'AITA for staying at my mother's house because of my wife?' UPDATED
"AITA for staying at my mother's house because of my wife?"
I am 33M. My wife, 27F, is a sweet and loving person. We've been married for five years and she is really the love of my life and she truly makes me happy, she really does. However, she's been getting mad at me over a very stupid thing recently, to the point where I wasn't comfortable staying in the same house as her. I own the house. She cooks, I clean. We both work. It's a good system.
I work in construction, but it's really a cubicle job. We have regular work parties to celebrate big wins and some of us go to bars afterward. These parties are sort of big and all of my coworkers bring their wives. You can see where this is going. After constantly being questioned I asked my wife to come. She said she didn't want to because after work she's usually exhausted. She's a social worker.
I don't buy that excuse because it's just a party for a few hours, and then she can go home when me and my coworkers go to the bar. I said this and she said that it wouldn't be safe for her to go home alone at night. I offered to drop her off, and she told me to drop it. I went to the party and got pestered. I ended up not going to the bar and came home in a bad mood.
Admittedly I shouted a bit, said that it was annoying that I make it look like I'm not married. She didn't really yell back, and I was hella confused, and then she asked me why I was so bothered. I said it was embarrassing, and then she shook her head, as if mocking me.
Here's where I might be in the wrong. I called her an AH and stormed out to my mother. I don't like going to my mother because she often sides with my wife more than me, and it's stupid. I haven't told her why I was there and told her that I just missed her. So anyway, am I wrong? She hasn't texted me yet and it only makes me feel like she doesn't care abut me at all.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
mama_bear_740 wrote:
You have NO IDEA how emotionally draining and stressful it is being a social worker. She deals with issues on behalf of those that usually can’t speak for themselves, and she also sees people in deplorable condition, listens to their stories and tries to find them assistance.
Your attitude that she works “just 8 hours” is total BS. Those 8 hours can feel like 8 years. And the things she has to deal with aren’t something you can easily leave at work. It’s NOT an easy job.
If she doesn’t want to go she doesn’t have to. And she went a couple times just to please you. What the hell more do you want? If you are embarrassed by not having your wife attend a party, that’s a YOU problem. You are wrong for yelling at her, cussing her, pestering her to go, and for running home to hide behind mommy’s apron strings. Grow a pair ? and treat your wife as a man should.
OP responded:
She didn't go just because I wanted her to. When I asked she said yes, and I know she had a good time. It's just that the partiers have gotten more intense lately because of my coworkers.
Flat_Criticism6440 wrote:
A lot of good comments, I just want to say, stop going to the party, at this point, it's just an excuse to drink. Unless you are actually celebrating something, tell them you have things to do with your wife and she is more important than a weekly party.
OP responded:
The parties are a good time though. I do hang out with my wife when I get home if she's not already asleep, but she usually is. That's kinda my point, she's already asleep so I might as well do something fun while I wait.
But at the same time, if she didn't have to go to a party then she WOULD be asleep, so I'm just taking time away from her. I don't know. I'm obsessively checking the comments because she still hasn't texted me, nor I have her.
wylderpixie wrote:
Your mom keeps siding with your wife because your wife is right. What a childish overreaction.
wlfwrtr wrote:
You're wrong. Your wife is a social worker. See that word 'SOCIAL'? That's what your wife does all day long, socializing. Don't you think she deserves a little quiet time to reset for the next day. Social work can be one of the most mentally draining careers there is.
Then she has a husband who can't respect her need for down time. When he doesn't get his way he goes running home to mommy. How long do you think she'll take before realizing how emotionally immature you are?
After reading the comments OP added these edits:
Edit: I am still currently at my mother's house. Honestly the comments have eaten me up alive, and I actually may be in the wrong about all this. But I do want to give context about the parties: They are a constant thing, like every other Friday type party. At this point I don't even know what we're celebrating, but they are fun. My coworkers are also really heavy drinkers.
I don't just mean that they ask me questions about my wife like "where is she?" sure, it start like that in the beginning, but the questions progressively get worse, and if I tell anyone to back off I'M the villain. And yes, I do leave the parties when I get uncomfortable. But when I don't go the parties I get pestered during the day, so what's the point?
Finally, my wife HAS gone to a party of mine once or twice, and it's not like she's said it's not her thing. She's enjoyed them before, so why deny me now? Anyway, I probably am in the wrong for leaving to stay with my mother, and I just hope she isn't thinking about doing what some of you have said and divorcing me. It really isn't that serious.
Five days later, OP shared another update:
I didn't know if I should add the update here or make a new post, but here it is: she didn't want to go to the party because she's pregnant. She just didn't know how to tell me. The past three days I stayed at my mom's she didn't contact me at all. It really hurt, and I was worried. I came back today and she was in our bedroom.
I said hi, she gave me the pregnancy test and left to a friend's. I was stunned. Why didn't she just tell me? That would have saved us so much time. I don't know what I'm going to do now. I admit that I was definitely wrong for yelling at her, and it was childish to go to my mom. A lot of you said that she probably sides with my wife because my wife is always right.
That might be true. Three days of reflection really showed me that. I love my wife, and I think I'm ready to be a dad, I don't know. I don't think she'd going to leave me, not with a baby. She needs me still. I wished she would've just said that she was pregnant, and I would've just let it go. In fact, I might've not even gone to that damn party.
Edit/Update: My wife has came home today and sat me down. We had a very long talk. About us, about the baby, about me. I expected this, but she basically said that she felt that sometimes I let my anger blow out, and that I went to my mother way too much.
I wish I went on an advice forum too, but I sort of just sat there while she talked, hoping that she would cool herself down. Seeing her voice the same opinions that you guys had sort of solidified everything in my head.
I am a huge AH, and I really don't deserve my wife. I am NOT ready for this baby, but my wife has decided to keep it. And, though most of you guys will hate this, she is NOT divorcing me. A comment mentioned couple's therapy so I kinda just threw it out there when she was done talking, and I guess it was enough to give us a chance still, so next week we're doing that I guess.
I'm still on the fence, but wifey has suggested that I have individual therapy too, and I just really want this to work out, so I agreed. Not sure when that is happening though. As for the parties, I'm no longer going. Especially now that a baby's on the way, there is no need for a drink.
Last thing I need, really. I doubt that it'll go anywhere, but I'm also thinking of getting a new job, somewhere away from my, as you guys put it, "alc-$olic coworkers." Thank you for the blunt and harsh comments. Who knew that all it took was a bunch of internet strangers to tell me how wrong I was. It almost took my relationship too.
Here's what people had to say after the update:
patters1079 wrote:
As others had said she doesn’t need you just because she is having a child. There are tons of single mothers out there who say it was ten times better doing it alone than dealing with their husbands’ issues.
My sister is a single mom and while she struggles financially, she loves the freedom it gives her. She makes the decisions for her and her son. No more dealing with her ex’s bs. You need to do some major groveling.
I would find a thoughtful pregnancy gift for her. Plan a date night or something special for her. You need to show her YOU need HER. You messed up big leaving for your mother’s house for something so small. Right now she’s thinking she is about to have a child with a child. You need to sit down and have a long conversation apologizing for what you did wrong and explain how you won’t do it again.
I’m sure she’s concerned down the line if you have another disagreement when she doesn’t do something you want her to do. Is she always going to have that over head that you’ll just leave? And what happens when shit really gets real and there are actual hard issues at hand? Marriage is filled with tons of ups and downs. You can’t just run off like that.
OP responded:
I wish I saw this comment before we had a talk. Thank you so much, I'm going to buy a s#-^%oad of gifts as soon as I can. Thank you
cryssylee90 wrote:
“She needs me still.” So you don’t ACTUALLY care about your wife or her feelings, you think she can’t leave you because she “needs” you. You’re in for a rude awakening, your absence likely showed her she doesn’t need you at all.
Old_Beach2325 wrote:
What does she need you for? To yell at her? Or better yet, yell at the child? She’s a social worker, she’s seen the worst of the worst and you yelling at her when she found out she was pregnant could have been eye opening. Not knowing is not an excuse, you don’t talk to someone you supposedly love like that.
A little over 6 months later OP made this new post, "Am I wrong for siding with my wife instead of my therapist?"
Hey guys. You maybe remember me from a couple of months ago when I was having marital troubles. If you don't, here you go: I am a 34M and have a pregnant wife 27F. I came on here in August because I was an ignorant and misogynistic human being.
TLDR I was mad at my wife for not wanting to come to a dinner party with me and was declared a big jerk. I started going to couples counseling and personal therapy and really understand where I fked up. I stopped attending the parties altogether and lessened my hours to spend time with my wife.
Me and my wife are very happy, and after a lot of back and forth we decided to keep the baby. Things are going good, so good that we decided to stop doing couples counseling. I still go to my therapy. Here's the issue.
I was at my bi weekly session and the topic of my wife came up( he knows about our fight months ago) and I said we are good. He looked puzzled, so i asked what was wrong. He told me that he didn't think we'd still be together. He assumed I left her. I told him he was dead wrong and he started suggesting that I leave her. I asked why?
He started going on about the effects of the brain and how often times stress is linked to the people in your life. As of 2 weeks ago I cut off my mother so he assumed that I was completely free of anything form my "past life". I left 2 hours ago and can't stop thinking about it. I think I'm going to switch therapists of just stop it but i don't know.
Here's what people had to say to OP about this new post:
No one here knows enough to give any kind of medical or therapeutic advice, but you're free to find a new therapist. I find it odd he, as your therapist didn't have a better handle on what's going on on your life and it sounds like you're not thrilled with him. Not wrong to find a therapist you feel better about.
I'm working on my psychology degree, and I've been taught never to tell clients to make any life altering decisions because we will not be the ones to live with those decisions. We can talk about different options, help weigh pros and cons, but the decisions need to rest with the client or they're not learning to make healthy choices, they're just doing what they think will please people.
It also sounds very inappropriate to suggest to a client that they must leave their partner.
The therapist is also an idiot for not knowing that loneliness is also stressful, which OP might be if he lost both his wife and mother in close succession.
So... not entirely certain I read your last post. However...Your therapist was actually taken aback over the fact that you and your wife resolved things amicably?
I smell a therapist who is panicking that precious billable hours are gonna evaporate because you and your wife did, in fact, resolve your issues. "Wait! Therapy fixed things? How dare you! I insist you dump your wife at once ! I wanna see you here first thing tomorrow morning. Bring your checkbook..."
Very shady. I know from personal experience that good therapists celebrate your victories. Not whatever the hell this is.
Wow, I never really thought of it like that. A lot of other comments are telling me that I should report him, but I really didn't think it was that serious. I've always followed his advice up till now, and I think that I'm very happy...we will see.