'AITA for refusing to share my inheritance with my father's new children?' 'He left my dad $50.'
"AITA for refusing to share my inheritance with my father's new children?"
My father is an only child. My grandmother and grandfather were kind of disappointed with how he chose to live his life after high school. He wasted a bunch of his time and their money pursuing courses of study he didn't have any real interest in. They made sure he graduated debt free and then left him to his own devices.
When he married my mom they helped pay for the wedding and gave them the downpayment for their home. My mom and dad then spent the next twenty years goofing off. When I was born I was pretty much given to my grandparents to raise.
My maternal grandparents helped as much as they could but they are back in Argentina. So I was basically raised as my dad's little brother, not as his kid. My grandparents came to my parent teacher meetings. They attended my sporting events. They were my parents. My biological mother passed away when I was 12. I found out weeks later since my dad didn't bother telling anyone.
When I was 25 my grandparents got taken within two months of each other. My grandfather went last and in his will he left my dad $50. He left the ASPCA $50,000. I got the rest. They had already paid for my education. I thanked them and was planning on paying them back once my career got going. Now I have a huge old house and a rather nice nest egg. I'm 35 and my fiancee and I are about to start our family.
My dad calls me out of the blue and says he has remarried, news to me, and that his wife is expecting. I congratulate him, not knowing what else to do. He said that obviously my grandparents would want their grandchildren to share equally in their estate. He said I need to talk to the lawyers and see about setting up a trust fund for this new kid and any future kids.
I said that I was not splitting my inheritance and that it was his job as a parent to provide for his children. He tried saying that his parents hadn't provided for him. I asked him about his debt from seven years of university. I asked about the money for his wedding. I asked about his mortgage. I asked him if he could please provide me with information about how much he paid towards my education. How much he helped me when I bought my first home. What he gave me towards my wedding. (For the record he got us a sweet stand mixer).
He said that he didn't have the kind of money his parents had. I asked him how much he earned at his job. He said that he "worked to live, not lived to work." That was something he always said to my grandfather. It really hit home with me. He has spent his entire life on easy mode. I told him that if he is a competent father and his new kids finish high school I will help them get an education.
He said he needs money now. I asked why my unborn half sibling needed money. It turns out my dad hasn't been paying his taxes. I offered to buy his house and rent it back to him. He said I was being an ahole like his dad and trying to control him with money. My wife is with me but she thinks I was harsh. And that his kid deserves a leg up.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Sweet-Interview5620 said:
NTA but you're opening yourself up to so much hassle and financial problems by offer ending to buy and then rent a home to him. He will constantly make demands and as he expects a free ride from you he will never pay a penny in rent. It will be costly and he will make sure it’s a drawn out process to evict him and you will probably have to sink many thousands to repair the damage he leaves the property in.
You owe this child nothing and as long as you don’t say no he will keep coming back and trying to find ways to take and to abuse you. Why would you open yourself up to that. Honestly cut him off and watch from afar. When the kids near the end of school have an investigator find out about him and his scores. Then decide if you will pay for further education or if it would be throwing money away. That’s more than your father is ever entitled to and you’d be doing it for the kid.
Regardless don’t be a mug and open yourself up for nothing but hassle and disrespect. If he is going to lose his home and if he needs money for his child then he needs to work to provide it. If you are in the background he will never feel he has no choice but to step up.
He will only ever see you as his get out of jail free card not his family or as a relative. He is also not the only parent to this kid and this is their responsibility alone. Remember he already lied to you and called saying the money was to set up his son‘s future when it was so he didn’t have to pay money he owed others.
Even if you decided to help his son later on for education. Even if you decided to throw money in the fire by giving some to your dad. PLEASE PLEASE NEVER LET HIM LIVE IN ANY PROPERTY OF YOURS. EVEN IF ITS FOR A DAY. HE WILL REFUSE TO LEAVE AND CAUSE NOTHING BUT STRESS AND LOTS OF MONEY. I’ve seen people make this mistake before. It took many many thousands of unpaid rent money for court. Getting threats from the family and their friends and family. Lots of hate.
Then bailing had to be paid for a bought in with a police escort to remove them. He had locksmiths on stand by to change the locks but it turned out they needed new doors throughout and many window. A whole new kitchen and Bathroom. Dog crap and dirty nappies left to rot strewn everywhere. It took tens of thousand to fix the house even had to buy a new boiler. The person had deliberately killed it in as an act of revenge when he realized he’d have to leave.
Even the garden cost thousands to get the junk removed and wilderness cut back and cleaned up. This home had sentimental memories to my friend and this ruined it completely. He never intended to sell it ever yet he did straight after it was fixed enough as this broke him mentally.
Oh and parts of his extended family still bombarded him for evicting family like that. It’s not worth it no matter if you have the money to repair and waste all that. It’s about the stress, manipulation and hate he will bring into your life.
johnny9k said:
NTA - OP, you need to cut contact. Get yourself an estate attorney if you don't already have one and let them know what is going on. From then on, any and ALL communication goes through your lawyer.
Your father is a mooch. He mooched off your grandparents until they had their fill. If they wanted money left for future grandkids, they would have given it to your father. If you give ANY of your inheritance to him, you are disrespecting their wishes. Invest that money wisely and if you're still in a good position 18 years from now, you can help your half-sibling out directly.
Pleasant_Test_6088 said:
NTA. I do agree with your wife that the new child deserves a leg-up (as does every child) but the child won't receive that if you give $ to your father. Your dad will simply create another mess and then another one after that and expect you to be his safety net through all of it.
Your father doesn't seem to have matured at all. If he had, he would not hold fast to the '"I work to live" mantra while simultaneously holding out his hand. If you are feeling generous toward the unborn child, you might consider setting up a trust so that, in the future, there will be money for education but until that time comes, you have control of the $. I wish you well.
missdeb99912 said:
NTA. First, your dad shouldn’t be asking you for money … he got what he got, and you got what you got. Sounds like there’s a reason your grandfather didn’t leave him anything. Secondly, not only did you offer to cover the kids education, you ALSO offered to pay for his house.
BOTH were extremely generous and thoughtful. Your dad is ungrateful and entitled and downright f’ing rude. Is he forgetting that he basically abandoned you? You can help the kiddo as he needs through life, and I’m sure you will — but handing your dad money right now won’t have much of an impact. Your dad is TOTALLY the ahole.
Dependent-Panic8473 said:
NTA. Your father "said that obviously my grandparents would want their grandchildren to share equally in their estate." Nope. They would have set up a trust if they wanted to provide for that. They did not. Your grandparents leaving your dad $50 in their will was for a reason: So he cannot contest the will. It is a deliberate, and very legal "Eff You" to your father.
GundyGalois said:
NTA There is no universe in which he is entitled to your money. Your grandparents were well aware that people can have children and that your dad might have more children later. They still gave him $50. Paying for these kids if and when they pursue college is a very generous gesture on your part, but you don't even have to do that if you don't want to. I'd tell him anytime he otherwise brings up money with you, the conversation is immediately over. You hang up the phone or walk out.