'AITA for refusing to share my dinner with my SIL's two children? My BF wants me to apologize.'
"AITA for refusing to share my dinner with two children?"
My (F29) boyfriend Albert (M35) and I had a great relationship until his family moved closer to us. I haven't seen a more toxic or entangled family connection. It seems like every ex and their mother is an enemy, every ex boss had it out for them, every friend should help out more and more, everyone should take their verbal ab-se.
After a few run-ins, I cut MIL off. His sister ( F37) is in the habit of showing up at dinner time. She has 2 kids ( 7f, 9M) that she always brings along. I didn't mind sharing a meal, but I hated her dropping by without a warning.
Albert never took action, and this created problems. SIL has an unbearable parenting style. They are good kids, but she over indulges them and lets too many things slide as “they are just kids”. So they interject in adult conversations, have crying fits when told “no” and are prone to grabbing/ touching/taking objects without permission.
So they took things around the house (cupboard items, small sculptures, my stash of hotel toiletries, my hair extensions) “to play with” and had me going crazy trying to find them later. Fast forward and her son, who has anxiety, had a small crisis from opening our kitchen drawer and grabbing some pop its/party snaps.
Some fell and popped real loud and he cried because he was embarrassed. I did not offer comfort because that would be indulging his snoopy behavior. So I stayed quiet and asked Albert to talk to his sister, which I'm sure he didn't. I'm not happy in my relationship.
I don't have privacy. His sister keeps showing up despite being told (by myself) that she can't keep showing up uninvited. I'm sick of having to hide things that I think her kids could get their hands on. I recently put a lock on my home office door because I suspect that SIL has been using my copy machine while I'm out. I work both at home and at 2 client sites and have been getting home after 8 pm.
I'm sick of being tense and dreading her visits because he lets her eat through our groceries like she has a right to do it. He has called me selfish and greedy. I thought he would be more considerate now that they gave him less hours at work and his pay cut has caused me to pay for most of our bills. SIL is a nail technician and a hair stylist.
She was also a teacher at a beauty academy until she had her kids. Now she won't do anything but badmouth her ex and complain about how hard life is. She has a place to live, with access to food and her own car. I'm thinking that she may be doing this on purpose. Last Friday, Albert went bowling with friends. I told him that I wanted a very quiet evening and didn't want to be bothered.
I got home at around 7PM, and sat down to eat my seafood boil. SIL showed up, asking for her daughter's backpack that she left behind. I was annoyed. I tried to rush to get it but her son saw the crab legs and started insisting. I said I was sorry, but that's my dinner. So he starts crying, stomping and repeatedly asking his mom for my food. I said I was sorry and quickly showed them out.
To my aggravation, they didn't leave immediately. He cried outside for about 5 minutes while SIL sat inside her car trying to convince him to get in. I pulled down the shutters and tried to ignore them. When Albert got back, his face had a bitter expression. He said that he was extremely disgusted about the way that I treated his family. He has stopped talking to me.
It's been a few days and I'm still getting the silent treatment. I've cried a few times, especially because he's been texting me despite us being physically next to each other. SIL showed up yesterday, but he wasn't home yet so I didn't let her in. I'm angry and defeated and I'm coming to the conclusion that I need to end the relationship because he texted me that I need to apologize to SIL.
I didn't want things to end between us but I feel like they are trying to walk all over me. This is so surreal. We had planned on a cozy Xmas together months ago when things were good. I'm not trying to ruin his life. Right now, his finances are not great and my salary makes a huge difference. I just don't want to be made to feel like his family can get away with what they're doing and I hold resentment.
I texted him about how I feel, and how incredibly selfish he is to be comfortable giving to his sister with what my hard work can buy but can't think to respect my boundaries. AITA if I leave? I feel like somehow I'm the failure for not being willing fight for our relationship.
The internet had a lot to say in response.
WanderingGnostic wrote:
NTA. Run far, run fast. It will never get better. They've shown you who they are and where you stand with them. There's no salvaging this.
Amunekat wrote:
NTA...but you better lock down your contraceptives while you plan your exit from this dumpster fire of a relationship. Gurl why are you with this man? He prioritizes his family more than you and puts you down in your own house?
OP responded:
I hadn't thought about the possibility of baby trapping. Thanks.
Awkward-Tourist979 wrote:
You have all the power in this relationship. Tell him you’re already financially supporting him - you are not prepared to feed his sister and her poorly behaved children. Either he deals with this now or he can move out now. Tell him you aren’t prepared to discuss this any further. He needs to have a think about his behaviour and his sister’s behaviour and make a decision to leave or stay.
If he chooses to stay - he must see his sister over at her house. There will be no more drop ins where you haven’t issued an invitation. Tell her he can give his answer tomorrow and then start moving out his things if that is the way he wants to go.
tigerofjiandong1337 wrote:
NTA He is not your partner. If my sil showed up unannounced unless it was an emergency i would chew her out. If she did a second time i wouldn't even answer the door. She causes a scene, she talks to the police. Course i wouldn't have your problem because if my nieces and nephew acted like yours, my wife would tell her sister they are not welcome in our house.
What relationship is there to fight for? You can do better. I am extremely disgusted by how he treats you. Kick him out, he doesn't bring anything to the table. He is living off your dime, has no respect for your feelings or boundaries. He can go live with her.
LoomingDisaster wrote:
You're not just supporting this guy, you're supporting his sister and her kids. There is no reason for either of you to tolerate this behavior from her, and it should have been cut off immediately. Not only wasn't it cut off, he's insisting that his sister and her kids have access to everything you own, including the food you are literally eating. Get out. This will only get worse.