Confused woman blamed for ruining cousin's wedding when jealous wife confronts her. AITA?
"AITA for ruining to my cousin's wedding?"
I'm going to try keep it brief because I genuinely feel like I'm being gaslit by everyone but also maybe I'm not seeing my own role in this situation. Basically, in university, I had a very brief sort of relationship with a guy on my course.
I ended it because I felt like I needed to learn independence. I've never lived on my own. My mum and dad coddled me and paid for my expenses, cooked for me, did my laundry etc. He was looking to settle down and I really wasn't. I wanted to learn to be on my own for a bit and he wanted to marry someone he could take care of.
We went our separate ways, finished uni, got jobs etc. My cousin got married the other day. This guy I was previously talking to attended with his wife. She also attended our uni and was on the same course.
I wasn't really fussed by seeing them, they've clearly moved on and I'm loving life right now, having that independence I've been wanting. It's all chill until his wife comes up to our table. She asked me why she didn't see me at graduation.
For context, I didn't attend our graduation ceremony because both my grandmothers had passed away and it was their funeral. I didn't really care about missing graduation because I've got horrible social anxiety anyway and the thought of being seen by that many people freaked me out.
She asked about my career. I told her that I'm in teaching now and I love it. Small pleasantries, you get it. But she randomly veered the conversation in different direction. She's like, my husband doesn't care about you anymore.
I wasn't bothered at all because over the few years since we were together, I started to see just how toxic he was. He was controlling and he wanted me to ask his permission before seeing my own friends.
I was not looking to start an argument at my cousin's wedding so I walked away from them and sat at my other cousin's table. I don't know how, but she found me again at some other point of the reception and it got weird.
She was saying things like, "you are so jealous of us." "You skipped graduation because you didn't want to see us together." (I didn't even know they were together). I didn't bother explaining myself.
It would've been pointless as she'd already made up her mind about me. I just nodded along as she ranted to me. But as you'd expect, it started to take attention away from the wedding.
I decided it would probably be best to go home so I gave my gifts and left. But my cousin messaged me a few days later angry at me for starting fights at the wedding. I told her I wasn't looking for any fights and that girl had approached me every single time. But she told me it was my fault for leading him on in the first place.
I explained it was very long time ago, I was only 19 at the time and I wasn't sure what I wanted to do with my life, let alone commit to marrying a guy. Am I being dumb or is this actually my fault? Did I really ruin the wedding? There is more I want to include, but this post is limited.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA. There's some serious gaslighting going on here. Although it's also possible that this woman talked to your cousin and said it was your fault.
Me thinks his wife protests too much. I'd put money down that "you're the one who got away". I'd speak to your cousin and see what story she's is spinning. My guess is she saying you were following them around, and she was protecting her hubby.
You didn't start the fight and you left so it wouldn't cause commotion at the wedding. NTA. Is your cousin friends the with other girl? Cause it seems like she's taking sides when she should be mad at the other girl for starting trouble at her wedding.
NTA. What is wrong with these people? I’d be very firm with everyone who had something to say, “I attended my cousin’s weekend and my exs new wife behaved like an unhinged lunatic following me around. It became so uncomfortable I had to leave because SHE was causing a scene. I have nothing to apologize for.”
Nah, that’s not on you. You didn’t ruin anything, his wife came looking for drama and dragged it into a wedding. You literally tried to walk away and keep it chill, and she kept pushing. Your cousin’s just mad someone caused a scene, but blaming you is easier than admitting her guest was messy. You set no fire, you just left when it got weird. NTA.
NTA. Your cousin and that guy's wife are whack jobs. You attempted to diffuse the situation by removing yourself on multiple occasions. When it was clear the wife was not going to leave you alone, you left the reception to ensure the focus would remain on the cousin.
What exactly were you supposed to do? Why isn't your cousin going after the wife who kept initiating the conflict? Your cousin defending the wife's actions by saying it's because you led a guy on that you dated briefly years ago? Irrelevant and straight up bananas.
You did everything right, however stop engaging with your cousin. It's clear she has an axe to grind with you and is using this incident as her excuse. Nothing you say is going to change that for her. Drop the rope and protect your peace.
NTA. Based on what you’ve written, you realized that guy wasn’t what you wanted and the relationship ended a long time ago. His wife is either very unhappy and/or very insecure in her relationship and she’s projecting, or he put her up to confronting you, or some combination of those three things.
You did the right things in an awkward situation; you initially walked away, and when she attempted to continue the interaction and you realized it was drawing unwanted attention, you excused yourself and left the event.
Any attention that was diverted from the bride and groom was entirely her fault, because she continuously tried to not only engage, but escalate, the situation. Don’t let anyone convince you otherwise.