Mom’s 'tough love' comments on weight ignite bride's decision to assert independence. AITA?
"AITA for telling mom I will buy my own dress after she called me fat?"
Academic_Bear5911
Hi! I (19F) have a wedding to attend that is of some friends of my boyfriend. My mom (51F) offered to help me get ready. For context, my mom is gorgeous. She used to model.
She has always been incredibly beautiful and she has an awesome body. My two brothers (33 and 31M) take after her, and are both handsome men. I am the only daughter, and as such, I think she expected someone like her.
I am not like her. I was very thin when I was a kid, but I was a tomboy and hated everything feminine. Then puberty hit, and I gained a lot of weight. I’m not obese but I am your average chubby person. 77kg at 165cm: overweight but not overly so I guess. Also I don’t look a lot after myself in the sense that I don’t really go out of my way to do skincare, makeup, etc.
I love my mom, and she does truly love me, but she isn’t a kind person. All through my teenage years, she made a lot of harsh comments about my appearance and my weight.
I’m a sensitive person, so this used to affect me a lot. I can usually take criticism fairly enough if it’s phrased nicely, but I can’t take it if there’s even a hint of mockery or meanness in it.
Anyway, it’s not that big of a deal now. Years back I was honest with mom that her comments really affected my self esteem and she seemed to tone it down. Occasionally she will still do it but not often. She just can’t help herself, I think, it’s her way of showing love but it makes me hate myself.
When I’m next to her she will scan my face for pimples and if she finds one she will actively ignore me to pop them, or I will be doing something alone and she will come over to comment that my hair looks bad and I need to use this different product, or I will be walking and she will comment that my belly is large and I should go to the gym. Things like that. I know they aren’t bad but I can’t take it.
To the situation at hand: she was giving me dresses to use to the wedding. We have always shared dresses, so this isn’t news. One of the dresses she lent me was one that she used two years ago at my graduation.
I put it on, and it was pretty tight. Her and my aunt tried to force it to close but it was struggling. I said that they should stop but they continued to force it and the zipper basically broke down completely. When it happened, my mom blurted out “wow, you really are fat.”
My aunt burst out laughing and started teasing me about being chubby. I just kept silent. We tried on a few more dresses, I chose a pretty one that fit well and was elastic, and that was that.
Then, afterward, my mom asked me if I really had been going to the gym and said that I would have to suck in my belly during the wedding so it didn’t show so much in the dress I picked. I got fed up and told her that I was sick of her comments, and would buy my own dress to go.
Mom thinks I blew up at her for nothing and am about to spend money over a tantrum. My siblings think I’m being dramatic and that I’m just mad I’m fat. My friends and boyfriend think I’m right. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Thortok2000
NTA. You are an adult now. You have mistakenly convinced yourself that you set a boundary and that 'toning it down' was good enough. Boundaries aren't "cross my line less." Boundaries are "don't cross my line at all ever." You need to make that clear. Years back you negotiated your boundary as a child. It's time to do it again, as an adult.
Academic_Bear5911 (OP)
Thank you for the judgment. Yeah, it’s just kind of hard to set hard boundaries when it comes to parents.
Mobile_Following_198
NTA. Your mom is not just mean but insecure. She likely is trying to compete with you (intentionally or not) and feeling jealous, because you will always have something she doesn't: you're significantly younger than her.
In her mind, she almost always hears that tagline "for her age" whenever someone calls her beautiful. While I don't believe that ageist garbage, shallow people like her almost always do.
So she likely feels compelled to point out your flaws to make herself feel better, because her own happiness and self-esteem are worth more to her than the side effect of hurting you. Plus, keeping your self-esteem low makes you less of a competitor in her eyes.
CardiologistNo8766
You are hardly obese and if you are healthy and happy with yourself than that's what matters. Don't allow anyone to make you hate yourself or to make you feel less worthy. This is the only body you get and it's the one that allows you to experience all the things in this world. If it is big or small is irrelevant! Be grateful for it and protect yourself. Sending you lot's of love!
negligiblespecies
NTA, if you want to be petty, start calling her old. People like that hate to be reminded that they'll age.
exnerate
Your mother is actively bullying you. There is no way in hell that any of these comments are meant with love or have good intentions. NTA.
caibella
Your mom is the AH. I admire how you are trying to forgive her for saying and doing those things but they're really not okay and horrible to say or do to your daughter.