"AITA for ruining my cousin's wedding?"
I'm going to try keep it brief because I genuinely feel like I'm being gaslit by everyone but also maybe I'm not seeing my own role in this situation. Basically, in university, I had a very brief sort of relationship with a guy on my course.
I ended it because I felt like I needed to learn independence. I've never lived on my own. My mum and dad coddled me and paid for my expenses, cooked for me, did my laundry etc. He was looking to settle down and I really wasn't. I wanted to learn to be on my own for a bit and he wanted to marry someone he could take care of.
We went our separate ways, finished uni, got jobs etc. My cousin got married the other day. This guy I was previously talking to attended with his wife. She also attended our uni and was on the same course.
I wasn't really fussed by seeing them, they've clearly moved on and I'm loving life right now, having that independence I've been wanting. It's all chill until his wife comes up to our table. She asked me why she didn't see me at graduation.
For context, I didn't attend our graduation ceremony because both my grandmothers had passed away and it was their funeral. I didn't really care about missing graduation because I've got horrible social anxiety anyway and the thought of being seen by that many people freaked me out.
She asked about my career. I told her that I'm in teaching now and I love it. Small pleasantries, you get it. But she randomly veered the conversation in different direction. She's like, my husband doesn't care about you anymore.
I wasn't bothered at all because over the few years since we were together, I started to see just how toxic he was. He was controlling and he wanted me to ask his permission before seeing my own friends.
I was not looking to start an argument at my cousin's wedding so I walked away from them and sat at my other cousin's table. I don't know how, but she found me again at some other point during the reception and it got weird.
She was saying things like, "you are so jealous of us." "You skipped graduation because you didn't want to see us together." (I didn't even know they were together). I didn't bother explaining myself.
It would've been pointless as she'd already made up her mind about me. I just nodded along as she ranted to me. But as you'd expect, it started to take attention away from the wedding.
I decided it would probably be best to go home so I gave my gifts and left. But my cousin messaged me a few days later angry at me for starting fights at the wedding. I told her I wasn't looking for any fights and that girl had approached me every single time. But she told me it was my fault for leading him on in the first place.
I explained it was very long time ago, I was only 19 at the time and I wasn't sure what I wanted to do with my life, let alone commit to marrying a guy. Am I being dumb or is this actually my fault? Did I really ruin the wedding? There is more I want to include, but this post is limited.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA. There's some serious gaslighting going on here. Although it's also possible that this woman talked to your cousin and said it was your fault.
Me thinks his wife protests too much. I'd put money down that "you're the one who got away". I'd speak to your cousin and see what story she's is spinning. My guess is she saying you were following them around, and she was protecting her hubby.
You didn't start the fight and you left so it wouldn't cause commotion at the wedding. NTA. Is your cousin friends the with other girl? Cause it seems like she's taking sides when she should be mad at the other girl for starting trouble at her wedding.
NTA. What is wrong with these people? I’d be very firm with everyone who had something to say, “I attended my cousin’s weekend and my exs new wife behaved like an unhinged lunatic following me around. It became so uncomfortable I had to leave because SHE was causing a scene. I have nothing to apologize for.”
Nah, that’s not on you. You didn’t ruin anything, his wife came looking for drama and dragged it into a wedding. You literally tried to walk away and keep it chill, and she kept pushing. Your cousin’s just mad someone caused a scene, but blaming you is easier than admitting her guest was messy. You set no fire, you just left when it got weird. NTA.
Twelve days later, the OP returned with an update.
I did end up contacting my cousin after reading through the comments on the original post. I waited a while because she was enjoying her honeymoon. It went better than I expected to be honest.
She did start off by explaining that she was upset at the wedding because she felt flustered about having people fighting at her wedding. It was her instinct to stick up for her friend.
I mentioned in the comments that my cousin and I aren't very close so it might sound strange that she'd opt to defend her friend over me, but it makes sense to me and I'm not mad about it.
We pretty much squashed it and agreed that it would be better for the sake of our families to just agree there are no hard feelings and what happened, happened. Just to make life easier for events like this in the future.
I don't think about it anymore. Most of my reaction to the situation came from everything happening so publicly. Once I was out of the situation and had time to cool down a bit, it stopped bothering me.
I wanted to clear some things up too. Some of you were confused why I would be shocked that the wife found me during the reception. I forget that white weddings are so small.
There were between 700 to 1000 people at this wedding and like 70 to 80 tables not including the bride and grooms table. It was a pretty big venue and my cousins table that I sat at was tucked away in the corner.
Speaking of, some of you were wondering why the cousin I sat with didn't say anything. She's like me in that sense. Getting involved just makes the situation worse as we've seen with our parents, aunts, and uncles.
And no, it wasn't a situation where the entirety of the hall stopped and watched. It was more of a situation where the few people around us were watching the situation go down. There were still people dancing, going to all the carts serving different foods etc.
Also, I don't know what side of the story his wife knows. Nor do I care to know. It happened three years ago. I realise my account of this may be biased so I take accountability for that. I think naturally we tend to only see situations from our own point of view.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
As for why you ex’s wife came at you, I can’t help but wonder what kinds of stories and signals she’s getting from your ex. Maybe he idealizes you. Or maybe he’s tried to make you the devil and blame you for everything that went wrong in your relationship. Maybe he’s telling her that you’re obsessed with him and following him around in person and an on social media.
I know I wouldn't have anything to do with this cousin going forward!!! Let her have her horrible friend!
Not an AH, but this is a little ridiculous. If what you’ve said over the past two posts is true, I think you need to set better boundaries for yourself. Someone walking all over you and then you choosing to “basically squash it” sucks for all parties, particularly you.
Regardless, I don’t think this is true - to frame someone attacking you for no reason in a 700+ person wedding as “ruining” the wedding, to the point where your cousin you admittedly aren’t close to noticed, is facetious even by AITA standards. Best of luck either way.
OP is the one who "got away," and he's probably said that within his wife's hearing. If the ex is toxic, then he's used you for comparison purposes to tear her down and make her more biddable to his will.
Who knows though, and all is good since you've talked with the cousin and taken care of it. If you have to interact with this woman again, do not let her get away with spouting nonsense and call her out if she's the one hunting you down.
Yeah, I was 99% sure it was the ex behind this when i read the original post. Toxic people that love to stir the pot and then sit back and smile while it boils over. It seems that OP dodged a bullet.