'AITA for telling my mom she can't waltz back into my life and expect me to be happy?' UPDATED

If there's one thing most human beings hate, it's facing the consequences of their actions.

"AITA for telling my mom she can't waltz back into my life and expect me to be happy about it?"

My (14) parents had me when they were 18. My mom was from a wealthy family, but not my dad. She also had aspirations to become a movie star, so when I was five she let my dad and paternal grandparents have me. She thought me and my dad would be a liability. My maternal grandparents also sent some money to help over the years.

She recently visited me and my dad. Told him she missed him. He rebuffed her, so she asked me if I could help her win him back. She thought that I could convince him to give her another chance. I told her no. When she asked why, I said the thing in the title.

It clearly hurt her a lot. She said I don't understand how difficult it's been for her to stay away and that she's been 'dealing with an enormous amount of guilt.' That I shouldn't rub salt in her wound.

People had a lot to say in response.

hardfivesph wrote:

NTA. She’s looking for you to relieve her guilt for the time she has lost rather than looking to see what she can do to make your life better with the time she has left. This is NOT your fault and she, as an adult, should know better. While I generally say it is better to have a mom in your life than not, it doesn’t sound like she is making an effort so no sense in dwelling on her for too long.

werthtrillions wrote:

The mother's lack of accountability is astounding. Not to mention making her child responsible for her feelings of guilt...it's not a child's job to regulate your emotions, she might have discovered that if she was an actual mother and stuck around. How do you come back into a child's life requesting help for winning the father back?! To call her a mother would be to insult actual mothers.

PellyCanRaf wrote:

NTA. That was exactly the appropriate response, and she should be embarrassed that her 14-year-old child had to explain reality to her. You did a good job.

crypticXmystic wrote:

NTA. She is. At least the grandparents were there to help out some but she left and was missing for all of the difficult and important parts. Hopefully your dad has gotten over her. You would both be better served by helping him find love in a partner that deserves you both.

AD041010 wrote:

NTA my MIL abandoned my husband and his brother when his parents divorced. She wanted to open their marriage on her end he didn’t they split she left but didn’t want to take the kids with her. It was a nasty fight and his dad was awarded sole custody of both boys in the early 90s. They went so long without hearing from her that one time she did call and my husband didn’t know who she was.

She’s attempted to come back into his life as an adult and play the mom card. Tried causing drama with our wedding because she didn’t get the mom privileges she didn’t earn. My husband basically told her at best they’d could be distant friends but she’d never be his mom because she never did anything to earn that title.

We have a friendly relationship with her but it doesn’t reach much beyond Facebook friends and occasionally seeing her if she happens to come to town. Just like my MIL your mom didn’t earn the right to be mom or part of your life and you’re under no obligation to let her back into your life if you don’t want to.

Not long after, OP jumped on with an update.

UPDATE: A couple of hours ago, I went to have lunch with my mom and told her that she made her choice. She admitted that it was a big mistake, asking me again if I’d help her. I told her no, and that it is up to her if she wants dad back. That it’s her job to make it up to him if she can. I can not help her with this.

The comments kept rolling in.

Abstruse wrote:

NTA.

"Hi child I haven't seen in 9 years, will you be my wingman? Oh, BTW, happy birthday happy birthday happy birthday happy birthday happy birthday happy birthday happy birthday happy birthday happy birthday. We cool now?"

greatness2039483 wrote:

NTA - She made her choice by leaving u two. Whatever issues she has is not on you. Don’t let her emotionally manipulate u into helping her. Ur dad clearly has a reason for rebuffing her.

nursepenguin36 wrote:

NTA. Her dreams of Hollywood stardom fell through, so now she’s telling herself well at least I have a child who can lavish me with attention and adoration. Yeah no. Your response was perfect. She walked away from you because you were dead weight and an impediment to her “career”. She doesn’t get to waltz back in a be the adored mommy.

Worldly_Instance_730 wrote:

NTA. She failed at acting, probably failed at whatever else she tried, and is now crawling back. Stay strong, if she genuinely wants a relationship, she'll do the work to earn it.

Emotional_Fee_5612 wrote:

She doesn't really want you or your father. She has no one and nothing else and so has reverted back to you two for a means if support. Disgusting really, especially since you, a minor are involved 😒 so sorry this is happening and your mother is a selfish jerk for using you.

Yes..she is simply using you to get what she wants (somewhere to stay and eat for free because she is broke af). Why else is she back? You have mentioned no reason has been given by her for suddenly popping back up. Maybe she is: 1. Running from the law. 2. Running from a man. 3. Stony ass broke.

Past_Gear_4310 wrote:

NTA. She fed you a load of horsesh**t. In this day and age of internet and face time you could have had a great long distance relationship. She didn’t want that. She wanted to play around and pretend she didn’t have a son. Try not to take it personally.

Many woman are born without the maternal instinct. She is broken. When you get older you will have the choice to cut her out of your life completely. Surround yourself with people you love and love you.

One thing is for sure, OP is definitely NTA.