'AITA for secretly paying off my girlfriend's debt?' 'She's very poor.'

"AITA for secretly paying off my girlfriends debt?"

Recently I’m having a big fall out with my girlfriend of four years and I don’t understand why she’s angry. I have this amazing girlfriend we’ll call Amy. She’s the best girl you’ll ever meet she’s kind, understanding, and makes the best omelette in the world.

She’s very poor though has always been she was raised by a single mother and they struggled all her childhood. I come from the opposite type of style I know I’m very privileged but me and her have been friends for years after a chance meeting.

She has always been a great girlfriend and we don’t argue often but when we do it’s about money not as you would think she just doesn’t like when I spend money on her and I can’t understand it. I would gift her nice jewelry and she always seemed to dislike it.

Me being love struck upgraded and I brought her a new car we got in a big argument that time and she told me she didn’t want me to waste money on her she’d rather me spend that type of money on something important but she is important and I want to spoil her.

I learned that she appreciated things more if they were directly given to her. If I brought myself a necklace and didn’t like it she would accept it so I started buying her things pretending they were for me and I didn’t want them she would accept and things were going good.

I want to propose soon but she wants to pay off her debts first so we have a clean slate to start on. I’ve known this since the beginning she works hard to pay them she doesn’t pay rent or any utilities in my house I don’t let her even if she tries.

Last week with the help of her mother, I paid off her student loans. I thought it would be a nice gift to her considering it was her birthday, but once everyone left she blew up on me like never before. I’ve never seen her so angry she told me I crossed a line that she was working hard to pay it off and I ruined that and I was a jerk for involving her mom in my schemes. What she really said that stuck with me was.

“You can’t understand why I’m angry because you’ve never had to struggle and you’ve never felt the pride of finally doing something yourself.” And even then I didn’t understand she ended up leaving and she’s at her mom’s house. I can’t understand why I’m losing her I can’t I pay the debt but I don’t want to lose her.

I just want her to live in comfort and I want to marry her. Now that a few days have passed, I’m getting anxious and I’m starting to feel like a real jerk for invading her privacy.

Our whole house is decorated to her taste and it smells like her, but she’s not here and each time I realize that I feel more and more stupid. I’ve never felt like such a jerk before even if I don’t think I did anything wrong so am I the ahole for paying off my girlfriend’s debt without consulting her?

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

Aiywa said:

Ok love. I understand you want to give the world as you know it to your gf and that your gf wanted to accomplish this goal before getting married. You doing this without talking to her comes off as manipulating her into your world without her consent

AT THE SAME TIME, hyper-independence is a trauma response of always having to work HARD for everything in your life and not trusting anyone to help you. And most importantly, it's from learning the hard way and deeply believing that nothing comes for free, she will feel like its pity or charity, or she now owes you. That's why she might struggle with you doing nice things for her.

The answer is apologize and tell her that you want to understand and then truly listen and genuinely be curious about her reasoning. Then tell her that giving her things makes you feel happy and it's how you like to show you care for her, ask her if there are things she can simply let you do for her.

Stop pretending things are for you and do not lie, that will only break the trust she's slowly building. No A's here. Wishing you the best.

LightPhotographer said:

She told you why. To her struggle is a part of life. Growing up with little or no money means you have to rely on yourself. Everything you get is a handout out of pity. If there is anything you don't want it is pity. Nobody is an asshole here, it's just a sad story overall.

Schezzi said:

YTA. You try to trick her into accepting things she doesn't want by deceitful secret means, and take away her adulthood and agency and financial achievements by splashing your money around.

Doing things for others because it's what YOU want to do isn't actually kind or nice - it's selfish. You're doing it to make yourself feel good, not her. Which is why you're upset, as she's not behaving gratefully and praising you like you want. Because if it was really altruistic, you'd respect and listen to what your gf does actually want from you. Spoiler - it's not your money.

Terrible-Industry661 said:

YTA. I had a friend who was wealthy and interested in me. He was a nice guy but had a lot of baggage. The main reason I didn’t pursue a relationship with him was that he was used to using money to get what he wanted.

I never accepted any gifts because, to me, it felt like he was trying to buy me,and I’m not for sale. What I learned is that money is power, and a big difference in upbringing and wealth can make it hard to maintain a balanced relationship. She may have just realized that.

Standard-Cup-7063 said:

Sorry, but YTA. I grew up poor and worked for everything I have. It's one of my greatest sources of pride. The college, I paid for myself. The car, I bought myself. The house, I bought myself. The career, I made myself.

She's doing the same, and you just undercut her ability to do so with your privilege. You may be ignorant, but it doesn't excuse you. And to her, it likely feels like either she's your charity case, or you're setting her up to depend on you.

Seriously... what if she wanted to break up with you? I'm not saying she does or should, but you've made it harder on her to have the autonomy to do so. Now she feels OBLIGATED to you, and that's not what you want to feel like in a relationship. You've basically set yourself on a higher power level than she's at now. And that won't feel good for someone as independent as it sounds like she is.

yetzhragog said:

So you're intentionally ignoring your GFs wishes, actively lying to her, and sneaking around her back to help fulfill your own selfish wants and you don't understand why she's upset? She had a goal and desire to pay off HER debts HERSELF. She didn't ask you to help her achieve this goal and instead you denied her that. Where exactly is this equation confusing? YTA