'AITA for skipping Thanksgiving to avoid my cousin’s fiancé?'
"AITA for skipping Thanksgiving to avoid my cousin’s fiancé?"
I (27F) am very close with one of my cousins (30F) but I’m not a big fan of her fiancé. They’ve been together for 5 years and at family events he’s either a total grump, he’s drunk or both.
On Thanksgiving night my family always has the Charlie Brown Christmas movie on in the background after dinner to kick off the holiday season. The volume is almost 0 and it’s just on in the background, we don’t sit around and actively watch. 2 years ago he complained about it being on even though it’s not loud and the football games had already ended when we put it on.
Last year, he showed up drunk (pretty much belligerent and was slurring words) and he immediately started being rude to my cousin when she tried to give him water instead of beer and he complained about the movie so much that we changed it even though he was in the kitchen and it was playing in another room.
After an hour, I went and put Charlie Brown back on because I love watching it and he wasn’t paying attention so I thought he wouldn’t notice. I moved the tv controller under a pillow so he couldn’t change it again and when he realized it was back on he freaked out and started yelling for someone to change it.
No one said anything but some of my family members were looking in my direction. Then he full on yells at the table I’m at and told me to “turn the effing movie off!”
One of my brothers got up and told them to leave and he and my cousin left right away. He apologized after but my cousin acts like it didn’t happen. It was really jarring to have someone yell and curse at me.
This year, I skipped thanksgiving because I didn’t want to deal with him and I’m still not comfortable being around him. My aunt and uncle were upset that I didn’t come and tried to guilt trip me.
I’ve seen him and my cousin at other events this year and we were cordial. I kinda feel like the AH because I hid the remote but I think I was justified in skipping in thanksgiving. My 2 brothers have been on my side since it happened and so have my other cousins.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
NTA. But in the spirit of the holidays, perhaps you should send him a gift anonymously. May I suggest the "Charlie Brown Christmas" on Blu-ray?
Away-Milk-5170 (OP)
His head would probably explode haha.
NTA
"At family events he’s either a total grump, he’s drunk or both."
Not a nice combination ime. A belligerent & rude drunk is even worse.
It's not his house. If he doesn't like the family tradition movie he doesn't have to watch it. Yeah I suppose hiding the remote is a bit of an a h thing to do but you get a pass because his behavior was way over the top.
"This year, I skipped thanksgiving because I didn’t want to deal with him and I’m still not comfortable being around him."
I don't blame you. However he shouldn't be invited to anything until he addresses his drinking & learns to behave. And if that's never, so be it.
You're NTA. He is, though. So even though he's the problem (complaining and belligerent and yelling), _you're _ somehow the problem for removing yourself from the situation? You did nothing wrong. If anything, he should be the one who has to skip the holiday gathering.
I've noticed that it's always the people who stand up for themselves who are told by family that they are the problem. It's never the actual bully's fault. Because nobody wants to deal with him and it's easier to tell you to take the abuse than to give him consequences for treating other people like garbage.
I'm sorry you're going through this! Tell your aunt and uncle that if they can guarantee that the ah won't scream at you or make weird demands and make everyone uncomfortable, that you will come back again. And of they're not willing to police his behavior, then they don't get to police yours!
Your aunt and uncle are the AH. They should be addressing him. How does he come in someone’s house acting like he’s in charge and intimidating people? And how are they guilt tripping you for not showing up? People can choose where to go. It goes without saying he’s the biggest AH with your cousin a close second.
NTA What's wrong with your cousin? Can't she see what an AH he is and Fitch him? Does she have no self respect or omens for an awful future with him?
Away-Milk-5170 (OP)
We’ve tried to get her to see the light but I don’t want to push her away by always pointing out his bad behaviors. And yes, I sadly think it’s a lack of self respect and/or low self esteem. She’s so kind and bubbly but she’s deep in her attachment to him for some reason.
People need to stand up to this a$$ and tell him his behaviour is out of line. Explain he’s welcome to leave if he doesn’t like it. Everyone needs to stop tippy toeing around the drunk.
NTA - avoiding a belligerent drunk is simply good taste on your part, there is no reason you have to put up with shouting and hostility as part of Thanksgiving.
Oh, you’re definitely NTA. Fiancé or not, I just can’t understand why anyone would want to invite him back after he yelled like that at you.
NTA. But seriously speaking, I would still attend but stay very far from that individual. I don't think you should feel guilty about anything though. I'm sure family traditions are different worldwide, but coming to a party drunk and shouting at others is not something seen as respectable.
NTA and congrats for taking a stand and not allowing anyone to guilt you into going to Thanksgiving. An apology is a good start but until you hear from other family members that he isn’t drinking and being an a**hole at family events, stay away from this guy.
NTA. It stinks that this person is part of their family, but he doesnt have to be part of yours. You, your brothers, and whomever else should start your own traditions, because joining them is no longer a warm, loving experience.
Away-Milk-5170 (OP)
We’re planning to do our own family thing for Christmas. We’re a smaller family and we’ve always spent the holidays with my aunts, uncles and cousins so it’s hard to miss out and wait for her to hopefully leave him.
You should ALL BOYCOTT get togethers when they come. All the ones who agree with you should REFUSE to gather if they show up. As a collective unit, you talk to the one organizing the party and just tell them if they invite these 2 — you won’t be attending (as a group). You’re ALL DONE being cordial with these AHs. Collectively, you’re done. He’s done enough damage and you’re done.
So SOMEONE needs to tell her that HE is no longer welcome and neither is SHE if she brings him. Or things WILL get nasty and if he gets drunk and ugly, police WILL be called. By you or your cousins or brothers if you all decide to show up together.