'AITA for telling my dad and his wife that I don't regret missing their wedding?'
"AITA for telling my dad and his wife that I don't regret missing their wedding?"
My dad married "Eve" when I was 11. I wasn't at their wedding because my mom died a week and a half before the wedding. I wasn't in a good headspace to go and honestly, I had already disliked Eve since she was very pushy about wedding stuff and wanting me to play a very specific part in the wedding, to the point where I felt like I was being set up to basically be stuck with her 4 year old daughter the entire day.
Dad and Eve basically harassed me that whole morning until they left to come. They would not let it go. I ended up staying with my (maternal) grandma the entire day. My dad and Eve were really not happy with me. Eve said her daughter was really sad not to have her new sister beside her that day.
Less than a year later my dad and Eve had my twin half siblings. They as well as my stepsister were told a lot about the wedding and how I missed it and was "super sad" that I didn't get to be there. They claimed I was sick. I won't lie, it did bother me.
In the last couple of months my stepsister and half siblings (now 6 and 10) have asked me why I don't act sad that I missed the wedding. My stepsister said I don't act like I'm upset that we didn't get to do our sister dance at the wedding, something that she revealed to me and I was never told about by my dad or Eve. She also said I never act excited when dad and Eve talk about redoing their wedding with all of us there.
I confronted my dad and Eve about the whole sister dance and they said it was something they had planned to surprise us both with at the wedding, but I ruined it. We got together with dad's family Saturday. Eve brought up the wedding and was reminiscing about the almost perfect day and stuff like that.
Dad's family were like yeah, it was such a difficult time for the family though after I lost mom and had my life turned upside down. Eve and dad were like oh yeah, OP really regrets not being at the wedding and it's such a shame we couldn't help her make it.
My dad's family all looked very confused about the statement. Eve commented that it was such a shame I hadn't got the foresight to realize I'd regret missing out back then.
That put me over the edge and I told them I did not regret missing their wedding. That their wedding was not some big important day for me, especially not after I lost my mom. I told them I was in the worst stages of grief still and I was harassed the whole morning of the wedding by them.
I said if I had really wanted to go I would have. And that the lies they kept making up and telling everyone were disgusting because most people who know me know I had just lost my mom and didn't give a rats a$s about the wedding.
Dad and Eve did not like what I said but, my grandparents and aunts and uncles all said I was right. But Eve and dad said I should have a better attitude and I not only hurt them but my stepsister and half siblings by revealing how little I cared about the creation of our family. AITA?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
fallingintopolkadots said:
NTA. Good heavens, Eve needs to get the hell over herself. It's her own damned fault you weren't at the wedding -- they could have had the forethought to postpone in light of the death of your mother.
To even think that you'd be all "yay wedding" so soon after losing her, to say little of their appalling pressure to you on their wedding day a week and a half after losing your mother, is ridiculous. You were 11! You needed support and understanding and to have your father on your side.
That Eve is still harping on about it years and years and years later... wow. Woman needs therapy or something. The fact that everyone else save for Eve and your dad and your young siblings (who have been listening to Eve all their lives) are understanding of why you didn't attend their wedding shows that you are not at fault in any shape or form. It's horrible and cruel of Eve and your dad to hold this against you and try to make you feel things that you won't feel.
They don't get to tell you how to feel. I'm sorry that their carrying on basically forced you to spill a truth you knew would likely upset them, but it's their own fault for thinking of themselves and their little world and not thinking of how you were obviously grieving -- they're holding a completely 100% understandable reaction (for any human, not just a child) who lost a parent against you), which is especially terrible since you were a young child and yes, your life had been turned upside down.
DragonCelica said:
NTA and I desperately want this to be a creative writing exercise, because your dad and stepmom's selfishness is staggeringly cruel. They're trying to rewrite history into a narrative they find complimentary to them, with no thought to how it twists a knife in your heart every time. They've repeated this fairytale of theirs so often, they think they have everyone believing it.
Your pain cannot be overwritten by their egotistical need to make your sadness about them. Your loss was already painful enough, but your dad made it even worse. It was his job to give your breaking heart a soft place to fall. He failed.
You don't have to remain silent. Speak to your aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins, or whoever you feel safest opening up to. Let them reassure you that you've done nothing wrong. Hopefully they can speak up on your behalf.
Your stepsister and half-siblings pain is on your dad and stepmom. They created the bubble that could be burst by the truth: of course you were sad on their wedding day, you're mom just passed!
I'm so sorry honey. As you can tell, your story got to me. I know I'm just an internet stranger, but I wish I could give you the motherly hug you deserve (only if hugs are acceptable of course). Do what you need to to take care of yourself, okay?
archetyping101 said:
NTA. Your dad and eve are the AHs. You were grieving the loss of your mother. Only a week and a half had gone by. If they were rich, they could have postponed the wedding even though that would have meant a lot of pissed off guests but I'm sure they would have understood given the circumstances.
I don't get why they lied. Just say you didn't attend because you were obviously and naturally of course grieving the loss of your mom and that you were missed but that they understood. Way to guilt a 11 year old.
NewZookeepergame9808 said:
NTA. I’m so sorry they are STILL talking about this wedding like 7 years later, and getting small children who wouldn’t know any better AND shouldn’t care all whipped up into a frenzy. I didn’t realize bridezilllas stay bride Zilla for years to come.
She must be boring if all she still talks about is a damn wedding. I’m sorry for your loss, and I’m sorry your own father has zero empathy for you.
coastalkid92 said:
NTA. They're clearly living in their own little world of delulu. It's okay that they're disappointed that you missed the wedding which was supposed to be the start of their life as a blended family but they were/are adults in that situation and should have seen the grief of a little girl being bigger than a wedding.
Also, it's a little bit of an AH move on their part to say that you don't care about the creation of the family. You can still care about your siblings without the involvement of a wedding.
Spare-Article-396 said:
NTA your dad and Eve are unimaginable level aholes. This is almost unbelievable that a father would marry less than two weeks after mom dies (even if they were divorced which it sounds like), and expect his daughter to be ok going to the wedding. And what’s with them holding a grudge all these years later? That’s insane.