'AITA for suggesting we name our baby after my ex/dead friend?' 'I refused to apologize.'
"AITA for suggesting we name our baby after my ex/dead friend?"
My husband (30M) and I (28F) are pregnant and thinking of baby names for our son due later this year. We’ve got a good list of names we love, but we’re still undecided. The other night I was up late with a bought of insomnia, thinking about when our baby is going to be a kid and what he’ll be like, and I remembered my childhood best friend, Lucas.
We were best friends from 5 until 15, when he passed away. About a month before he died, we started “dating," as in we held hands in the hall at school and kissed a handful of times. My husband knows about him as I have fond memories with him and he’s in a lot of my childhood photos.
He has never shown any disdain to me talking about Lucas. I also do not harbor any leftover romantic feelings for Lucas. I loved him, but we were not in love, just kids doing what kids do. He was my best friend and I miss him, but he is dead.
Lucas is a pretty timeless name with multiple variations, as well as a way to honor my childhood best friend, especially since he doesn’t have any siblings who could name their children after him. Plus, a lot of my and my husbands first name ideas have multiple syllables, so I thought a short middle name like Luke would help balance it out.
I suggested it and my husband hit the roof. He said me wanting to name our baby after an ex-boyfriend was gross and insulting to him as the father. He said if the baby should be named after anyone, it should be him.
I told him I wasn’t trying to be insulting and it was just an idea, not a name I was set on and him vetoing it was completely fine. I also said it wasn’t naming our baby after an ex, but an old friend. He’s still angry, though, and is demanding I apologize for disrespecting him as the father.
I refused to apologize because the suggestion wasn’t a way to disrespect him. It had nothing to do with him at all, it was just a way to pay homage to my friend. He said he’s not interested in brainstorming ideas anymore and has been giving me the cold shoulder ever since. AITA?
Later, OP edited the post to include:
I will be apologizing to my husband, a lot of people pointed out that whether I meant to offend him or not, his feelings were hurt and I do want to try and remedy that. I’m also going to try and have a conversation about how he feels about Lucas moving forward.
I now see a lot of people are getting caught by the ex part, as my husband is. I assumed it was clear that I do not still have feelings for Lucas. I do not wish I was having a baby with him instead.
He was not a childhood crush. As an adult, I know that we were pairing off because that’s what everyone else our age was doing and he was my very best friend, so why not? When he died, I mourned the death of a friend, not an ex lover.
I am also not trying to force this name on our baby. It was merely a suggestion because I thought it was sweet and it fit what we were looking for in names. If my husband says no, it’s a no. I don’t know why people thought I would do otherwise.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Peony-Pony said:
No judgement. When naming a baby it's best to agree to keep all the names of exes, even the innocuous ones, off the table because inevitably it leads to an argument. My husband wanted to name our son Jeffrey. I reminded him I had two exes named Jeff and they were both jagweeds. He'd forgotten and started to laugh and we picked another name.
Wifevsofficewife said:
Yta how do people not know that naming your baby after any of your ex's no matter the duration of the relationship is just a terrible idea. Its setting up for the baby daddy to think you would prefer that man to be the dad.
It may be an irrational thought from your perspective but how would you feel if he wanted to name your daughter after his ex. I'm not trying to be harsh I just don't think you thought this through.
ChickenScratchCoffee said:
Come on you knew this wasn’t going to be ok with him….or anyone really. Nobody wants their baby to be named after their partners ex. Doesn’t matter if you were 15, an ex is an ex to your partner. YTA for suggesting this.
WifeofBath1984 said:
NTA your husband is of course allowed to say no and you acknowledge that in your post. The anger is what gets to me. You were literally children and this was 15 years ago. Why did this suggestion make him so angry?
He seems insecure. I'm also strongly against giving the cold shoulder in a marriage. You can take time to calm down and then talk it through, but refusing to speak to the partner you've chosen to spend your life with is incredibly immature and hurtful.
heavymetalgirlie said:
NTA, your husband has overreacted.
Moose-Dependent said:
NTA It was just a suggestion. He's the one that escalated it to a fight. He didn't need to do that, he could have just said he didn't want to and y'all could have moved on. Giving you the cold shoulder over this is childish.
RoyalEnforcer said:
YTA. Not sure how you don’t see how this would be an issue. Even slight.
Stinkadore11 said:
YTA. If my husband suggested naming our baby after an ex, no matter how innocent he claimed it was, I would be mad too. I get that you say it wasn’t a real relationship but it’s still not cool and I would not push it. Lucas is a nice name but there are millions of other names that your husband won’t harbor resentment and negative feelings toward.