'AITA for revealing my boyfriend's real age to his college friends?'
"AITA for revealing my boyfriend's real age to his college friends?"
fedup_throwaway_ami
I am 40 and my boyfriend is turning 40 too very soon. We have been a couple for almost a decade now, living together since right before covid. When the pandemic hit, he lost his job and I kept us afloat with my own salary while he tried to get by, until he decided to go back to college because he never got any degree after high school.
We discussed it, I was ok with him not working in order to support his studies. At first he really struggled with focusing and concentrating and almost gave up but I noticed his improvements, encouraged him, and now he really is on a good track for excellent grades.
Later this year, he will get his degree and already has some good ideas about what to do after. What really has been bugging me lately is the fact that, for the past year, he has been going out with some "friends" he made at college.
Literally dudes in their early 20s, young adults, while he is twice their age. Now, he can really pass for way younger than he is (you know that sub "13 or 30"?) and I guess they took him for a late 20 something.
What initially started with "I am going out to study with them" ended up him crashing at somebody's place drunk because they partied too hard. I know he is not cheating on me.
I follow them on instagram and I see what they do. Just guys being dudes, I guess. The problem is I need him FUNCTIONING because we have stuff to do around the house and I rely on him since I am at the office all day.
We don't have kids, but you know, committments and errands like ADULTS. When I confronted him about his behavior, he defended himself saying that he never got to experience the "college life" and he just wanted to have some fun.
I was ok with it initially but as the degree is approaching they really are taking it too far. Now he is even talking about going for a vacation with them this summer. I was like "EXCUSE ME? vacation with teenagers now?
Maybe you should bring ME for supporting you during all this mess!" He said he would, but wanted to have one last shot at the college life he never had before parting ways forever with them.
Eventually I had enough and I sent a message to one of the "dudes" saying if they can please leave him alone for a while, because apparently I have to step up and be the only adult.
Besides he clearly cannot keep up with them and I am afraid this will affect his grades. He cannot go out as much as they do, he has responsibilities being ALMOST 40 and stuff.
Well, they distanced from him ever since. He was enraged when he found out and I said I would have preferred if he did it himself, but apparently he was so enthralled by the college life that, for a moment, I really thought he dillusionally convinced himself that he was in his 20s again. He stopped speaking to me, and said he wants to focus on his final exams.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Signal_Permit_8940
This is tricky because your boyfriend shouldn’t have lied about his age, but I personally think you messaging his college friends makes YTA. Mostly because you don’t say what is slipping through the cracks because of his hanging out with them. It sounds more like you’re jealous that he is having fun without you. I don’t mean anything over the top by saying jealous, I just can’t think of a better word for it.
I went back to college as a 23 year old and felt like I was ancient. My first day back someone asked me if I was a teacher. It embarrassed me because most people my age were either graduated or about to. So I can kind of understand why he wasn’t up front with them.
loverlyone
Oof yeah, you’re not his mom. That was really controlling and inappropriate.
YTA
brugforhjaelp
She's not his mom she's just paying for his rent, his food and his college? 🤣🤣🤣
TerriblePabz
Yeah her reaching out to his friends in this way and the way she said it was a huge red flag for me. For claiming to be all about being ADULTS she really pulled a highschooler move with this.
While I don't condone people in relationships not talking after a fight or disagreement, I will say I understand where the guy is at with not wanting to talk to her for awhile and focusing on his studies.
Personally I will be surprised if they stay in a relationship after he goes back to work. What's the plan when he gets a new job and makes friends with some guys there that are in their 20s and invite him out? Is she going to step into his relationships there as well when she is unhappy about something?
lilies117
ESH Telling his friends to distance themselves from him was pretty petty and controlling. Acting like a 20 year old out partying with the guys and going on vacation with them was pretty immature, irresponsible, and disrespectful to the wife who is covering all the bills so he can play instead of focus on school. Did those guys even know he was married?
TheSciFiGuy80
YTA. Going behind his back and doing that. Your mission was to destroy his friendship with these people. That wasn’t going solve the problem. And now you are surprised he is mad and not talking to you? Shocker.
SgtMartinRiggs
YTA - if you had children he was pushing aside, sure, go nuclear. But as-is I think messaging the friend was absolutely nuts. It’s great that you supported him this whole time, and maybe he’s an jerk for not being more grateful and regressing so hard. But there’s also no way he knew your love and support was this conditional with the threat of destroying his social life.