'AITA for telling my dad I don't want him to marry his very young girlfriend?' MAJOR UPDATE

"AITA for telling my dad I don't want him to marry his girlfriend?"

My parents (both 46) got divorced 6 years ago. My mom remarried 3 years ago, and my dad has had a few girlfriends. His current girlfriend is the only one he has ever brought around. My mom has met her and likes her, and my sister idolizes her. She's nice and I don't dislike her. The actual problem: she's 27, exactly 10 years older than me.

To me, it's so weird. I don't understand why my dad wants to date someone so much younger than him. When he asked my sister and I if we were okay with him asking her to marry him, my sister was excited. I wasn't. I told him i wasn't comfortable with the age gap and thought she was just a sugar baby. Dad explained she has her own career, but said okay.

Since that conversation, my dad has been really sad, and the atmosphere in his house has changed. His girlfriend hasn't been by as frequently either. I feel kind of bad because I want my dad to be happy. AITA?

Edit: This blew up bigger than I expected it to and found it's way to my dad. Now he wants to have a talk this weekend.

The internet had a lot of thoughts about the situation.

v_a_n_d_e_l_a_y wrote:

YTA

It's one thing to not be a fan of the ages. It's another to effectively call her a s#$ worker. Offensive to both her and and your father.

Apart_Insect_8859 wrote:

NAH. I think it's fine for you to be honest with your dad that his behavior and choices have damaged your opinion of him and made you uncomfortable. If he is genuinely damaging your view of him by being a dirty old man who goes for the the 20-years-younger girls, that is info he needs to know.

(I'm super curious what his answer would be if you asked how he'd react to you dating a 36 year old, since that's the same age gap). However, there are consequences, since everything has consequences.

One of which is that his girlfriend is probably going to dump him (because if she wants marriage, they are no longer compatible) and for him to be sad about that. And that's perfectly fine. Hopefully he isn't too sad for too long and picks a more age-appropriate partner next time.

Do be aware that this had/has the potential for a different sort of consequence: him deciding he'd rather have her than your approval. Be cautious in the future, because sometimes (most times) when people are asking for your 'blessing' they aren't really asking-- they've already decided what they want to do, so you have to decide if jamming a wrench in that is worth it.

eriinana wrote:

NTA while I think "sugar baby" may be unfair, it is fair to be disappointed in your father for seeking a young woman for his romantic partner. It's unfortunately very common. And all the responses of YTA are just saying "let him get his rocks off" like perverts themselves.

He asked your opinion. You gave an honest one. Let him dwell on the type of example he is setting. And just remind him, he will never be able to question the age gaps in your own relationships.

humpyvision wrote:

When my dad tried that, I told him that he would have to do without me n his life, if he wanted to date girls that he could have fathered. Then I didn’t say another word.

Sweet_vanilla46 wrote:

For everyone saying y t a ….He ASKED her opinion. She gave it. She’s been staying out of it but she is just as entitled to her opinion as anyone else and if he doesn’t want to hear it, then he shouldn’t ask. She’s 17, as a mom of teens and someone who has been driving school buses full of teens for well over a decade, teens aren’t exactly Captain Stoic, he knew good and well something was wrong.

He should have asked earlier if he was worried about it or waited another year or two until she was legally an adult so she doesn’t have to live in it. Once she moves out it’s a lot easier to ignore, but having an opinion doesn’t make her selfish…it makes her human. NTA.

jibbetygibbet wrote:

I have to say I don’t really understand this perspective when it comes to a 27 year old woman. How is anyone who recognises that she is capable of making her own decisions “a pervert?"

The implication is that he is taking advantage of her purely because he is older, but why? That is why we apply different standards to 27 year old consenting adults than to children. Infantilising fully grown women is really not helping dispel gender stereotypes.

A little over a week later, OP shared an update.

So my original post blew up and managed to find it's way to both my dad and his girlfriend (her name is Jenny). Jenny thought it was really funny while my dad was mortified. Some of the comments were really mean towards my dad, which made me a little sad. He's a great dad and trying his best.

As a whole, the comment section had me thinking about my father's love life too much and I know now NOT to air my parents' business on the internet. To clear up some confusion, my dad was not asking for permission. He was simply asking how my sister and I would feel about him remarrying.

As for the actual update, my dad sat me down and explained he wasn't upset over me or what I said. He was upset that he didn't know I was uncomfortable sooner. He told me that him and Jenny met at a conference, and that they both thought the other was lying about their age.

Jenny thought dad was younger and dad thought Jenny was older apparently because of how high up in her career she is. It was nice to hear that dad wasn't intentionally going for women in their 20s and that Jenny was the first girl he dated that young. Jenny took me out solo for matcha the other day too.

She said she never wanted to be a mom and doesn't want kids. She said that she liked that dad already was a dad to older kids and didn't want more, and that's why she kept dating him. She said she doesnt want me to think of her as a stepmom, just a cool adult. I apologized for calling her a gold digger, and she said it wasn't a problem.

Apparently she could see why I would have thought that and isn't upset. Jenny wants the internet to know that she's about to turn 28 in a few days. Anyway dad's not really upset with me. I still like Jenny. Everything has been cleared up and I'm not really uncomfortable anymore. Thanks internet!

The internet was happy to hear the update.

Livid-You-4376 wrote:

This is exactly, why COMMUNICATION is so important!!!! YAY 🎉

Jenny, seems to be wise for her youth, and transparent; sounds like a new beginning for you all. Congratulations, and blessings, moving forward.

Misskittygirl13 wrote:

Well you learnt a valuable life lesson here. Communication is key, talk to each other. Jenny sounds cool, her attitude is the same as mine, I'm child free and my SO has kids, all older. I'm not their step mom or anything but an adult they can trust. Also willing to buy drink for a 17 year old because in the UK we don't mind just stay safe kids and call me if you need an adult who isn't dad to come get you.

Medusa_7898 wrote:

It’s too bad all parents contemplating remarriage and their significant others can’t behave the way your dad and Jenny do. They validated you, made you feel heard and respected and avoided acting defensive. I’m so glad for you.

WishingDandelions wrote:

This is such a good update! Your dad’s a good guy and Jenny sounds like she’s going to be a great “cool adult."