'AITA for calling out my dad for prioritizing my "golden child" sister over me and my mom?' UPDATED 3X

"AITA for speaking my truth?"

My (26M) sister is my Dad’s golden child and no matter how much I try to get him to see me as her equal it never works and I believe she takes advantage of it. Usually is not much of an issue, but this week some things happened which were the cherry on top.

I‘m hopefully getting married next year and she asked if she could invite her inlaws because they will come next time she comes over. I said OK only because my parents are paying but I know she just wants to do it for the attention. So she will have at least 4 people from her political family there and for sure parade them around.

Also, my parents are about to have a big anniversary in November but they are postponing any celebration because my sister, who lives overseas, doesn’t want to travel so long until things are even calmer. BUT LAST MONTH SHE WENT ON A HOLIDAY TO A COUNTRY NEXT TO HERS.

I was having lunch with them and my fiance when they informed me they are moving their big celebration to next year and I couldn’t handle it anymore: I said to my Dad “of course you will postpone, we should all stop living until she is here” he said it was uncalled for and I was making a big deal about something that had nothing to do with me.

My Mom said they will of course have something intimate and I was as important but I don’t believe it. I stood up and said to my Dad “I am so sorry the love of your life is not around but the most important woman in your life should be your wife not your daughter”. After that I left.

The next day I felt bad and tried to call my Mom who refuses to speak with me and just sent me a text telling me I was bitter and was hurtful and need help. But they and particularly my Dad hurt me with their desire of giving her such a prevalent role in their lives when she has lived abroad for like 10 years.

My Dad blocked me and my fiance is worried they won’t pay for the wedding anymore. My sister, trying to be the center of the universe as usual, tried calling me but I didn’t reply.

I gave it a few days but my parents haven’t contacted me. My sister stopped trying to get in contact with me but she contacted my fiance to “check on me”. I visited my Grands today and she told me I need to apologize because my parents love us both but we are different and so got different things so I began to wonder if I was the a$$hole.

I just want some days where I am the most important person to my parents and still believe that my sister’s golden child status should be addressed and corrected but maybe I was the a$$hole for the way I expressed it?

Edit: I want to be clear I don't think my parents are bad people but just bad parents.

Edit2: This is long time coming. My sister (33) and my Dad have a little club. She is smart, reading since 4 and all that. Since she was very young my Dad used to take her to visit his clients in a nearby city and sometimes she would stay with one of his best friends who owned a book store.

She has a very large book collection that my parents refuse to throw away, even when I tell them to send them to the woman (Dad’s best friend) or my sister. They talk almost daily and discuss economics, politics, etc.

I am not interested on any of those and yes he tried to take me with him but I was always bored and did things like going to my games or getting us stadium tickets for our team but I feel he likes her more. My Mom on the other hand has ups and downs with my sister because they are very different.

The last issue was my sister’s weddings 5 years ago(YES SHE HAD TWO) one intimate where she lives and another in our country, and my Mom wanted to have her dresses made from a special fabric and my sister put a budget limit on how much the dress was going to be and even wanted to wear the same dress for both things.

They had an argument but in the end she had 2 dresses but with the budget. She didn’t even let me bring my gf (future wife) because she wanted it to be intimate but there were like 50 people there. My Mom told my fiance she would be buying or making her dress SINGULAR, my Mom and fiance have a very good relationship so I am sure my sister was involved somehow in convincing her of that.

Sister has a Phd that my parents paid for and doesn’t work in the family businesses at all, only consults sometimes and pretends she doesn’t want to be paid for it. My parents supported her until she got a job and every time she graduated for the Masters and the Phd we had to go to Europe to be there. I work in a family business so I know they have to talk to me eventually even if they are angry.

I could give more and more examples of their favoritism towards her. I also don’t hate her I just wish she would let me shine on my days. And yes the wedding would be a gift but if they were willing to pay for two and many dresses and honeymoon then I deserve the same treatment!

Edit3: In case anybody wants to know (you might be happy about this) I got a message from my Dad telling me to be in a family zoom call, to say everything I want and everybody will take turns. He said if I didn’t attend he will pull out his funding from our business so I had to go but told him I will ask my fiance to be in too.

It was me, fiance, parents, sister and her husband. The moment I connected I noticed my sister was pissed. I was the first to speak, I told them all my feelings and even brought up the fact hey are treating my wedding differently and even what some commenters brought up about my parents leaving the businesses to my sister.

I spoke about how hurtful it was they preferred her, they seem to talk to her about serious things and she gets so much and they all think she is great etc. Nobody said anything or interrupted me, which is very common in serious family talks.

Then they asked if my fiance wanted to say anything and she bravely said she felt she was not part of the family and she always thought they thought of her as a daughter and she stands by me.

Then it was my Mom’s turn and she told me she was sorry about my feelings, that they tried to do things I liked and that they love us both equally. She said it was sad I pretended everything was ok and they didn’t know how deep it was but she still thinks I need help. She then told my fiance she loves her but my sister is her only daughter.

Then it was my Dad’s turn. He said he is sorry I feel he doesn’t like me but he isn’t sorry for loving his kid. He said I didn’t mind the tickets, cars, or even living in a house rent free and he is disappointed. He said everything they own will be divided 50-50 when they died and if I didn’t want my sister to have anything to do with our business then I can buy him out.

He said they will pay for my wedding no matter what because it’s something they always wanted to do for they kids but are not happy with me. He also told my fiance that she should be grateful and not greedy. By then I was upset with the lack of apologies and the attack of my fiance but I held it.

Then my BIL told me he didn’t know how I feel about his family and he just assumed his nuclear family would come just like I was at his brother’s wedding. He said no hard feelings over it.

Then it was my sister. A thing about my sister is that when she is truly angry she doesn’t swear or screams, she is just really cold, hard and to the neck. She said she could feel me distancing at around 10-11 when she visited from uni and I was not included in some conversations with my Dad.

She said she accepted being my guardian at 18 if my parents died so she had to be brought up to speed on all matters and didn’t want to stress me out. She said she could have been a better sister and she was sorry I grew so full or resentment but that her career path had nothing to do with me. She reminded me I was offered to go abroad but I didn’t want to.

She reminded me that I have gone on holidays with her and let me know those holidays were paid by her or her husband not my parents (news to me). She said she asked me about her inlaws coming because they need to plan the trip around my wedding. She said my fiance and I were only 7 months together when she got married and that she didn’t want my parents to have to pay for her trip.

She said that the reason she doesn’t want to get paid for consulting is because she thinks is not right but that next time she will invoice me her actual hourly rate since I am so insulted by it. She said she went to the Netherlands (from Germany) because she was truly burned out and is pathetic I think is the same as taking a 10 hr plane.

She said my Grandma was the one that told her everything I said because my parents tried to protect me and that she was done with me for the moment until I get therapy. And the last thing she said was that she loves me but doesn’t like me at all right now.

This is obvious summary but the was she said the things is something I have seen her do to people but never to me and I almost cried but she had no niceness in the eyes. My parents said they can get me therapy or I can find it myself and that if I don’t try something to help myself the wedding is the last thing I will get from them.

What made me feel worse is how my sister spoke to me, she has never talked to me like this even when we argued so I know she is serious. I got my A** handed to me. Yes I am jealous and the a$$hole. I am upset my fiance is crying but I think I need to evaluate what my next move is.

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

sparkly____sloth said:

YTA oh boy, I don't even know where to start. Your parents are paying for your wedding, how exactly does that show they don't care about you? Your sister asked if she could bring her in laws.

She didn't announce, she didn't demand, she asked. If you say yes to something you don't want that's on you. It's your parents anniversary not yours and they made a joint decision to have something small on the day off and something bigger later. You insinuated that your dad has something going on with his own daughter and doesn't care about his wife.

Frankly if they never speak to you again I would understand. Your "horrible" sister even after you insulted her along with your dad tried checking in on you multiple times but of course that's just because she wants attention. Wtf?! You need to apologize yesterday and find a therapist immediately.

mum3masterofnone said:

Yta. At first I did feel sympathy for you but then the way you decided to word your 'truth' just came across as immature and petty. And it seems like you're making a lot of assumptions about your sister. 'She'll parade her in laws around.... she wanting to be the centre of everything' etc.

How do you know the reason she called you wasn't to try and help you resolve things with your parents? You're not even giving it a chance. I have a sister who lives overseas and when a major family event is happening we always try to accommodate her as she is the one who has to make all the arrangements of travel and stay and a lot of expenses. What's the big deal?

Bunnyrpger said:

YTA. Mostly the first 2 parts sounds like envy. Plus, traveling over seas vs adjacent country is a different beast depending on where you live. When I was a teen, crossing borders was a common occurrence with daily life for me.

Then during a nice little get together they make a little statement then you get all pissy to the point they cut contact, which you complain about. The 1 person who might be able to help resolve this contacts you and what do you do? Get petty and ignore them.

To clarify, there is nothing in this post to suggest favoritism other then your claim. Nothing suggests your parents wouldn't act the same if you lived far away.

The next day, OP shared this first update:

I haven’t been able to sleep and decided to read all the comments again. I tried calling my sister because even if yes I am jealous of her it still hurts me the way she talked to me. She refused to talk to me but I could speak with my BIL. He said the reason she doesn’t want to talk to me is because I hurt her deeply and she feels emotionally drained by me and knows if we talk she will say more hurtful things.

This made me realize how much I love my sister and the problem is me. I still have bad feelings and feel I have been slighted, I can not say I am magically a different person but my family has never talked to me like they did and my sister has always defended me and I thought she did it to look good. I am beginning to think maybe she actually loves me. I am very confused.

My BIL is an amazing man too and he told me to just get help and give it time but I am unsure what to do or where to go, he told me to research therapists and pick one and he would help me choose if I want his help. He also said I should stop thinking my family doesn’t care that they are not perfect but they do their best.

But he also asked me what is my fiance’s family contributing to the wedding or our lives and I could not think of anything. She lives with me, works with me and her parents are not paying anything because they say my family is better off. I don’t know where that will go but I did tell her I need help because I became a monster so no wedding until my family issue is fixed. She is crying but said she understands.

My Grandma said that she told my sister because my parents just told her there was an argument but not what I said, looking back what I said is disgusting and I feel bad about it. She said my family wouldn’t react so strongly unless they love me a lot.

I asked my Dad if I can take some mental days off (noit a thing in my country) and he said it sounds like a good thing and reminded me they love me and just want me to be happy and not just pretend to be happy. Also, the books are in her walk in closet in her bedroom at my parents. They still have a lot of my stuff in my bedroom and my parents said I am welcome to Sunday meeting whenever I feel ready to go.

I also must admit that she did two weddings because my parents asked if she would be willing to do so. My Mom wanted to get her super fancy dresses and at the end they got 2 dresses for like 600 euros because my sister put a limit of 300 per dress. I think maybe I am jealous of her because she is actually better than me, I just don’t want to feel like this anymore or hurting my family anymore.

So I guess I can thank reddit for the hard comments, I have so many issues and so much jealousy about my sister to get over I don’t know where to start. I am beginning to doubt if I am even ready to get married. But if the comments had been full of support I would probably not see it. And of course my family call was really something hard to be in.

Three weeks later, OP shared this second update:

It has been a very interesting time for me and my family. I wanted to share because you are brutal but fair. Some told me I am rambling and yes I do so I try my best this time.

My family ­­– After taking some days off work to process it all, my BIL found me a therapist and I started immediately. We have also done group sessions and “couple ones“ aka me and Dad, me and Mom, me and sister. It has helped me see all the issues and we are learning to communicate better as a family so nobody (me) feels unloved or unappreciated ever again.

I now know I have a long road ahead but I want to be better. My parents say they just want the best for me and they want me to feel loved. Also, I am moving back home. After high school I moved out because I wanted to do things like my sister but I feel it is the best option so when my parents gave me the option I thought it over and agreed to. Baby steps but good ones.

My sister – She didn’t talk to me at all for about 10 days, and this might sound stupid but it is the longest sge hasn’t communicated with me ever. It hurt me a lot and I knew I hurt her a lot. In our session she showed me a list of many messages people send about me:

They were all positive, praising my talents and all. She said we are different but great in out own ways and the reason I usually don’t hear how great I am is because people don’t praise me directly.

She also told me most of the time when something happens that my parents know she might give me sh!t about they simply don’t tell her so I don’t have drama and joked maybe I am the true golden child since they shield me. She is talking to me again and has helped me a lot. Am I still jealous of her? Yes, but I want to transform that into admiration.

My EX – While I know my feelings are mine and I am responsible for them, my Ex did throw gasoline to it. She was always the first to point out anything my sister got that I didn’t, or how much money everybody spent on things, etc. Long story short, we broke up. Long story: I told her I was considering moving back with my parents and maybe getting a Master or something like that.

She was not pleased with it and kept asking about the wedding, but I told her I could not think about marriage at this moment and maybe we could also use a break, I also told her I would give her three months to find a place to stay or she could pay rent on the house (my parents own it).

She was very angry, told me I had to marry her and if not at least let her live rent free and cover utilities and food because I was breaking up out of the blue. I told her that was the reason I was giving her three months and she could use her salary since she didn’t use a single cent while we were together. THEN things got weird and bad.

She told me she was calling her family, not leaving the house and will sue me for mental distress. I did panicked, she said the same back in the day when I tried breaking up but then convinced me she was the only one that loved me. But this time I called my family and they told me to lock myself out the house and call a friend of my sister’s.

He came and told her she can sue, she can do whatever, she is not getting anything and that my offer of the three months was off and he wanted her out ASAP. He took a video with the state of everything and told her if things are damaged I would sue her, turns out my sister told him this might be coming so he got infor from her and was prepared for it and did it as a favor to her since they are kindergarden friends.

A couple of my cousins stayed with me until she left days later and her Dad told me I would go to hell. She is still working in the company and will have a job as long as she performs but I have no relation with her at all anymore and haven’t been to the office.

YES, THERE IS NEPOTISM AND MY FAMILY HIRES EACH OTHER. But nobody would take away her job because she does an ok job and is always on time. I hope she finds love again, just not with me.

And Me – I am single, at home and most likely unemployed in the next months since my parents say I should focus on myself and my mental health. My BIL has been one of my rocks through this and he truly cares for all my family and we are becoming true friends.

My Grandma let me know nobody liked my ex and she is happy we are not together anymore, she says they all started disliking her when she got upset they didn’t get her expensive things for our first christmas. My friends also told me they didn’t like her. Turns out everybody wanted it to end and some said so jokingly over the years but they thought she helped me out and made me happy so they dealt with her.

I hope I get better luck in love but I need to be better too. I might take up the offer to start over abroad but I feel more positive. And yes my sister and I are trying to find common ground, she truly is amazing and the more I get to know her and her flaws and weird things like her lemon juice obsession, the more I like her.

At the end speaking my “truth“ got me what I needed and while I was a huige AH now I can admit how privileged I am. Still not perfect, but a little less AH.

UPDATE #3:

Hello my brutal but fair friends. I wanted to update you mainly to conclude this chapter of my life and also because I have received a lot of support and kindness and love I feel is just the right thing. I will also try to keep it dtraight.

My Ex ­­– Since I left the company we have not talk much but she became upset when I told her I was not coming back and we will be selling it. My dad made a deal with a friend that every employee that wanted to would get the option to stay at least 3 years and would keep their position and not be demoted.

I told her that but she said it was unfair, that people already treat her different and she feels people like her less. I told her I havent say anything but I know people were not crazy about her before and it doesn't surprise me that now that she is not related to any boss they are not putting up with her. We did have a big conversation about my future and it is obvious she was not with me for the right reasons.

My sister ­­– I told her about my posts and she asked to read them. After a little thought I told her my username and she said she wanted to check it out and we can talk about it later. She was very upset people were mean to me but very thankful people called me out because "I really needed that". She said her lemon juice thing was not that weird and teased me about it.

In getting to know her more I have also been told things like they have lost two babies but I was not told since I didn't seem interested in their life and she was afraid I wouldn't take it well and it broke me. It made me realized my sister is really a human and not myth and she has suffered things I cant even understand and made me really ashamed I was not there for her because I was being selfish and arrogant.

Even in the pain she thought of how I would feel because yes my sister does love me. She has assured me she loves me unconditionally but now she is starting to like me again.

My bil and parents ­­– My BIL is an amazing man. I really hope one day I am like him in my own version, I get more and more why he truly deserves to be with my sister and he is full of love and patience.

We had a long conversation about them having kids and I told him to please don't think I am an obstacle, he was really moved because he told me they were considering not trying at all until I were better but I know in my heart I would not forgive myself if I prevented them to have babies.

My parents told me now that I am making changes in life they would like to spend seasons in Germany and the only reason they didn't before is because they wanted to be close to me. Turns out they wanted to be close to me all along, I just was too stupid to notice.

Me ­­– I am moving to Germany. I decided to just try something new, my sister and bil are helping me with all the paperwork I will be going under an applicant permit and I feel very happy about it. My parents are helping me translate my documents, do everything to make them legal and all. I am applying for a Master degree and will get support from my family, sale of the business and a little job my bil got me.

I am just finalizing things and will be moving at the end of the year. My sister owns her own department and she will host me until I find my own. I am already taking German classes and my bil helps me practice too.

That is the reason I know without a doubt my Ex is not for me, because when I told her I was moving to Germany her only question was if she could come too and if my parents would be willing to help her out since she doesn't get a wedding now. She has been posting things about how my sister and how she destroyed her life with her schemes.

But my sister's friend sent her a notice letting her know we would sue her and she stopped naming her and now it is all passive aggresive posts without my sister's name. I apologized to my sister but she only asked me if I would ever get back with my Ex and when I said no she told me she couldn't care less about what my Ex did.

I am working very hard on my mental health I know it may take months or years to be in a place where I have zero jealousy but I also know it is for the best. I have not started dating again even if some friends suggested it because I want to be a worthy man and I am moving so I see no point.

My therapist is amazing and since we do the sessions online it shouldn't be a problem. Sometimes I reevaluate some memories and realize people did like me, did love me, did care about me but I just couldn't see it. My sister is truly just extraordinary and I couldn't see it because I didnt truly knew her and was so focused about myself.

I now know I am also extraordinary in my own way or at least she keeps telling me that and I should stop comparing myself to her or anybody else. I never really appreciated how much my parents thought of me or did for me but now I know my family loves me and we are not perfect and I am not perfect but I will never take them for granted.

I am looking forward for a better future, a better relationship with my family and if I am lucky enough a new nephew or niece. Thank you for all you have told me and for being the kick I needed to change my life. I am very grateful I came to this site.