'AITA for telling my adoptive parents I feel anger towards them for how they handled the adoption?'

"AITA for telling my adoptive parents I feel anger towards them?"

I 19F was adopted at birth. I don’t know this until I was 17. I found out in the worst way possible. My grandpa was dr-nk and told me. I asked my parents and they confessed. They called me ungrateful for asking.

After finding out I was adopted a lot of things suddenly made sense. My parents family often excluded me from things like family pictures and reunions. My mom would fight it (sometimes) but it wouldn’t help. It felt like I never fit in. When I turned 18 I moved in with my roommate.

She said it might be cool to find out who my biological parents are. I asked my parents and once again I get called ungrateful. I didn’t know were to look from there. My roomie suggested one of those ancestry DNA tests to find a match. We did that and boom, I got into contact with my biological uncle via email and soon after that, phone. After that he told my biological mother about the situation.

She freaked out. We met and it was an amazing experience. I love her and I want to make a point that this does not take away from the love I have for my adoptive parents. I just hate how they covered it up. I got to meet the rest of my bio family as well. Since my parents treated me as ungrateful for asking questions about my biological family I didn’t tell them.

I did, however, recognize that I would need to tell them eventually. I knew they would be angry but it had to happen. I visit them every so often. Keeping this secret from them was starting to make me feel guilty so I decided to tell them yesterday. I texted my mom asking if I could come over for dinner.

She said yes and I had a conversation with them with all my siblings present. This made me uncomfortable but if my parents found out, they would find out as well. It all started well. My dad stated how she was happy to see me come over to eat with them. Well, a few minutes later I told them.

Their initial reaction was one of shock. My mom asked my siblings to go to their room so she and my father could talk to me alone. To my surprise, they weren’t angry. They asked my why I did it. I told them the truth. Curiosity got the best of me. I thought my blood was theirs for 17 years and when I found out it wasn’t, I had to find out where it comes from.

They asked in what way could I forget everything they did for me and that family is more than blood connections. I told them I didn’t forget. I was just angry at them for hiding the fact from me. My biological parents gave me up because they were poor and lived in a rural area with little opportunity for them. That actually made me more grateful for my parents.

My mom got really offended by this. How I could feel anger towards her was incomprehensible for her and my father. I told them it’s best I should leave. My mom told not to come back until I learned some gratitude and learned to appreciate family. I’m sorry for any typing mistakes I made. I’m typing this at night and this is a stressful situation. AITA?

The internet had a lot to say in response.

lipgloss_addict wrote:

She said not to come back until you can appreciate family?

Ouch. Please get therapy. This is really hard and above the internet's pay grade.

Imo you did absolutely nothing wrong.

Impossible_Disk_43 wrote:

NTA. When people adopt, the idea is that the child is treated exactly as their own. By allowing the extended family members to mistreat you, they did not do right by you and I expect they know this. You were also wronged by the secrecy around the adoption.

You are not being ungrateful by doing what most adopted children think of doing. Blood relatives are a mystery in most families, but for adopted ones, it's magnified. Please don't feel guilty.

RoyallyOakie wrote:

NTA...your adoptive parents have mentioned gratitude way too many times. You don't have to feel grateful. It's they who have some lessons to learn.

MorriganNiConn wrote:

I think it is a horrible thing that some adoptive parents have the mistaken belief that the child(ren) they adopt owes them gratitude for anything. That makes the whole thing transactional and manipulative.

You have every right to feel angry with them. It's 2025. They should have been telling you your adoption story by the time you were in Pre-K and then all the way through to HS or until you told them you didn't need to hear any more. You're NTA.

Western_Fuzzy wrote:

NTA. You’re a human being and they made a choice to adopt. You’re not a rescue, and you don’t need to be grateful in the way they mean it. You should never have been othered or allowed to be othered by other family members. I’m a foster kid, and my foster mom always drummed it into me that I was her kid.

She took me in when I was 12 and now I’m 37. I’ve been “her daughter” this whole time. We had a disagreement recently and she told me that I should “be grateful” that “she took me in” (along with some other choice things) - undoing all of the years that she told me I belonged. People who adopt or similar need to understand that we are human beings, with our own histories, experiences, and needs.

I will always be grateful to her because life would have probably been a lot worse had she not stepped up. However, that doesn’t mean that we have to be indentured or give up our agency and personhood to bow to them.

You’re an adult who was lied to for years.

It sounds like they never intended on telling you, which essentially would have denied you of your history. Of course you’re going to ask when someone dr-nkenly tells you that. They can’t throw gratitude in your face every time you do something that upsets them. It broke my relationship with the woman I’ve called “mom” for 25 years. If they continue, they run the risk of doing the same.

You and I, as well as all other children taken in whether it be adoption or otherwise deserve to be respected as individuals. We aren’t tools for people to feel good about themselves or marvel at their charity. We shouldn’t have to make ourselves small to appease those who made the decision to be our parents.

I hope your adoptive parents find the right way to deal with this and you can move forward in a more equitable direction together. I’m also happy that you have found a good relationship with your birth mother. You, your curiosity about your roots, your roots, and your agency are valid. Don’t let anyone tell you any different.