'AITA for telling my boss that I wasn't invited to my coworker's wedding shower?'
"AITA for telling my boss that I wasn't invited to my coworker's wedding shower?"
I (26F) just started at a new job. I quickly realized that one of my colleagues, “Marie” is engaged and is getting married within the next 2 months. It seemed like the whole office was attending the wedding.
I absolutely did not expect an invite. She just met me, weddings are planned in advance, venues booked, etc. My friend actually just got married so I saw first hand how it all worked. I could tell Marie wondered if I was expecting an invitation and was hesitant to bring up the wedding around me, but I just never made it a big deal. I don’t feel left out in the slightest.
Then, I got CC’d on an e-mail from someone that the office, Joan, throwing Marie a shower during our lunch hour in the break room in a couple of weeks. Joan was sending out a collection so we could give a group gift (cash) to Marie.
They also suggested we make it a potluck. Joan included her Venmo and also asked we e-mail back with what we planned on bringing. Even if I’m not going to the wedding, I still believe everyone deserves to be celebrated and Venmo’d the $20, as well as sent a reply saying I’d bring lasagna.
A little later, I saw the $20 had been returned to my Venmo and Joan approached my desk. She said I didn’t need to contribute. I said even if I’m not attending the wedding, I’d still like to give Marie a little something.
Joan looked a little awkward and hemmed and hawed but then eventually said “You’re not invited to the shower”. I was confused. I said “I can’t go in the company break room on lunch hour?”
She said yes. I asked where am I supposed to go? I don’t drive (I take public transit to/from work), we don’t really work near anywhere I could go to quickly for our lunch hour. She said I could stay at my desk.
I pointed out this was a little exclusionary. Joan said Marie didn’t want me to assume I was invited to the wedding. I said I don’t at all. I completely understand I haven’t worked here long and we’re not close enough. I’m not hurt by that.
She said that’s great, but I still can’t come. I asked if I had done anything to offend Marie and she said no. She just doesn’t want me “getting my hopes up”. I finally let it go and just said fine, have a good party. The day of the shower, I sat at my desk during the party while everyone else went, eating my lunch alone. One kind person snuck me a piece of cake.
Halfway through the party, the “big boss” came in. She usually doesn’t work on Fridays, so it was a surprise to see her. She saw me sitting at my desk and asked why I wasn’t at the party.
I told her I hadn’t been invited. She was clearly perturbed by this. Later on, she sent an e-mail out banning parties of any kind during work hours. A few people, Joan and Marie included, realize I’m the one who told. They’ve now turned on me.
Some friends say I’m in the wrong here and that I should’ve lied to the big boss and said I was busy with work to finish or something, so as not to ruin it for everyone else. AITA?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
WHY WERE YOU CC'D ON THAT F^&#$%G EMAIL FOR VENMO PAYMENT/ASKING FOR "WHAT ARE YA'LL BRINGING" IF YOU WEREN'T INVITED? That's enraging
Far_Pay8487 OP:
There are "e-mail groups" that make it easy to CC everyone on a group e-mail. I assume they forgot to delete me from it and then things were awkward. But I also wonder what the plan was day of if I hadn't gotten the e-mail? If I just walked into the breakroom to have my lunch and there was this party? Would they have asked me to leave? It's just very weird.
NTA. I have been to wedding showers but not the wedding. Honestly, weddings are $ to host OR attend and there have been times I'd rather not have to go through the expense of buying a dress-esp since any dress I buy will likely need tailoring due to my frame. Not sure why they had to go all mean girl.
I feel like if in the break room them all is invited! Honestly I agree with the bosses new rule. If everyone isn't invited, then it lends itself to office politics of the worst kind and effecting the vibes.
Far_Pay8487 OP:
Right, I didn't say this but I did have the thought "I honestly would rather not attend a wedding of someone I'm not close to, so I'm not offended at all". But I was trying to be nice!
OP you were very deliberately excluded. You did nothing wrong. OP you gracefully accepted your banishment to your desk. When asked, you just said you weren’t invited. You didn’t ruin it for everyone,,,the optics of one person being deliberately excluded did that.
Just keep being professional and polite to everyone. Believe it or not, there are several people in the office you were most likely appalled you were excluded. Eventually this will blow over when the next office drama occurs. Lying doesn’t work. NTA
Far_Pay8487 OP:
I was told by a few colleagues that they didn't find it fair, especially the kind soul that snuck me some cake. I know I have some allies here, which is why I plan to stick out this job.
NTA. They used company resources and excluded someone in the company. That's against HR policy I'm sure. They didn't "not" invite you, they deliberately *blocked* you from going and TOLD you to stay at your desk.
They deserved what they got. Time to grey rock them. "Sorry, boss asked me a direct question and I assumed you were going to tell her the truth so I wasn't going to lie and possibly get in trouble." Marie and Joan are mean girls. Period. Document any retaliation ASAP.
Your boss was angry and banned office parties probably because she is trying to prevent a hostile work environment, which is precisely what is happening now that the others are starting to harass you in retaliation. Please document everything and report it to your boss and HR. CYA always.
Not how that works. A work shower is for everyone, not just people invited to the wedding. Joan is clueless about office etiquette.
NTA. They're the ones who made the choice to do an exclusionary thing. You didn't tattle on them to the big boss, the boss asked you why you were sitting at your desk/weren't at the party, you explained.
All Marie had to do was be a gracious person and include you in the office gathering. You were fine with a $20 contribution and lasagna, and she didn't have to be weird about you not going to the wedding. Joan and Marie are the AHs here.
NTA - they sound like high school mean girls. You were so kind to offer money and lasagna. Sorry that happened you to!
WHY WERE YOU CC'D ON THAT FREAKING EMAIL FOR VENMO PAYMENT/ASKING FOR "WHAT ARE YA'LL BRINGING" IF YOU WEREN'T INVITED?
That's enraging.
Far_Pay8487 (OP)
There are "e-mail groups" that make it easy to CC everyone on a group e-mail. I assume they forgot to delete me from it and then things were awkward. But I also wonder what the plan was day of if I hadn't gotten the e-mail? If I just walked into the breakroom to have my lunch and there was this party? Would they have asked me to leave? It's just very weird.
People who advise you lie to your boss are the ones you need to report to your boss. You also need to report the two that instigated this to HR and I would resign from a company if this is the type people they have working for it.