Man refuses to finacially support estranged wife's 'midlife crisis' while he works 3 jobs. AITA?
"AITA for refusing to pay my wife while we are separated?"
For context, my wife went through some trauma and has not been using appropriate coping skills or seeking help. Instead, she is going through a complete midlife crisis of sorts, including leaving me rather unexpectedly. We are in counseling, but as of now she cannot commit to anything other than a walk once a week. We barely speak.
More context: I work THREE JOBS. The original plan was to stack and stack to go travel and possibly foster children eventually. She works one job. I pay all of her and my bills with the exception of her cell phone bill and 1/4 of the car payment.
I was feeling quite resentful, because she had been ignoring all of my messages for about a week. I saw that she was ordering food through a delivery service, so I changed my password.
I saw she was also attempting to buy groceries on a similar app, so I took her off all of them. She then asked me for $150 a week for expenses. I've paid it for about a month, and I'm sick of it.
We had talked about going to Greece as a couple. Now, she can't even commit to more than one walk a week with me and maybe three messages a day. No plan to get back together any time soon. She says she's enjoying aspects of being single.
So I'm PISSED. I want to go to Greece by myself to reap the benefits of my hard labor. I stopped paying her. My counselor told me that stopping payment is akin to abuse. But I think that working 3 jobs and sacrificing my mental and physical health so my estranged wife can do god knows what on my dime is also abuse.
I'm standing my ground and not paying her weekly. AITAH? Since I pay all of her other bills this seems quite reasonable. I'm not going to stop paying her bills (except maybe her gym membership.. that's not essential). AITA??
EDIT: The trauma was her grandfather dying (she was close to him) then about a year later her dad died. Neither deaths were unexpected- grandpa was 91 and dad had been battling lung cancer while continuing to smoke for about 4 years.
It was traumatic because she was very close to both of them and when her dad died it was in the midst of covid so she wasn't able to say a real goodbye. Grandpa died 3 years ago, dad died 2 years ago.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Your therapist fucking sucks. Get a new one. But OP, it sounds like your marriage is over and it might be worth lawyering up and separating legally if she has zero intention of working it out. NTA.
The therapist is full of bs. Not giving away your money is abuse?
OP get rid of that therapist immediately.
I would call a lawyer, hire said lawyer, and file for divorce. Your lawyer will handle everything including any obligated payments- if any. Stop communicating with her effectively now.
He needs to quit at least one of those jobs. The higher income would make his alimony payments higher forever. So he’ll have to keep working three jobs to pay for it.
NTA, you are separated and do not have children. She’s not your responsibility anymore. If she is enjoying being single then she should get the full experience. Bills and all. I feel like she’s stringing you along so she can be single and have her bills paid.
Dump your therapist. Dump the wife, I’m sorry that sounds harsh..but if your post is true those should be your next steps. She has a job and if she wants to play single lady, single ladies pay their own way. Enjoy Greece it’s beautiful. NTA.
Yeah, I honestly liked the therapist until she said that. I was pretty stunned. I've never considered myself to be abusive. An AH occasionally, sure. Abusive? Never. I've done nothing but support her and provide for her and encourage all of her passions.
NTA. Drop your counselor immediately and report them to their regulatory body. Unless they're unregulated where you are, which would explain a lot.
As a therapist, that is BS. She left you and is living single, stop funding it. Find a new therapist, go on a trip, and probably file for divorce. She says she's single, make her single. You don't have kids, so why are you paying for her to enjoy being single?
What is the end goal here? Pay for an estranged wifes bills forever? If the relationship can’t be repaired why stay together on paper? If there’s a prenup I would cut your losses and move on.
They are taking advantage of you and your therapist is giving stupid advice. Taking care of yourself is not abusing your estranged spouse. She’s more than capable of taking care of herself.
SSDGREDRUMED (OP)
Ideally, I'd like to work it out. But this is definitely a side of her I've not seen and it's making me less thrilled to do so.
I honestly don’t see coming back from this. You’ll always wonder if the next day is the day she walks out again. How much of the stuff is jointly owned? Don’t mess up your credit by not paying. But at this point I’d say get a lawyer and start that process. It can always be stopped if decided. But better to get things going. And get a new therapist.
NTA. You're already covering almost all her expenses while she’s choosing to live separately and barely engaging with you. You’re not responsible for funding her single life while working three jobs. If she wants financial support, she should have a conversation about it instead of just expecting it. Going to Greece alone sounds like a well-earned break.