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'AITA for "stealing attention" at my future SIL's wedding by bringing my BF (I'm gay)?' BIG UPDATE

'AITA for "stealing attention" at my future SIL's wedding by bringing my BF (I'm gay)?' BIG UPDATE

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"AITA for ruining my future SIL's wedding-to-be?"

So I (M30) have been with my bf (M34) for 2 years. My mother is very homphobic and basically cut me out when she found out I was bi back when I first finished college. All my life she would try to control me. She would try to control what I wear, who I hang out with only to fit her definition of the perfect son.

For example,I like to knit and she would throw away all my knitting acessories because it wasn't a hobby for "boys". I always told her its her own goddam fault for sending to an all boy school and that I had eyes 👀👀

My siblings have always been supportive and we're very close. My older brother is getting married to his gf of 5 years and they will get married in July 2022. His fiancee is awesome, but her family is also very homophobic. Her mother and mine get along very well, and do many activities together. I have gone LC with my mother over the years.

I love my brothers fiancé, but she has a tendancy of trying to please everyone around her... which means that when I got my invitation for the wedding, lo and behold, I was the only one with no +1.

At first I thought it was a mistake, so I contacted his fiancé (since I knew she was the one taking care of the guest list and the RSVP) and she told me that they had to cut down the number of invitations, but I checked with my siblings and all of them got a +1. This really upset me and my bf, since he is very close to my brother (they went to uni together).

I contacted my brother who of course had no idea that I didn't have a +1 and told me he'd take care of it. I then recieved a bunch of text messages from my SIL berating me for talking to my brother and that I should have just taken the one invitation. She told me she did this to prevent any problems with me and her side of the family, and my mother.

She also told me that she didn't want me and my bf to be the center of attention at her own wedding. She told me that she'll give me the +1 but that I'll be ruining her wedding. I've talked to friends and my siblings and they're mostly on my side... but some have told me that it's her wedding and that she has the right to invite who she wants.

I think I might be the a$$h@le because my mother's subtle homophobic remarks don't affect me anymore but I don't think it'll be fair to let my bf be subject to them and her family's homophobia, and that it is indeed her own wedding.

Edit: I haven't shown my brother the texts yet. My bf and him are supposed to have a gaming night in a couple days. My bf and I discussed what we should do and we'll talk to him then. I think you're right, and that I should show him her texts.

What do you think? AITA? What do you think he should do? This is what top commenters had to say:

said:

NTA. Also, I probably wouldn't go at this point. And let them know why.

said:

NTA. It’s your brother’s wedding too and he can invite who he wants.

[deleted] said:

NTA. Op, please show your brother the texts she's sent. He sounds like a very caring person, who loves his little brother and his bf. I dont think he would want to marry someone who would treat you like this. Happy holidays, and I hope you and your bf have a good, drama free time.

[deleted] said:

NTA, However, if taking your boyfriend to this wedding is going to put him in a situation to be ridiculed/made uncomfortable then I would advise against not taking him. Talk with him about it. I know that if I was in that situation I would at least like a warning.

said:

NTA. People need to let the homophobes, xenophobes, racists, and bigots of all sorts exclude themselves from family events, instead of catering to their potential tantrums by doing their dirty work for them. All SIL is doing by excluding your boyfriend is showing you that she’ll only put up with your identity as long as it doesn’t inconvenience her - what a peach.

You cannot ruin someone’s wedding by expecting to be treated the way all the other guests are treated. She’s ruining her own wedding by rolling out the red carpet for the biggest assholes on both sides.

She has the “right” to invite who she wants, but if she wants to exercise it in a flagrantly discriminatory way, she’d better be prepared for others to have some feelings about it. Choices have consequences. Weddings do not excuse you from treating the people in your life with basic respect.

said:

Why is it always HER wedding? It’s not just HER wedding. It is her AND your brothers wedding. Your brother obviously wants you and your boyfriend at the wedding or he wouldn’t have talked to his fiancée about you not getting a plus one. Her inability to stand up to her family is not your problem.

And you aren’t ruining anything about her wedding. If she wants to continue to associate herself with homophobic assholes, that’s her problem. Go to the wedding, have a great time and if you become the center of attention wear that sh!t like a crown. NTA

ElsaAzrael said:

NTA, next time they say that ‘it’s her wedding and she has the right to invite who she wants’ point out that it’s also your brother’s wedding and if he wants your bf there then he can invite him. It sounds like your FSIL made a unilateral decision to not invite your bf if your brother didn’t know that you were the only one without a +1 so that makes her a bit of an AH.

Commenters overwhelmingly agreed: NTA.

After speaking with his brother, OP shared this major update:

After my bf and my brother had their gaming night, my bf called me over to our gaming room and we talked to my brother. We told him we both loved him but decided to not attend the wedding. My brother was obviously upset, until I followed the advice of many of you guys and showed my brother's my FSIL's texts.

To say he was livid was an understatement, he actually called up my SIL in front of us and demanded that she apologize to both me and my bf. She did, but defended what she did and explained her reasons to my brother (the same reasons she gave me when I first confronted her). He tried to argue with her but she told him that she'd talk to him once he came back home and hung up.

It took some time, but my bf was able to calm him down and we talked about everything. He told us he completely understands if we decided not to attend, and that he would never hold it against us, even though he would love for us to attend. He told us he would never want us to degrade ourselves just for his fiancé's "hapiness".

He ended up spending the night at our house because I didn't want him driving when this upset. In the end we couldn't sleep and we talked almost all night. He told me that he sees my SIL in a new light now, since he feels like her family will have too much power over their relationship, Our mother knows that she doesn't have that kind of power over us,

but he's scared that his MIL would try to control his future wife. In the end he told me that maybe he didn't want to attend his own wedding. I told him to get some rest and to really think about it before doing anything reckless. He slept until 1 pm and then went back home.

We got a text a few days later telling us the wedding was officially on a hiatus and that my brother and his fiancé are on a break. We told him that he could move in with us for now, if he needed space from his fiancé and he agreed. In the end both my bf and my brother told me I did the right thing by showing him the texts, because he deserved to know who he was about to marry.

Thank you to all who helped me with this difficult situation, and I hope you appreciate the update.

Sources: Reddit
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