'AITA for sterilizing myself against my partner’s wishes?' 'I lost all attraction and respect for him.' UPDATED 3X

"AITA for sterilizing myself against my partner’s wishes?"

I need some unbiased outside opinions because I truly feel like I’m going crazy dealing with this situation. I (28F) and my partner (28M) have 2 children together and have been married for 8 years, for those 8 years...

I’ve either been on birth control when we were preventing pregnancy or tracking my cycle when we were trying to conceive (adding this just to give the community the context that reproductive responsibility has always fallen on my shoulders).

Recently we discussed the possibility of being done with children since we have our 2 and the family really feels complete. My partner is in agreement that a third child is off the table for him as well. So with that I thought “great! I can bring up sterilization for either him or I..."

The reason I wanted this is because I’ve had every form of birth control before and none of them ever left me feeling 100% okay so I wanted to be done with birth control completely since we both agreed we’re done.

It’s been about 3 months since our talk about more children so I brought up either getting a vasectomy for him or me getting a salpingectomy (removing my fallopian tubes), what I thought would be a productive conversation completely blew up. He outright refused a vasectomy and when I was okay with that and said...

I’d happily get a salpingectomy he completely flipped his crap on me, screaming at me about how he forbids it from happening and he won’t allow me to damage myself like that. I ended up just leaving the conversation and headed to get our kids from school but on the way...

I ended up calling my gynecologist to schedule a consultation for the salpingectomy after making sure I won’t need my spouse’s approval. So AITA if I go through with the sterilization against my partner’s wishes?

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

snazzy_soul said:

He “forbids” you. Big NOPE on that.

vorpal_wombat said:

NTA: your body, your choice and no man can forbid you from controlling your reproductive destiny.

Wonderful_Fig6189 said:

Your body your choice. NTA.

OrchidMusee said:

NTA. It’s your body, your choice. He don’t get a veto. He wants control, not ur well-being. Go get that salpingectomy, girl.

LadyAime said:

Ew. He just tipped his hand to how he REALLY feels, and it's unsavory. You're NTA, and I hate that you're questioning that. Your body. Your choice. You're done with kids, and this is a logical step. Why does he feel this way so strongly on both of you? What has him so twisted?

Fredredphooey said:

NTA. Dude is going to try to get you pregnant again. His response is terrible and suspicious. Get it done in secret but be ready for him to leave you if he finds out but also be ready for baby 3 if you stay. I would be suspicious of someone who screamed at me because it speaks to uncontrollable rage.

UPDATE:

Due to the support and advice I found on here I managed to get the confidence and level headspace needed to try to have another conversation with my partner. After getting our children to their school/daycare for the day I went to our local coffee shop to pick us up each a cup, I figured it can either be seen as a show of care or a peace offering.

Once I got home he was sitting at our island doom scrolling through TikTok (I think we’ve all been there), I decided standing across from him would be a bit of a better choice so I gave us our respective cups and asked if I could get his attention for a conversation.

Well what I hoped would be productive turned unproductive quickly as he sighed with an eye roll and turned off his phone, I started by asking the big question of if he wanted anymore children, I even suggested he doesn’t think about what I said on the subject and just tell me his feelings about more children; with that he answered a firm no and told me as he said before a third child is and will always be off the table.

I then asked him if he had any fears or concerns about surgeries/medical procedures, he said no to this question as well. So I asked if he understood the procedure and what it entailed and he said yes he does which is why he doesn’t want me to get it done, in his words I wouldn’t be a woman if I got any part of my reproductive organs (what makes me a woman) removed and he refuses to allow me down that path.

I then followed up by asking about his getting a vasectomy and he said it’s pretty much the same thing for men and he won’t let anyone take away if manhood. The final question I managed to ask was did he just expect me to be on birth control forever and this man looked me in my face and said...

It’s worked so well for me already why change things up, guys as I stated in my previous post I am miserable and in debilitating pain with birth control. At the end of this I just grabbed my coffee and went sit on our porch just trying to wrap my head around the conversation while he sit in the house acting like nothing is wrong and we’re just having a normal day off together…

Here's what top commenters had to say about the update:

piscesxire said:

He genuinely does not care for you, your health, or your sanity. Chronic pain is not nothing. I’m sorry you’re experiencing this, but please make sure you’re safeguarding your own health before attempting to take his viewpoint. This is why people need to understand that “gender identity” isn’t a scary topic laced with hatred.

People just want to keep pushing the gender roles our grandparents had. This man genuinely thinks that him getting a vasectomy makes him less of a man and that his wife shouldn’t have a QOL procedure. I could see a sliver of a possibility of him having a point if both of y'all wanted kids, but y'all don’t.

NTA, and definitely recommend getting the procedure anyways. You shouldn’t be suffering on pills and hormones for him to be comfortable in your own skin.

Blau-Bird said:

This is messed up. Any removal or modification of reproductive organs de-sexes you?! I guess if you get cervical or ovarian cancer he expects you to DIE instead of treat it? Please leave this cave man.

EmpressXVenus said:

So he's already told you and shown you he doesn't care that you are in pain. What else can we tell you honey, he doesn't care for you in the same way you care for him.

Orionyss22 said:

Your husband seems to be perfectly OK with you suffering. Divorce him. Being a sadistic arse is a perfectly good reason for a divorce.

Electronic_Ladder398 said:

NTA, your husband is stupid. If you decide to stay with this man, just get it done without telling him, he'll never know anyways.

killr_cupcake said:

NTA for getting sterilized, yta if you stay with this sentient trashbag red pilled loser. For the well being of yourself and your children, run do not walk to the nearest exit.

SECOND UPDATE:

I just wanted to give a small update, I’ve been reading all of your comments on my last two posts I swear! I appreciate all the advice and kind words, sometimes even the unkind words because it gives me more to think about.

So to start I’ve been at my sister’s with the children all weekend, I told my husband that she was feeling lonely and wanted us to stay over, he believed it as we usually try to do this once a month.

I called off of work Monday so my sister and I can meet with the divorce lawyer that handled her divorce, I’m unsure if divorce will be the path I go down but I want to get my ducks in a row before laying it all down for my husband. Also I would like to answer some questions that I saw a lot of in my last post:

Yes I still plan to go through with the sterilization, I absolutely don’t want any more children even if this ends in divorce. I plan to tell him it’s getting done no matter what he says or believes.

There will definitely be no intimacy with him anymore, I feel like I lost all attraction and respect for him. The children don’t know what going on, they just think it’s a fun time at auntie’s house.

Condoms are a no, I exist because of a broken condom. I currently have an IUD and while yes it has been the best birth control I’ve been on I still cannot function properly for a week out of the month due to pain, bleeding, and depressive episodes.

No he hasn’t done anything like this before which is what caught me so off guard with everything. Disagreements in our relationship have up until now been able to be discussed and compromised on. We grew up in a deep catholic community but fell away from the church years ago.

Here's what top commenters had to say about the second update:

miriam-light said:

Sounds like you’re handling this like a total boss getting your ducks in a row, making informed choices, and not letting anyone guilt-trip you into something you don’t want. Love to see it. The “no intimacy” part and the whole losing attraction/respect?

Yeah, that’s a pretty solid sign this relationship is on life support. Getting a lawyer’s perspective is definitely the move, even if you’re not sure about divorce yet. And the condom comment? Valid. Your reasoning is airtight. Whatever happens next, just know you’re doing what’s best for you, and that’s what matters most.

Either_Management813 said:

I’ve been following this and I’m glad you’re managing so well under the circumstances. I’m sorry he flipped out. I find his idea that you’d be less of a woman worrisome for a few reasons.

What if you got some form of ovarian or uterine cancer? What if you got breast cancer? I hope none of that happens but in the best of worlds you will hit midlife, and how will he see you after menopause? As many have already told you, NTA, it’s your choice.

UkrainianKoala said:

I read both of the posts when they were posted. You're handling this really well. But the no attraction or respect to your husband is a sign that it's over.

Knittingfairy09113 said:

You are handling this very well. I'm sorry you're going through this situation and the discovery of this part of your husband, but despite that, you are making good choices to be prepared for multiple outcomes.

fading__blue said:

Don’t tell him you’re going through with it because he sounds unhinged enough to try and sabotage the surgery. If you must tell him, wait until after it’s done (preferably after you’ve moved out as well) and don’t be alone with him when you do.

kn0tkn0wn said:

He has no right to ever tell you that you cannot have a surgery like this. The idea that he would even think he had some say, makes him repulsive and a bit of sociopath and narcissist. Good for you. I hope it goes well.

THIRD UPDATE:

So I would like to start off by saying thank you everyone for the amazing support I’ve received throughout the comments and messages, I know I haven’t replied in awhile but I have been reading it all. Now to start off I’ll update everyone on the meeting with the lawyer, I was able to talk through my options as well as what legally would by my husband’s and what legally would be mine.

I know my next steps of things would lead to divorce and I feel confident in taking those steps if needed. After the meeting I went back home and got settled back in. I ended up just doing normal task until the kids got home and when my husband got home i suggested getting the children to bed early so we can talk, so we did just that.

He ended up starting the conversation by saying if I plan to get the sterilization then he wants a divorce because he can’t be with someone who doesn’t share his same values. At that moment I knew this was it for us, so I informed him of my consultation this week for the surgery and my intention to go through with it no matter what.

There was honestly a lot of back and forth, I want to say it lasted for 3 hours before he said he’s done and left the house. He’s been staying at his mom’s and hasn’t really asked about the children staying with him, I have offered per the suggestion of my lawyer but to no avail.

Currently I’m getting a legal separation agreement written up so hopefully start the divorce process peacefully or as peacefully as possible. The kids ask about him but I just keep telling them he’s helping grandma for a bit, I’m not sure how to tell them he won’t be back, thankfully my therapist suggested a children’s therapist to me so I plan to set them an appointment soon.

I’m honestly not too sure where everything went wrong with us, I always felt like we had true love but maybe I was just naive to any of the other signs.

Here's what top commenters had to say about the third update:

dstluke said:

Some advice; document everything because he's going to make this as ugly as possible. Remain calm and civil at all times and, no matter what, don't ever lose your temper. If you're going to meet with him try to have someone come with you.

MaskedCrocheter said:

NTA. HE'S the one who wants the option for more kids, but...(Checks notes) He's the one who walked out, isn't taking care of the current kids and hasn't even bothered to try and communicate with them?

Regardless of whether or not you stay single or find your real life white knight (princes and charm are overrated and useless) after the divorce -you're upgrading. Anything is better than this man child. Internet hugs for dealing with his drama.

Responsible-Kale-904 said:

You and your children are: N T A. Hopefully soon everything changes and is much different and BETTER.

Neat-Investment-3582 said:

I was a single mom to Special needs child. The ob told me that I wouldn't survive another pregnancy. The guy dating for 3 months dumped me. Because I didn't consider his feelings in the situation.

The year was 1999. Your body...your choice...stand tall chin up. Raising kids is a full-time job. I also raised step kids and nephews.

tmiantoo77 said:

That is so sad. But if he doesn't value his existing children higher than a potential future child, then what "values" is he even talking about?!

AggravatingWest2511 said:

I’m sorry you have to go through it. Not much to add over what has already been said. Just sending love to you and your kids.