damage the relationship between you and your daughter before she is born, cause resentment with her brother because she is favourite, cause trauma for you every time her name is mentioned. Good luck.

OP responded:

While the name is pretty, the association is the issue. It might be cruel to say but I truly didn't know her, and while it's lovely he wants to honor her I don't want that to be at the expense of our child especially since the name is shrouded in so much issues.

Grouchywhennhungry wrote:

NTA. His mum won't accept her grandson??? That's a no contact right there. How has your husband dealt with that because if my mother did that I'd go scorched earth. Do not name your baby Annie, or Anna or anything remotely linked to that now. The link with Annie is clearly toxic for your family and it needs to be shut down.

Although from what you said about her she'd be fuming about the way his mum is behaving. You husband needs get on board with Annie not being a name option and he needs to sort his mother out or cut her out.

Sirensongstress11 wrote:

NTA I think your MIL is awful and must get over herself. Similarly your husband knows his mother has been comparing you to Annie. It’s been many years and clearly they weren’t meant to be because she’s not here anymore. I also don’t think you’re wrong for wanting a bit of space. Him asking you to name your child after Annie validates all your worst thoughts and that’s scary and awful.

I think you need to have a honest conversation with your hubby and tell him how you feel and take it from there. You shouldn’t have to name your baby something you don’t wanna name it. You’re the one who’s literally sacrificing their body and putting their life at risk to bring life in this world. You should have more say on the name IMO.

Batlas87 wrote:

NTA OP. Your husband just asked to name your baby after a person who you have been compared to for your whole relationship. He either is an idiot and didn’t think any of this through or just doesn’t care. Either way I would seriously consider talking to him about it to figure out what exactly is wrong.

Nanabanafofana wrote:

NTA. This would be my hill to die on. Your husband is wrong. Your mother-in-law is awful. Do not let this happen. Make sure he doesn’t get to fill out the birth certificate. I cannot fathom the gross insensitivity of this request and your mother-in-law‘s behavior. You need to have a discussion with your husband. Explain your reasons thoroughly and completely. If he still insists, you’ve got a bigger problem.

OP responded:

I don't think he'd do that without my consent, he isn't that type of man but I'll try to make sure he doesn't. Thank you.

Mystickpisa wrote:

NTA I'm frankly amazed you've managed to sustain a relationship with his mother of any kind given her behaviour, and the idea that this girl's name would now become a part of your family forever is horrifying.

I judge your husband to be utterly tone deaf and insensitive to how this might make you feel. Annie is dead. She can live in their memories but you are his living wife, and this is the daughter you two have made together, not a means to remember someone else.

1962Michael wrote:

NTA. Baby names are always a mutual decision by both parents. To me his obsession with this person is unhealthy, and if your daughter becomes her namesake then she will be the "golden child" for sure and your son will suffer for it. But it is up to you whether to compromise on this for the sake of your marriage or not. Other family members need to butt out.