'AITA for taking back my request for my mom to walk me down the aisle at my wedding?'

"AITA for taking back my request for my mom to walk me down the aisle?​​​​​"

So my fiancée and I thought it would be sweet if we were both walked down the aisle by our parents at our wedding. For her that's both her moms and for me that's my mom. I lost my dad 11 years ago when I was 14. My mom was thrilled when I asked her and told me she was so excited to walk her baby boy down the aisle.

The problem came in when she told her husband that I wanted them to walk me down the aisle. Not just her like I explicitly stated. But her and her husband, who has never been my parental figure and only came into my life as an adult. He was excited about the prospect as well and he called me up and told me he was glad I was finally letting him step into the role of father figure

because he always wanted kids and he was proud to have a son. I had no idea where this came out of so I asked what he meant and he said the fact I wanted my mom and him to walk me down the aisle meant I was embracing him as a parent too. I told him I had not asked for both of them. I asked just my mom. He acted like I never spoke.

So I called my mom and asked where he got the idea I had asked him and she told me she hadn't seen it as a big deal because they're married and he's a good man and surely I'll want him to be grandpa to my future kids so including him in this shouldn't be such a big deal. I told her it is a big deal because he is not my parent and if anyone was going to be walking with us it would be dad,

but he's not here and because he's not here I don't want anyone else. I told her she needed to clear things up with her husband and she told me no. She said she would not crush him and I could man up and allow him the joy of experiencing this with us. I told her I was not going to walk with the two of them.

She told me it was too late to back out now and what harm would it do. She told me it would crush him to have it taken back. I told her he blatantly ignored me when I already told him and she defended it saying he was excited and wanted to be included.

I told her I wouldn't walk with her if she didn't fix this and she told me I had to walk with her, I already asked and she already accepted. Which is when I told her if that was her stance then I was taking back the offer for her and she could figure out what to tell the man she married.

All hell broke loose when I told my mom this and she told me I was behaving like a child and excluding a good man for no good reason as well as punishing her for trying to be a good wife. AITA?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

NapalmAxolotl said:

NTA. You offered a sweet gesture, and she completely screwed it up. Does she try to override your wishes on a lot of things, or just in regard to her husband? Is she going to create a bunch of drama at the wedding now?

OP responds:

This is all very new to me. My mom never did anything like this before, not even with her husband. But I never lived with him so maybe that's part iof the reason why.

Abstruse said:

So your mother decided all on her own to force her husband into a parental relationship with you without asking or consulting you, and is now acting like you have no choice but to go along with it?

So NTA and you should start mentally preparing yourself to uninvite them both and, depending on the level of drama your mother is capable of, putting passwords on vendors and talking with the venue about security.

Icy_Department_1423 said:

NTA. Your mom is being manipulative. There are lots of good men around, some of which will probably be guests at your wedding, none of which will be walking you down the aisle because they are not your parent. Congratulations on your upcoming nuptials.

Sea-Strategy-8815 said:

NTA. Your wedding your rules. Your mother was the major a-hole for telling her husband and changing everything because she wants good wife points. Maybe you can call your step-dad again.

Tell him you appreciate him wanting to be part of the family and you hope you can have a stronger relationship in the future, but this is not the correct way to do it. Forcing himself like this is only causing drama. Tell him you find their current actions are disappointing and harmful. Hopefully, he will get the hint.

Akitapal said:

NTA She is WAY out of line and disrespectful. Your wedding day is NOT the time to play “happy (replacement) families”. If he was not even an actual significant father figure when you were growing up then what she suggests will simply be hurtful to you cherishing memories of your real dad on your special day.

Can she and her new husband not understand, apart from what you clearly stated, that HIM walking with your mom will kinda blatantly rub it in for you in a very real, painful way that your father is not there. Tell her in your mind and heart you were envisaging your real dad would be walking next to her in spirit. That she has ruined this notion you had.

Tell her if she thinks you need a replacement dad on the day you would rather find someone else who DID actually in some way step in as a meaningful father figure or mentor, after your dad died, while you were still growing up. (Not that you would, just to make your point clear) Tell her that honour was essentially given to her but she totally ruined it.

Trevena_Ice said:

NTA. You had a very good reason. You had a dad. Someone who can't be there for you on your wedding day. You don't want her husband to take away that. She is acting like a child and going against your wishes. As she shows that her husbands feelings are more important to her, than those of her own son on his special day. You were completly rigth to tell her, that she can't walk you down the aisle after that.

And celticmusebooks said:

Drop her a note that says:

"Dear Mom. I was obviously hurt and disappointed when you chose not to walk me up the aisle without your husband-- but I accept and respect your choice and will not attempt to pressure you into changing your mind.

Fiancee and I though it would be a sweet moment to walk up the aisle with our parents-- but since you don't wish to participate we're just going to go the traditional route of the groom meeting the bride at the altar."

Don't allow her to bring up the subject again. NTA

Verdict: NTA.

Here are some additional comments from OP:

Both moms are her parents. One is not more or less her parent than the other. That is the difference. They were her parents since birth. My mother's husband is not my parent.

He showed up when I was never going to see him as any kind of parental figure. I never lived with him or had a parent-kid relationship with him. I know him only as the man my mom is married to.