'AITA for splitting up with my fiancé because he keeps demanding we have kids?' UPDATED
"AITA for splitting up with my fiancé because he keeps demanding we have kids?"
I (21f) have always been very against having children. I like kids, don't get me wrong, but I can't stand the idea of having my own. My fiancé (24m) has known this since we started dating 3 years ago. He proposed last year and I said yes. The first few months of being engaged were wonderful, and he couldn't have been a better partner.
However, about 6 months into the engagement, he kept bringing up the idea of maybe having a baby. I told him every time that I don't want kids of my own, and he accepted this answer the first few times.
At the end of last year, my sister (19f) had her daughter. Despite living 8 hours away from us, we were still close, talking over the phone pretty much every day and visiting whenever we could.
Since she had the baby, my fiancé has gone from accepting "no" as my answer to kids, to saying how disappointed he is in me for not being maternal like my sister. He constantly makes sly comments and remarks about me "hating children," how I would be a useless mother, and how I'm "pro abortion" (because I supported my youngest sister through a termination after she ended up pregnant at 14.)
His most recent comment (which he said to my mother) was "When we (him and I) have kids, you'll have to be the mum if OP isn't gonna stick around." Like, wtf? What shocked me most was that she is on board with it. She knows that I really don't want kids, and she has been somewhat supportive and told me it's my decision at the end of the day.
However, much like my fiancé, she has been trying to talk me into having kids since my sister had hers. She straight up said to me "I know you don't want children, but think of (fiancé). He wants them so desperately. I really hope you change your mind for his sake." What???
So, I told him that if he is so desperate for a baby, he can have one! Just not with me. I said I would give back the ring, no hard feelings and we can move on and meet new partners who actually want the same things in life as us.
This did not go down well. He shouted, screamed, smashed up our bedroom, he had a full on toddler tantrum at the thought of me leaving him. He is adamant that he is going to have kids and it IS going to be with me.
I told him again, for what must be the 1,000th time, no. This just made him worse, but I'm not willing to play along and say yes in something that is such a huge life decision.
I don't want kids, and him having this toddler tantrum just emphasized my point. So I took my ring off and handed it to him. He looked bewildered, but I told him that this was a complete deal breaker for me (which he knew from the start of our relationship).
I called my friend, explained the situation and she came to pick me up right away. He continued screaming, shouting and throwing things. I left as soon as my friend arrived. I don't know when I will be ready to return. AITA?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
AdmirableAvocado said:
Sounds like you didn't dodge a bullet but a huge tactical nuke. NTA. Go and live your best life.
sylviegirl21 said:
NTA. You’re literally putting up with a man child. did he know you didn’t want kids before you got engaged? Either way he is acting like a complete a%s, and to say that you’re a bad person because you’re not “maternal???????"
Guess what buddy, not every woman wants nor needs to be a mother. I know it’s hard but I would divorce him right away. Please don’t put up with that. I promise you this won’t go away. Even if you stay together, he will resent you forever.
ThePrinceVultan said:
NTA. And I would do my absolute best not to be anywhere with him alone ever again. You do not sound safe in his presence.
JuliaX1984 said:
NTA Make sure you're NEVER alone with him again - the kid thing is a definite dealbreajer, but he's got dangerous anger management issues, too. You can't go back to him even if he gets a vasectomy.
Ariatdadisco said:
NTA. This man thought he could bully you into changing your mind. Wanting/not wanting to have kids is an absolute dealbreaker and he clearly never respected you or your autonomy. I'm sorry your mom sucks too OP. She already has grandchildren. What's her damage?
Unsolicitedadvice13 said:
NTA. This is so simple. On one hand you could have a child you regret with a man who will be able to teach that child how to throw tantrums into adulthood. On the other you could be with someone who respects your choice and doesn’t have to scream at you to get you to agree with him. Easy choice to me.
Update from OP in the comments:
Sorry I have been quiet for a while, I have been laying low. I would just like to add a quick update: I'm out. My friend who picked me up gathered some other friends to help me move my things, and we did that while both my mum and my ex were out of the house.
I am currently staying with said friend, who has very generously offered for me to stay for as long as I need to. They both know that I am safe (I had my friend ring them from a burner phone), but neither of them have my location. I have gone no contact with both of them. Thank you all for your advice. I am currently looking for a new job and a flat, but things are looking up :) ❤️