"AITA for refusing to tell my BF how much money I make?"
I 29F have been with my boyfriend (39m) for about a year and a half. We are definitely on the serious side but I have learned some lessons and like to take things slow. We will typically spend 1 or 2 nights a week together but not every weekend, for instance.
The fact that we both have pets is also a factor (I have two cats and he has a mountain dog). He isn’t a great planner either and we’ve had some huge fights over that but overall, he is a good guy and i am committed to him.
We are fairly normal and have talked about all the things people normally talk about after this time dating. Formative memories, exes, what we want out of life, etc. And we are pretty aligned on just about everything.
Early on, maybe 1 month in, he got curious about my financial situation and I said that was a boundary for me. He accepted it and moved on. But it’s come up again. And again. This is over the course of months so it’s not like he’s forcing the issue, but money discussions do arise.
We took a trip to “Hawaii” for instance. I said I think it’s reasonable to split it down the middle. But I’ll be honest, maybe it isn’t. The truth is, he makes about half of what I do.
We both have salary jobs that pay similarly but I have a couple of freelance gigs which dramatically increase my income. I came from pretty stark poverty and the idea of sharing money with a man is very difficult for me.
It came up again recently and again I said I don’t want to go there. He said he thinks it’s weird that we’ve been together this long and haven’t. He didn’t come at me or really dwell on the issue or anything, but it still makes me feel guilty or like I’m doing something wrong. AITA?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
If you’re getting to the point of talking about moving in together, or even marriage, he should have some idea of your finances. Before getting married, you both should put all of it on the table - income, assets, savings, debt, everything. Get a prenup to protect what you’re bringing in.
Don’t feel bad about keeping separate accounts for shared expenses and personal funds. Make sure you’re on the same page for retirement savings and emergency funds. It would be fair if you paid a higher proportion of shared expenses if you make more than he does, but be sure he’s not taking advantage.
Oh god, and PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don't wait until a few months before the wedding to bring up a prenup, that needs to get discussed and resolved BEFORE any dates are picked, venues reserved, etc.
Any extra money you are making should be going into savings/ a fund towards your pensions .So when you do your prenuptial contract everything you earned and owned before can be excluded..Any profit on selling your home or inheritance should remain yours...
YTA, he's willing to share equally without knowing anything and you're not willing to be honest with him. Get over yourself and be a partner or set him free.
Yeah this is a weird hangup into a year and a half relationship, I gotta be honest. If OP is having this much trouble disclosing this info due to their upbringing, therapy is a good idea to address what's going on and work through it. Unless they don't see a future with this guy of course, in which case why are you wasting his time?
It’s fine if you’re just dating. If you’re planning on getting engaged/married. You need to talk about it, especially if you move in together. You can get your money separate, but it’s important to know each other’s financial situation. Wouldn’t you want him to tell you if he made close to nothing or had a ton of debt before committing long term?
YTA. If you are 1.5 years into a committed relationship and don’t discuss money, that’s a red flag. Early on it’s a reasonable boundary. Later on, it’s a hang up. It’s important to understand what you make (ballpark), your thoughts on how you spend, any substantial debts you have, how you might split shared expenses, etc in a committed relationship. Maybe we are not financially compatible.
I would feel duped if I struggle to split things like Hawaii if you make more. It still might mean we split 50:50 or it might mean we split proportional to income if you want something I can’t swing.
As someone who will never marry again, I agree with this whole heartedly. I made more money than my ex husband and it caused a huge rift even though paychecks went into in mutual account. From MY perspective, it created a lot of insecurities on his side. Which eventually bled into our lives.
Like I couldn't tell a friend, "Come over to my house!" Without him chiming "our house". I'm not saying that he was wrong for feeling a certain way, but its real life. Finances is one of the biggest factors factors in divorce, so yeah, it matters.
You've been together a year and a half and talked about your future and you won't tell him your income? YTA, he's not asking to share it, he just wants to know, which is completely reasonable in a relationship.
I wouldn't go as far as to say YTA, but it probably would be a good idea to tell him about your finances, especially if you can potentially see yourselves becoming more serious. It signals lack of trust that you're not willing to talk to him about it.
You should think on whether that's solely your own insecurities or if his behavior has in any way hinted your financial situation would be a problem. Either way, if you're committed it would be a good idea to be open and honest with him.
So, when you needed him to pick you up from a surgery appointment and he tried to cancel last minute, you said you felt "done."
"I realized I’ve been staying vague, available, and accepting scraps because it felt easier than asking for more.
I told him I don’t want to continue like this and that this affected my ability to trust him in a serious situation. He says I’m overreacting and punishing him for a one-time mistake that is partly on me. Some friends say I trained him to treat me this way and I should try to salvage. I feel done."
The way you share both this challenge and the previous, you say it yourself: you need to communicate better, more, and ask for more support. It takes courage to ask for everything you need and want.
Have you shared with him why you don't want to share financial information? Have you shared your personal values and habits around finances, saving, investments, emergency fund, retirement?
You can share a lot of context without giving actual numbers. You can also talk about a future together and what you both want that to look like, in financial terms or any other possibilities. Dare to dream together - or - let him go.