'AITA for refusing to watch my neighbor’s kid before school?' 'She kept nagging me.' UPDATED
"AITA for refusing to watch my neighbor’s kid before school because she kept nagging me?"
I F35 am a stay at home mom with two kids “John” M10 and “Ava” F8. My neighbor “Zoe” F42 works full time and asked at the beginning of the school year if she could drop off her daughter “Sue” F9 an hour before school started twice a week. I agreed and was happy to help out a neighbor. However, things got bad pretty quickly.
My kids do not get along well with Sue and see entertaining her as a chore. Both of my kids enjoy sports, arts, and playing outside, while Sue is glued to her phone. Despite this, Sue pouts when my kids do their own thing instead of trying to engage her.
Zoe called me a few weeks into the school year to nag me for having the kids walk/bike to school, saying it was unsafe and asking me to drive Sue. I told her no–if Sue was old enough to have a phone she was old enough to walk/bike to school.
A week later, she asked me to cook real sausage for Sue in addition to veggie sausage I make for my kids (my husband and I don’t buy meat). I told her no–Sue could eat what I cook but if she wanted specific food she would have to prepare it herself.
For the first semester of school, Zoe nagged me with similar requests. Don’t play songs with explicit lyrics, don’t let multiple kids on the trampoline simultaneously, watch the kids when they’re outside, etc. When I refused, she was respectful and would be like “sorry to bother you” but she still had new requests every week.
At the end of the semester, I told her I was not going to make adjustments to our family lifestyle and inconvenience my family for the sake of her child. Sue’s safety was not at risk. If she was unsatisfied with Sue’s situation, there were plenty of other people in the neighborhood who could watch her. Zoe seemed really receptive, and I was hopeful that would be the end of her nagging.
When my kids got home on December 20th, I asked, “Are you excited for 2.5 weeks with no school?” and John responded “I’m more excited for 2.5 weeks with no Sue.” Ava nodded and giggled along. It broke my heart to know that they were more happy to get a break from Sue than school.
Just a couple of days ago, Zoe reached out to me thanking me for agreeing to watch Sue and asking if I could watch her a couple afternoons a week in addition so Zoe could have some “me” time. I told her this would no longer work–our kids did not mesh well and I didn’t want to deal with more inappropriate requests.
I thought Zoe might be mad, but instead she just begged me to watch Sue at least one morning a week. She apologized profusely and said I could parent however I wanted to. This made me feel bad because she genuinely needed my help and did not know what she would do. I told her I knew I could and that her apology was too little too late.
My husband and kids stand by my decision, but some of the other moms think I should have been more accommodating, saying I’m selfish, that moms help moms and I’ll never know when I might need help. Does my refusal to help Zoe make me an ahole?
UPDATE:
It was so validating to see that you support my actions. The moms in my neighborhood didn’t, but at least a few hundred strangers on the internet did. I want to address some common comments and hopefully provide reasoning as to why I initially agreed to help Zoe. In addition, there are some new developments I’d like to share.
First, I want to give background. This shouldn’t change the verdict, but hopefully it makes you think I’m less of a doormat. Zoe is married but her husband works in a city 2 hours away and is hardly ever home, and Zoe herself works a demanding job with weird hours.
They already pay a fortune for their nanny, so I was happy to lift some of the burden. She did not pay me. This may sound snobbish but my husband makes a lot of money, so an extra few dollars didn’t seem to be a huge deal.
Plus, one of the things I enjoy most as a stay at home mom is getting to do these things for other families (so long as they are pleasant) and having a house full of happy kids. Not to get too personal, but I grew up in poverty with alcoholic parents.
My parents struggled to put food on the table and our utilities frequently got shut off, so it was often the kindness of our neighbors that kept me fed, clothed, clean, and maybe even alive. So yeah in retrospect I shouldn’t have agreed to do so much for Zoe for free, and I have learned from my mistakes, but hopefully this can help you understand why I did it in the first place.
Now onto the story. One of the moms who is close to me “Jen” reached out asking what happened with Zoe. I thought everyone knew, but I recalled the events of the semester leading up to a couple days ago.
Jen said that’s not what she heard. Zoe had told everyone that she paid me $100 an hour and that I let the kids watch R rated shows and eat candy for breakfast and I called her a “stuck up b” when she asked me not to. She told them my kids bullied Sue so relentlessly that she came home crying every day she came to my house, and that I encouraged said bullying.
When Zoe complained about this to me, I supposedly denied it. To top it off, I demanded Zoe pay me $200 an hour or I would stop watching her “little brat.” I was horrified that Zoe was spreading this misinformation about me. I assured Jen that none of it was true, showing her receipts of my text exchanges with Zoe.
Jen told me she believed me and promised to help me set the record straight. I just don’t know what to do because none of the moms will talk to me and all of the playdates John and Ava had scheduled were cancelled. I worry because even if we can convince everyone that Zoe is a liar, people will still be suspicious of me.
My family has only lived in this town for a couple of years and Zoe’s family has lived here much much longer. I can take my reputation being tarnished, but I worry especially for my kids. I don’t want their friendships to be ruined by some girl who can’t accept my decision to not provide free childcare.