'AITA for telling my BF I don't care about his trauma after he lashed out at my birthday?'

"AITA for telling my boyfriend I don't care about his trauma?"

I (26F) have been dating my boyfriend Adam (25M) for a year. He knows I'm on the spectrum and that I love arcades and retro games. As a kid, I spent hours playing games with my brother, and we had a tradition of going to arcades on our birthdays. My brother passed away before I went to college, which hit me hard, but I kept up the birthday tradition and it's been very healing.

Before my birthday, I started making plans to spend time at an arcade with Adam and some of our mutual friends. Adam is unemployed and said he had time to help organize, but he didn't bring it up again so I planned on my own. I know that not everyone enjoys games and it was a weeknight, so I let people know that they weren't obligated to come and they're free to leave whenever.

I also told Adam, who insisted on staying the whole time. On my birthday, everyone was enjoying the arcade—except Adam. He was on his phone in a corner the whole night, and when I asked if he wanted to play, he said he was fine just watching. I asked him if he was okay and he snapped and told me to quit asking.

Friends were shocked, since Adam is usually chill, and throughout the night people were taking me aside and asking if everything was alright between us. Regardless, we had a pretty good time. When I got home I called Adam to see if he was okay.

He started venting about how he was made fun of in middle school at an arcade, that going to the arcade had brought up traumatic memories for him, and he didn't appreciate that we kept "pressuring" him to play. I was taken aback and told him that we just wanted to include him, but he said that he felt attacked and singled out.

I apologized and reminded him that he'd been free to leave, but he replied that he would've looked like a dick for leaving his GF behind on her birthday. He said, "Happy birthday though" and hung up. Maybe it's childish for an adult to care so much about their birthday, but I'd been excited to spend time with friends and continue my brother's tradition, so I was hurt.

The next time we met, I told Adam that I wish he'd been upfront about how he feels about arcades and that he should've waited to tell me my birthday made him feel like crap instead of literally the night of.

He told me that he can't control his PTSD and told me to think from his POV, but I was annoyed by that point, so I told him I don't care about his trauma right now and he needs to learn how to communicate. The conversation didn't end well. When I talked to my friends, some told me that I was overreacting, while others said I have a right to be upset.

Adam texted that it wasn't okay for me to dismiss his feelings and that he's available whenever I'm ready to "talk like an adult." I just feel really confused, because I'm not used to seeing this side of him, and while I do regret telling him that I don't care about his trauma, I also think he should've communicated better. AITA?

The internet did not hold back one bit.

Complete_Breakfast_1 wrote:

NTA. He failed to communicate his thoughts and feelings with you that his problem not yours. Spectrum or no spectrum you're not a mind reader, none of us are. Instead he bottled up his problems playing the "martyr" when no one asked him to do until he cracked under the pressure that no one but him put on himself but himself.

I'm not saying break up with him and everyone is different but I've been that emotionally challenged individual that lashed out at others based on problems I created in my own mind before, hell I am not even sure if I am not that person anymore.

What I can say about him though based on my own experiences is that even the best of people are not likely to complete such journey and unlearn those kind of unhealthy behaviors in a short amount of time.

Do you really want to be stuck in a relationship with someone who is capable of communicating so poorly and behaving so irrationally for god knows how long? If he ever even changes?

WhyAmIStillHere86 wrote:

NTA. He’s in his 20s, he’s old enough to manage his triggers, either by leaving or telling you he was feeling pressured. My twin drowned over a decade ago, and it took forever for me to go back in the water.

My partner was hugely supportive in this, they were trying to exercise more, and swimming was the best option. I walked up and down the aquarobics lane while my partner swam, but they checked in on me regularly, and if I said I was reaching my limit, we left.

Wonderful_Reality939 wrote:

NTA. I actually have PTSD. What you’re describing is not PTSD and even if it was, it would be his responsibility to communicate his triggers with you beforehand and have a plan for what to do if he started feeling too overwhelmed. He didn’t do any of that. He moped like a child and then blamed it on you. His behavior was incredibly childish and selfish and I would be rethinking the relationship.

Kronos0315 wrote:

NTA he has mental issues or is childish. I have PTSD from combat when I was in the USMC. I can't be in crowded areas like parades. If I go to one I let everyone know if it gets to me I'm out and I'll text one of you I left. My advice to is to think of you want that to be your life.

Typical2sday wrote:

THAT's not PTSD. He's allowed to have painful memories, but he has to act like an adult. Either he removes himself from the situation gracefully (no one would've noticed) or he muddles through like an adult.

He doesn't get to glitch out and then also not back down. He had all the runway in the world to maybe think an arcade might be triggering for him and plan accordingly... you had no reason to know.

Yeah, saying you were over his trauma in that argument was something you'd not say again, but he's being overly sensitive and simultaneously closed off and stubborn. He isn't one to talk about "talking like an adult" - he went full on moody middle child at your birthday party then doubled down thereafter.