'AITA for telling my dad he failed as a father after he refused to attend my wedding?'

"AITA for telling my dad he failed as a father after he refused to attend my wedding and told my husband to fix my attitude?"

My(24f) dad divorced mom when I was around 10. Growing up , he was rarely physically present for us. He did pay child support and helped us with education expenses but it always looked liked he was being the 'dad' in our lives by using his money only and not actually being there for us.

I sent him my wedding invitation and he said he will surely come (He only lives at one hour drive away from us.) My mom made me ask him if he is willing to walk me down the aisle and secretly I wanted that too but he politely refused which was of course very hurtful but I let it go and one of my brothers volunteered for this.

On the eve of wedding , he called my mom to say that he can't come because his wife has fever. That was honestly my breaking point. It would be an acceptable excuse if she was actually really sick but just down with FEVER and he is ready to skip his only daughter's wedding. He asked my mom if he could talk to me since I wasn't picking up his calls and mom refused because she was just as hurt.

He sent cash as gift on my wedding day and I sent it back because accepting it would be a slap on my face I think. I texted him that I am not that little girl anymore who he could make it up to using money and blocked him . I do not know if I overreacted but I am beyond frustrated and hurt by his behaviour.

A few days later , he showed up at my house with a gift in kind this time and it was expensive. He apologised for not showing up earlier . I was more angry at him again bringing gift than not coming to the wedding that I blew up . I told him he failed as a father and he needs to stop trying to make up everytime using his money.

He got mad at me and told my husband(29) to fix my attitude . My husband replied that its not attitude but resentment towards him for never being there for me. Now my dad is super mad at all of us and told my mom that he was trying to 'fix' his relationship with me and wanted to be on good terms with my husband and I let this situation escalate to the point where my husband sees him as a bad father.

Now he has not only a damaged relationship with his only daughter but he is also disliked by his son in law. It seems to me that he is more concerned about what my husband thinks of him than me being upset because of him.

My mom who was not present there believes I misbehaved with my dad and made my husband disrespect him . I do not know what to feel anymore. My mom thinks I am the one at fault this time and I should've just accepted his apology and gift and my dad is acting all hurt and upset. My husband thinks he does not deserve to stay in my life . AITA?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

My_Panache said:

NTA. I'm honestly confused on how you think you are in any way TA here. Being a parent is a lot more than a financial obligation, and my jaw dropped just reading that after everything he declined to walk you down the aisle. And then told your spouse to fix your attitude?

Your husband did what any decent husband would do- which is have your back. You have done nothing wrong here. The onus is on your father to repair a relationship that he never took part in.

ohheyitsthathoopgirl said:

From experience, because I have a dad like this, I can tell you’re hurt that this man all but abandoned you as a child. He was present enough to say he was your father, but wasn’t present in the ways you really needed him to be.

As an adult, you’re hoping to have a relationship with a different, more honorable man than the one who raised you, but you’re setting yourself up for heartbreak expecting him to be someone he’s not. This is who he is, this is who he’s been, this is who he will continue to be.

All you can do now is either accept the limited relationship you are able to have with him, knowing that this is who he is and expecting nothing more from him, or grieve for the relationship you wish you could have with him and try to move forward. NTA.

Accomplished_Water34 said:

NTA. You're entitled to your feelings. Your father telling your husband to 'fix your attitude' is way out of line. Even so, I hope your dad will be able to make things right between you two. But that's on him.

tatersprout said:

NTA. He has been given chance after chance and failed. He is behaving this way because he always gets his way and doesn't think anything is wrong with his behavior. You and your husband called him out and aren't playing his game anymore. Cut him out of your life. He's toxic.

Shut down your mother every time she brings it up. It's not her place. Let her know you won't be discussing your father anymore and to stop being his flying monkey.

Primary-Criticism929 said:

NTA. You have the right to be mad. You have the right to express being mad. Not only is your father a shitty parent, but telling your husband to "fix your attitude" is just beyond words. He doesn't even respect you enough to consider you as a person and see you as property. You should go NC with him and LC with your mother if she keeps saying that you need to apologize to your "father".

And [deleted] said:

Nta - Your feelings are valid and frankly yea he is trying to buy your good graces. Your mother is confusing however. Either way you don't have to have a relationship with the man if you no longer want to.

Commenters agreed: NTA. Do you agree?